IMAGE  EVALUATION 
TEST  TARGET  (MT-3) 


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Pliotographic 

Sciences 
Corporation 


33  WEST  MAIN  STREET 

WEBSTER,  NY    14580 

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CIHM/ICMH 

Microfiche 

Series. 


CIHM/ICMH 
Collection  de 
microfiches. 


vV 


Canadian  Institute  for  Historical  Microreproductions 


Institut  Canadian  de  microreproductions  historiques 


1980 


Technical  and  Bibliographic  Notes/Notes  techniques  et  bibliographiques 


T 
t( 


The  Institute  has  attempted  to  obtain  the  best 
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D 
D 
D 
D 


D 


D 


Coloured  covers/ 
Couverture  de  couleur 


Covers  damaged/ 
Couverture  endommagde 


Covers  restored  and/or  laminated/ 
Couverture  restaurde  et/ou  pellicul6e 


Cover  title  missing/ 

Le  titre  de  couverture  manque 


□    Coloured  maps/ 
Car 


tes  g6ographiques  en  couleur 


Coloured  ink  (i.e.  other  than  blue  or  black)/ 
Encre  de  couleur  (i.e.  autre  que  bleue  ou  noire) 


n    Coloured  plates  and/or  illustrations/ 
Planches  et/ou  illustrations  en  couleur 


□ 


Bound  with  other  material/ 
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I      I    Coloured  pages/ 


D 


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I  I  Pages  damaged/ 

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I  V  Pages  discoloured,  stained  or  foxed/ 

I  I  Pages  detached/ 

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I  I  Quality  of  print  varies/ 

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obtenir  la  meilleure  image  possible. 


7 

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fi 


C 

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tl 
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This  item  is  filmed  at  the  reduction  ratio  checked  below/ 

Ce  document  est  filmd  au  taux  de  reduction  indiqu6  ci-dessous. 


10X 

14X 

18X 

22X 

26X 

30X 

y 

12X 


16X 


20X 


24X 


28X 


32X 


The  copy  filmed  here  has  been  reproduced  thanks 
to  the  generosity  of: 

Izaalt  Walton  Killam  Memorial  Library 
Dalhousie  University 


L'exemplaire  filmi  fut  reproduit  grflce  d  la 
g6n6ro8it6  de: 

Izaak  Walton  Killam  Memorial  Library 
Dalhousie  Uiiiversity 


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beginning  with  the  front  cover  and  ending  on 
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sion, or  the  back  cover  when  appropriate.  All 
other  original  copies  are  filmed  beginning  on  the 
first  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
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plus  grand  soin.  compte  tenu  de  la  condition  et 
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filmage. 

Les  exempiaires  originaux  dont  la  couverture  en 
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dernidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration,  soit  par  le  sec«.;.d 
plat,  selon  le  cas.  Tous  les  autres  exempiaires 
originaux  sont  filmAs  en  commengant  par  la 
premidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration  et  en  terminant  par 
la  dernidre  page  qui  comporte  une  telle 
empreinte. 


The  last  recorded  frame  on  each  microfiche 
shall  contain  the  symbol  — ^-  (meaning  "CON- 
TINUED ),  or  the  symbol  Y  (meaning  "END  "), 
whichever  applies. 


Un  des  symboles  suivants  apparaitra  sur  la 
dernidre  image  de  cheque  microfiche,  selon  le 
cas:  le  symbole  — ►  signifie  "A  SUIVRE  ".  le 
symbols  V  signifie  "FIN". 


Maps,  plates,  charts,  etc.,  may  be  filmed  at 
different  reduction  ratios.  Those  too  large  to  be 
entirely  included  in  one  exposure  are  filmed 
beginning  in  the  upper  left  hand  corner,  left  to 
right  and  top  to  bottom,  as  many  frames  as 
required.  The  following  diagrams  illustrate  the 
method: 


Les  cartes,  planches,  tableaux,  etc.,  peuvent  dtre 
filmds  A  des  taux  de  reduction  diff6rents. 
Lorsque  le  document  est  trop  grand  pour  dtre 
reproduit  en  un  seul  clich6,  il  est  film6  &  partir 
de  Tangle  supdrieur  gauche,  de  gauche  d  droite, 
et  de  haut  en  bas,  en  prenant  le  nombre 
d'images  ndcessaire.  Les  diagrammes  suivants 
illustrent  la  mdthode. 


1 

2 

3 

1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

THE 


BEWILDERED     QUERISTS 


AND      OTHER      NONSENSE. 


BY 


FRANCIS     BLAKK     CROl-TON. 


NEW  YORK : 
(•.    P.    r  U  'V  N  A  M  'S     SO  \  S. 

i^oL'RTH     AVL.ME     AND      lUKN  IV- IIIIKI)     SlKELT, 

1875. 


^.'^^.^i'-  "TTta^V; 


'33 


KiUucil,  acconiing  to  Art  of  O 


mgicss,  ill  the  year  1S74,  hy 


<:.    v.    I'll  IN  AIM'S     SONS, 
lu  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washington. 


John  V.  Trow  it  Son, 

I'KINTIKS, 

205-213  luiSt  iztll  St., 

NEW    \UKK. 


CONTENTS. 


fAGE 


THE    BEWILDERKD   QUERISTS 5 


I.N  TKODUCTORY 


1.  CkKMA'IION 12 

2.  I)rin;':s 


Mc)Tr()i:s  and  I,a\v: 


4.  Dramatic  Fkac.mknt, 

5.  llXA.MINAriON    TaIM-.R. 


«9 

27 

32 

35 

6.  To  V>E\v  OR  NO r  TO  Bkat 41 

7.  lOxcrsKs 


s.  J 


OfRNALISTIC. 


54 
62 


^V(3M  AX'S     WORTH 71 

CUTS    AND  GUARDS 


THE    l.OdIC   OF   SLOTH, 


90 

98 

Al  rORHOTOGRArilS 104 

EMI'HASIS   AS   A  VEHICLE   OF   MALICE 112 


i:it'1ii:misms 


119 


(/ 


c 

b 
]-: 

ai 


I'l 


MINUTHS   or  THE   TROCKKDINGS 


OK  THE 


METROPOLITAN     SOCIETY 


OK 


BEWILDERED     QUERISTS. 


INTRODUCTORY. 

This  famous  association  was  founded  by  a  few 
enthusiastic  dilettanti  at  a  preliminary  meeting  held 
by  them  at  the  residence  of  Alexander  Ridley,  Esq., 
who  officiated  as  temporary  chairman.  Professor 
I'.rasmus  A.  Pundit  thus  briefly  explained  the  objects 
and  ends  of  the  proposed  organization  : — 


"  Ladiks  AM)  Gentlemen' : 

There  are  certain  persons  of  extraordinary  mental 
endowments  who,  without   laying  claim  to  greatness 


THE    UEWILUEKi;!)    (JUEUISTS. 


in  any  particular  art  or  science,  have  yet  distributed 
their  genius  throujj^hout  the  whole  domain  of  human 
thought.  \Vitlu)ut  confininLj  their  adoration  invid- 
iously  to  any  particular  Muse,  they  worship  impar- 
tially at  the  altars  of  the  Nine.  I'or  their  aspiring 
souls  the  drudgery  of  detail  has  been  so  uncongenial 
that  they  have  relied  largely  upon  happy  inspirations, 
denied  to  the  many,  as  substitutes  for  the  crude  ele- 
ments of  erudition.  With  soaring  intellects  they 
have  sought  to  grasp  the  sublimest  truths  of  every 
science,  and,  scorning  the  beaten  paths,  to  explore 
the  forest  of  knowledge  simultaneously  on  every  side. 
These  diffusive  enthusiasts  are  like  noble  trees  that 
branch  out  in  all  directions  to  catch  the  sunshine  and 
the  breeze,  not  sending  out  their  arms  only  to  the 
north  to  span  the  stream,  nor  stretching  only  to  the 
south  to  shade  the  dust}'  path,  not  reaching  only 
heavenwards  to  approach  the  sun,  nor  only  straining 
downwards  to  pierce  the  earth's  crust.  In  such  de- 
vious explorations  they  have  gathered  many  strictly 
priceless  gems,  but  the  value  of  these,  owing  to  the 
jealousy  of  specialists  as  well  as  to  the  habitual  mod- 
esty of  us  amateurs,  has  not  yet  beeji  generally  recog- 
nized. It  has  therefore  long  been  a  desideratum  that 
the  unappreciated  geniuses  of  this  metropolis  should 
form  a  literary  order,  which  should  at  the  same  time 


THE    BK\VIIJ)KRF-I)    OIFKISTS. 


be  a  medium  of  communication  amon^  tlicmsclvcs 
and  afford  a  means  of  conveyint;  miscellaneous  truths 
to  the  outside  public. 

Under  these  circumstances,  Mr.  Chairman,  I  move  : 

1.  That  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  here  present  do 
constitute  and  style  themselves  a  '  Society  for  the 
Tromotion  of  General  Knowledge.' 

2.  That  the  proceedings  of  the  association  be  un- 
trammeled  by  any  parliamentary  rules  or  precedents. 

3.  That  the  sense  of  the  Beautiful  and  the  Seemly- 
inherent  in  the  members  be  the  sole  arbiter  as  to  the 
subjects  and  manner  of  discussion. 

4.  That  the  limitless  scope  of  our  Society  be  ex- 
pressed by  assuming  the  motto,  •  Quidquid  agunt 
homines.' 

5.  That  weekly  meetings  be  held  at  the  houses  of 
members  in  rotation." 

A  modest  personage  took  exception  to  the  pro- 
posed title  and  motto.  Referring  to  the  fact  that  the 
merits  of  the  gentlemen  assembled  had  been  hitherto 
strangely  unrecognized  by  the  public,  he  begged  to 
suggest  Gray's  lines  about  the  flower  which  "  wastes 
its  sweetness  on  the  desert  air,"  and  recommended 
as  a  fitter  designation,  "The  Society  of  Hidden 
Genius." 

Miss  Taack,   a  lady  distantly  related   to  the   late 


8 


riiK   1'.i:\vh,i)i:kki)  orF.KisTS. 


I\Trs.  Malaprop,  preferred  •'  Hlatant  Talent, "as  shorter 
and  equally  appropriate. 

Benjamin  Franklin  Muj^i^s,  Esq.,  differed  from  the 
last  speakers,  thinkinj^  it  extremely  inadvisable  to  pa- 
I'ade  in  the  teeth  of  the  public  its  shockin^^ly  bad 
taste.  I  le  believed  in  push  and  self-assertion.  Or- 
dinary people  were  very  likely  to  take  societies  as 
well  as  individuals  at  their  own  advertised  estimates 
of  themselves.  It  was  absolutely  necessary,  in  his 
opinion,  to  lease  apartments  in  Fifth  Avenue,  and 
he  thought  it  would  be  desirable  to  emblazon  on 
the  door  some  undecipherable  Chaldee  or  Cunei- 
form motto,  surmounted  by  a  crest.  In  regard  to 
the  latter  he  hesitated  between  a  neat  variation 
on  the  ever-popular  American  lCa^L;ie  and  an  oriiji- 
nal  desij^n  of  some  newly-invented  antediluvian 
Saurian  —  care  bein^  taken,  of  course,  that  it 
should  be  the  biggest  thing'  out  in  that  peculiar 
line.  The  title,  too,  should  be  bold  and  sonorous. 
Perhaps  the  Excelsior  "  Union  of  Universal  Com- 
mentators," or  "  Galaxy  of  Great  Guns,"  would 
do. 

The  President  objected  that  great  guns  were  too 
often  large  bores,  and  was  supported  by  Miss  Taack, 
who  avowed  herself  wholly  opposed  to  "  heavy  or- 
dinances."    It  also  transpired  that  two-thirds  of  the 


TiiK   im:\vii.I)i;ui:i)  (tiKuisTS. 


pcrsdiis   present  were   a 


1  ready 


euro 


lied 


in 


,xcel 


sior 


:liib> 


Mr.  Mii^i;^  explained  that  liis  pr()i)osal.s  were 
merely  tentative.  He  was  perfectly  willini^  that 
they    should    stj'lc    themselves    Tip-Toppers,    Thus 


I' 


ars, 


or 


NorilMus    Ultras.       In  fact,  he  thouiiht  one 


of  his  sui;^i;estions  quite    as    good    as    another.      Of 
the  last  api)ellation,  however,  Miss  Taack  would  not 


even  near 


I  7i'(ts  aware."  remonstrated  she.  "  that 


th 


)f 


le    views    o!    some    o!    us    were    considere 


f 


di 


rather 


radical    and    advanced  ;     but    I    was   fiof    av  .ire  that 


an 


\'body,    much    less    one   of  ourselves,   could    look 


n-nh 


.'d  ult 


ras 


upon  us  as  non-piusse 

Driven  from  his  hrst  positions,  the  irrepressible 
]\Tr.  Mul;"l;"s  now  counselled  adt^pting  the  phraseoloj^y 
of  trade,  in  deference  to  the  commercial  sentiment 
of  the  aL;"e.  The  association,  he  said,  mii;ht  be  hap- 
pily termed  an  cxchan<;e.  Its  end  beinij  the  pro])aL;a- 
tion  of  miscellaneous  knowled<'e.  as  well  as  the  sol 


f>^» 


u- 


tion    of    miscellaneous    doubts,     manv    ideas    would 


n 


[iturallv  be  borrowed,  notes  of  interrogation  would 


j^' 


be    circulated,    and    doubtle 


ss    a    pajier    medium    o 


f 


exchange    would    be    occasionally   resorted   to.       lie 


'^> 


1 


accordinL,d)-  thought  a  most  appropriate  name  wouk 

be  "  The  Yankee  Notion  Iv\chani;e." 

Professor  Pundit  hoped  indeed  that  much  that  was 
1* 


10 


'iiiK   i;i:\vii,1)i;ki:i)  nrr.KisTS. 


\n 


capital  and  many  stcrlini^  remarks  would  be  current 
at  their  mectiiif^s,  but  lie  nevertheless  objected  on 
principle  to  creating  any  factitious  public  interest 
about    the    society.      In    his   opinion  it  should   stand 


en 


tirel 


ipon  its  meiits. 


^-. 


'1\)  this  protest  Miss  Taack  added  hers,  on  the 
round  that  "a  mercantile  desiLjnation  was  belittling 
to  a  bod\-  actuated  1)\'  hii^h  aims  and  persj)irations 
towards  the  inhnite." 

After  many  amendments  had  been  successively 
negatix  ed,  the  chairman  said  : 

"  LiHi/iiS  afid  (icutlcmrii  : 

With  the  exuberant  suL-ijestiveness  which  marks 
certain  of  our  members,  there  appears  to  be  some 
dauLier  lest  the  details  of  or<^anization  mav  ccjnsumc 
an  undue  proportion  of  our  time.  V(^\^  these  matters, 
thouL;h  fn -^t  in  order,  are  of  ver\'  nu'nor  importance, 
when  compared  with  the  momentous  and  interesting 
topics  \\hich  ma)'  natural!)'  be  expected  to  occupy 
the  attention  of  a  1  Iistorico-nuisico-ph)'sico-ethico- 
technico-catholico-mvthico-arch;eolo^ical  association. 
It  is  clear  that  without  mutual  concessions  we  shall 
ne\er  possess  a  constitution  or  a  name,  unless  indeed 
it  be  the  '  Order  of  Perplexed  Commentators,'  or 
'  Uewildered  (  )uerists.'  " 


O 


uerists   IS  a  mi; 


ihty 


neat  term,      observe 


d   Ml 


THE   ih:\vili)i:ki:i)  oukrists. 


II 


O'Callahan,  an  Irish  gentleman,  "  highly  applicable, 
short,  and  inexpressive  ;  but  common  'taturs  arc  like 
to  stick  in  one's  throat,  owing  to  their  great  size,  and 
the  same  may  be  said  of  commentators.  It's  proud 
we  should  be  to  belong  to  a  body  with  a  name  big 
enough  for  the  Long  Parliament,  and  obliged  '.\-.^  are 
to  our  Chairman  for  the  compliment ;  but  if  the  pro- 
ceedings are  to  be  carried  on  in  Greek,  I  move  that 
we  subscribe  for  a  Webster.'' 

"The  Metropolitan  Society  of  Bewildered  Que- 
rists ''  was  the  title  e\'entually  agreed  upon,  and,  a 
spirit  of  compromi  e  having  arisen,  it  was  determined 
to  dispense  altogether  with  a  motto.  With  these  ex- 
ceptions the  original  resolutions  of  Professor  Pundit 
were  passed.  On  the  motion  of  a  Querist,  Mr. 
Ridley  was  appointed  permanent  President,  and  the 
follow  ing  substituted  i'or  the  fourth  article  of  the  con- 
stitution : 

"  4.  That  the  debating  be  strictly  extemporaneous  ; 
and  that  otil)'  one  paper  be  admissible  at  each  meeting, 
the  subject  of  such  paper  to  be  secretly  communicated 
b\-  its  author  to  the  presiding  officer,  and  announced 
b\'  the  latter  to  the  Querists  at  the  opening  of  the 
session." 


i 
i 

1 

12 

f 

i 

'111 

THE    HKWILDKkKI)   OUERISTS. 


SICSSION    I. 


!•;  President,  in  introclucin^Lj  Miss  Taack  as  the 
essa)ist  of  the  evenini;,  \enturecl  to  anticipate  that, 
tliouj^li  "  Cremation  "  was  from  its  nature  a  dry- 
topic,  her  admirable  st}le  would  in\est  it  with  facti- 
tious charms. 

y\fter  modestly  disclaiming  "  the  capabilities  so  flat- 
terinijly  imputed  to  her  as  a  writer  of  fiction,"  the 
lady  spoke  as  follows  : 

* '  My  FcUoik'  Querists  : 

1  am  not  one  of  those  vehement  preservatives  who, 
because  a  thini^  is  new,  proceed  to  apply  opprobrious 
epitaj)hs  to  its  authors,  or,  as  some  do,  to  denounce 
its  partisans  with  fearful  im[)lications.  But  with  the 
individuals  who  want  to  blot  out  of  existence  our 
lovely  suburban  symmetries,  and  by  means  of  fire  to 
'sweep  the  lines  where  beauty  lin<;ers  '  and  rudely 
destroy  the  statuesque  cemetery  (^f  the  lifeless  features 
— with  these  1  ha\c  wv^  j)atience  ^\hatever.  Such  a 
'  reform'  I  ccMisider  nothintj  less  than  aburninij shame  ! 
To  object,  indeed,  to  ct)stly  coffms  and  ostentatious 
sepulchres,  and  to  favor  a  cheaper  method  of  dispos- 


THE    I'.KWILDKKKI)    OUKRIS'IS. 


13 


iiig  of  our  dead,  may  be  pardoned  as  a  \'enal  fault; 
but  to  make  chimney  ornaments  of  our  fathers'  aslies, 
and  incongruously  to  wreathe  with  flowers  their  char- 
retl  remnants,  I  regard  as  a  fragrant  offence  against 
tiecency  and  taste.  They  argue  that  it  is  unfair  to 
condemn  an  untried  system.  Ikit,  Mr.  President,  I 
ha\e  had  an  extensive  experience  in  cremation  upon 
\  arious  I'ourths  of  July.  I  have  seen  fifteen  boys' 
fmgers,  three  boys'  eyes,  several  female  garments, 
and  one  complete  old  lady  cremated  upon  two  of  those 
glorious  anniversaries.  On  the  latt<M-  of  these  occa- 
sions,  as  I  returned  home  half  cracked  by  crackers, 
torpid  with  torpedoes,  and  bruised  by  caterpillars  in 
the  hands  of  youthful  desperadoes,  I  registered  a  vow 
against  incinderation. 

One  miglit  think,  from  the  way  people  talk,  that  it 
was  something  original  ;  and  yet  thousands  of  )ears 
before  Hrown  and  Thompson,  the  devil  had  atlopted 
cremation  in  theory  and  practice.  This  heathenish 
custom,  it  is  true,  is  more  immediately  borrowed 
from  pagan  Greece  and  R(Miie,  and  from  Iliiulostan, 
where  they  burn  upon  the  funeral  pyres  of  married 
men  tlie  shrieking  relics  of  the  dead  !  " 

1  he  Professor  craved  permission  to  observe  that 
the  pagan  process  of  burning  bodies  was  ver)'  inferior 
to  that  which  modern  science  rendered  practicable. 


14 


TIIK     I'.KWIl.DKKKI)   Ol  KRISIS. 


1'    ! 


¥ 


The  former  never  thoroughly  consumed  the  b(Mics  ; 
whence  the  ancient  proverb,  Dr  inoi'tuis  nil  nisi  bo- 


il it  in. 


I  suppose,"  resumed  the  fair  Querist,   "  they'll 


)e  wantimr  us 


to  chc 


ui'jfe  our  lanLiuaLie  as  well  as  our 


11 


liabits.  Our  ycu's  will  have  to  be  dated  A.C.,  in 
the  year  of  cremation  ;  and  '  from  creation  to  crema- 
tion '  will  serxe  instead  of  'from  the  cradle  to  the 
t^rave.'  \Vc  may  also  expect  some  lovely  elei^ies  in 
the  future — somcthins^"  in  the  followin;j[  style,  perhaps, 
for  of  course,  when  qrave-dii^gers  are  succeeded  by 
pxre-lii^hters,  the  grave  laments  of  yore  will  be  re- 
placed by  lighter  melodies  : 


*  Above  yoii  nianlcl,  in  tlic  new  screen's  shade, 

Where  siiuikes  the  coal  in  one  dull  sniouMering  lieap, 
I'.arh  in  hi^  patent  vn'n  forever  laid, 

The  baked  residua  of  our  fathers  ^lee]). 

'  The  wheezy  eall  of  nuil'tni>  in  tlic  morn, 

'Ihe  milkman  tillerini;  from  hi>  rusty  sled, 
The  he!|i'>  shrill  clarion,  or  the  li>hman's  liorn, 
No  more  shall  rouse  tlieni  from  their  lofty  bed. 

*  For  them  no  m  )re  the  iil.ixin,;  fno-grate  burns, 

( )r  bu--\'  houNCwife  frie>  her  >avor\'  soles, 
Tliou;di  children  \'w\  to  cla--p  their  :dreV  red  uru-. 
And  rc'll  them  in  a  familv  ijame  uf  bowls. 


Tin:   r.r,\viM)i:Ki:i)  ()Ui:rists. 


IS 


Perhaps  ill  llii^  dc-Mjitcd  pot  i^  laid 

Some  licait  once  proi^naiit  willi  tcnc->tiial  lire, 
IIaiul>  liiat  tliL-  roil  paternal  may  liave  swayed, 

And  waked  to  *  ee^tasv  the  iiviii'^  liar.' 


I  do  declare  tliat  sotnetimcs,  when  I  think  of 
tliese  men  and  their  sill)'  notions,  my  hps  inv'ohmtarily 
curl  in  a  contemptible  smile.  I  cannot  help  suspcct- 
ini;  that  some  business  interest  prompts  their  opposi- 
tion to  the  Christian  system  of  inhumanity.  The 
char^^es  for  burial  plots  and  monuments  are  indeed 
exorbitant.  A  friend  of  mine  paid  two  or  three  thou- 
sand dollars  to  erect  a  sinc^le  lot." 

The  Professor  presiuned  that  the  fair  speaker  meant 
a  statue  or  a  moniniient,  as  one  coiUd  hardlv  talk  of 


erect  m; 


tl 


le  soi 


l\Iiss  Taack — "  Perhaps  I  may  have  misunderstood 
the  term,  for  I  always  supposed  the  white  statues  in 


:ra\'e\'arcls 


u'l 


re  the   '  lots,'    beinir   emblematical   of 


Lot's  wife,  who  was  turned  into  a  pillar  of  salt.      Tlii^ 


tlesiL;ii  aj)peared  to  me  sinL;"uiarly  poetical  m  conse- 
(picnce  of  the  inclination  of  d\'inL;"  persons  to  *  cast 
one  loni-insj;,  lin^-erinsj:  look  behind.'  Ihit  whate\-er 
they    are    made    of,    high-priced     hjts    are    certainly 


*  1 1 


Ecbla>y  —  uvei wliclmiiij^  excileineiU." —  U'i'/'j/l/; 


i6 


'IIII-:   i!i;\vii.i)r.ki:i)  (ukkisis. 


^rouiuls  for  reasonable  complaint.      'i'his,   however, 

d    the  odious  alternative 


IS  not  enoujj 


h   t 


o    reconinien 


which  has  been  proposed  ;  and  which,  I  j^epcat  my 
belief,  has  been  suL,^i;"ested  by  an  interested  antai^o- 
nism  to  the  undertaking;-  and  mourninf^  establishments, 
to  the  '  decent  hearse  '  and  *  custom-made  suits  of 
solemn  black,'  to  cpiote  the  expressive  words  of 
Shakspeare.  This  suspicion,  Mr.  President,  rouses 
m\-  \irtuous  indignation  and  suffuses  m}'  checks  with 
'  the  blushes  of  ini^enious  shame,'  as  the  poet  so  aptly 
expresses  it.  I'^specially  when  I  reflect  that  the  mis- 
erable incendiaries,  while  they  chatter  about  sanitary 
reform  and  ascetics,  arc  in  reality  underminini;-  the 

lity  of 


doctrines  of  the  resurrection  and  the  i 


mmora 


tl 


le  sou 


{.l/^p/aiisc.) 


Mr.  Mui;"g,s  cordially  indorsed  the  sentiments  of 
the  eloquent  lady  :  f  )r  his  part  he  was  always  oi)pos- 
cd  to  "  robbing  the  poor  man  of  his  bier." 

The  President  obser\ed  that  it  was  merely  a  mat- 
ter of  taste.  Personally,  he  preferred  smoking  to 
the  bier.  Perhaps  it  might  soothe  the  lady's  indig- 
nation to  reflect  that  in  questions  of  change  merce- 
nary considerations  were  inevitable. 

O'Callahan  averred  that  he  had  no  ambition  to  sleep 


with    his    forefathers    before    his    ti 


me, 


as 


le  wou 


Id 


have  to  when  cremation   became   the   fashion,  unless 


» 


THF,     IIKWII.DKRKI)    <  )rr,RISI'S. 


17 


bis  laiulhuly  would  like  to  have  their  urns  in  the  par- 
lor. The  innovation  would  be  (lestructi\e  of  affection 
for  the  dead.  1  low  could  a  widow  talk  of  the  "  dear 
departed,"  when  his  incineration  only  cost  five  dol- 
lars and  a  half? 

The     President    deprecated    giving   a   senti.nental 


turn  to  the  discussion. 


Nevertheless,"  said  he,  "  I 


cannot  refrain  from  observing  that  I  should  like, 
when  I  have  passed  away,  like  a  withered  rose,  to 
'  lie  scentless   and    dead.'     Besides, 


'  E'en  from  the  j^ravc  the  voice  of  Nature  ciie> 
E'en  in  our  asiies  live  their  wonted  fires  ;  ' 


an 


d,  as  my  disposition  is  not   an    ungrateful  one,  it 


is  natiu-al  that  I  should  desire  a  grate-full  end." 

Muggs  remarked  that  the  sacred  urn  miirht  become 
a  very  handy  receptacle  for  "  stolen  waters,"  in  a  tee- 
total family.  The  "  fence  "  of' the  future  likewise 
ould    >robabl)'  be  surrounded  by  a  n  imerous  ances- 


\\ 


tr 


>' 


ever,  m   the  variety   ot  opinions   cxistm 


f 


l<r 


.mong  the  Querists,  he  moved  that  the  meetimi  be 
dissolved,  '*  as  the  question  could  not  fail  to  be  set- 
tled after  dissolution." 

As  the  Societ)'  was  breaking  up,  a  member  |)la)ed 
the   Dead   March   in  Sau/  on  the  piano,  which   occa- 


i8 


TIFK     I'.r.Wn.DKkl'.l)    (UKIUSIS. 


sioncd  tlic  Professor  to  suc^j^cst  that,  as  Saul  was 
also  called  Paul,  this  funeral  melody  mic^ht  more 
aj)pr()priately  liavc  been  termed  the  Dead  March  in 
PalL 


THK    BKWII.DKRMI)   (^UKRISTS. 


19 


SESSION   II. 

The  mcctiiiii',  bcin^  duly  called  to  order,  received 
\\\{.\\  some  emotion  the  announcement  of  its  worthy 
President  that  the  warm  debate  upon  cremation 
would  on  the  present  occasion  be  succeeded  by  the 
more  humid  theme  of  "  Drinks."  Many  of  the  mem- 
bers had  become  quite  excited  over  the  subject,  among 
whom  was  the  orator  himself,  B.  V.  ]\Iuf;"t;s,  ICsq. 

Raising  to  his  lips  a  liquid  bearing  a  delusive  resem- 
blance to  water,  Mr.  Muggs  commenced  with  a  confi- 
cence  engendered  by  a  familiar  acquaintance  with  tiie 
matter  in  hand  : 


"  .MR.  PRi:SIDKXT,  LADIKS  AND  CIENTI.KMKX  : 

The  moral  effect  of  generous  drinks  in  develop- 
ing the  \irtue  of  candor  has  hcvn  recortletl  in  the 
well-known  prox'erb,  '  In  \ino  Veritas.'  ( )n  the  other 
hand  the  use  of  undiluted  water  teiuls  noloriousK'  to 
encoiirage  lying  and  deceit,  for  it  is  a  melancholy 
fact  that  even  '  Truth  //V.v  in  a  well  !  '  Wine  like- 
wise creates  ideas  and  (luenc)'  of  speech,  and  stimu- 


II 


20 


Tin:   r.K\viM)rKi;n  qikkists. 


Rli! 


latcs  tlic  iniaj^Miiiition.  As  Horace  has  pointed  out, 
all  L^reat  poets  have  been  tipplers.  Indeed  in  their 
subliniest  ni^L;h's  they  largely  use  the  figure  of  speech 
entitled  lui)crbole,  which  is  derived — if  my  memory 
serves  mc  ri^ht  -from  two  Greek  words,  hyper ,  ovjr, 
and  bole,  a  bowl.  On  this  point,  however,  I  am  open 
to  correction  by  our  learned  associate.  Professor 
Pundit." 

(  The  Professor,  lolio  spoke  with  sci')fiing  hesita- 
tion, icas  Uiuierstood  to  say  that  he  coineided,  o?i 
this  etymologieal  question  ,  iK.'itJi  the  liieid  exposition 
of  Dionysins  of  Ifaliearnassns,  to  reeapitulatc 
ivJiieJi,  of  eourse,  icon  Id  only  be  to  insult  the  intelli- 
genee  of  a  learned  body .) 

"  The  material  influence  of  alcoholic  drinks,"  re- 
sumed Mr.  Mus4i;s,  "  is  still  more  beneficial.  If 
there  is  one  thing  more  necessary  than  another  to 
preserve  the  prosperity  of  New  York  and  our  other 
great  commercial  centres,  that  thing,  the  papers  as- 
sure us,  is  the  increase  of  grain  elevators.  Now  what 
i^rain  elevators,  I  should  like  to  hear,  are  more  speedy 
in  their  operation  or  more  efficacious  than  malt 
and  r)'e  whiskies  ?  They  may  brag  of  the  longevity 
induced  by  water-drinking.  I>ut  give  me  a  hale  and 
sttnit  old  age  that  goes  down  with  undiminished  spir- 
its to  the  bier.     Alcohol  is  the   best  known   remedy 


Tin:   r.i;\viM)i;ui:i)  (hkkists. 


21 


for  various  afnictions,  iiicliuliiiL;  lunlrophobia  and  the 
l)itcs  of  snakes — not  that  1  l;()  so  far  as  tlic  '  Jolly 
I*ostbo\'s,'  who  claimed  it  to  be  an  antidote  ai-ainst 
the  (^Id  Serpent  himself: 


♦  Wlii^Uy  is  I  lie  ^uicst 
(,'iircr  of  evil, 
And  at  llic  end  of  life 

Will  save  us  from  the  devil.' 


It  certainly  is  a  soverciijn  counteractive  to  that 
particular  variety  of  bad  spirits  coininonly  denomi- 
nated 'the  blue  devils.'  No  one,  I  fancy,  will  ven- 
ture to  deny  that  s////  waters  arc  the  best  preventive 


)f 


oi  sea-sickness 


cki 


Taken  in  excess,  stimulants  arc  doubtless  injiu-i- 
ous  ;  but  so  arc  candies,  tea  and  ice.  In  fact  the 
baneful  abuse  of  the  kist  commodity,  especially  when 
used  soon  after  hot  viands  or  drinks,  merits  the  inter- 
ference of  the  Society  for  the  Suppressi(~)n  of  Vice. 
Tea  destroys  the  nerves  and  indirectly  multiplies  scan- 


dais 


w 


hile  tobacco,  with   all   deference  to  our  Lfenia 


1 


President,  is  the  cause  that  so  nic.n'of  our  vouths  cro 


to   weec 


Is.     Yet 


no   one  therefore   wishes   to  stop  a 
moderate  indulgence  in  these  lu.xuries. 

I   want  to  observe  that   I  am  wholl\-  unprejudiced 
against   water.       I   find   it  extremely  convenient   to 


H 


r:n 


1:3 

r  :.l 


22 


TiiK   r,i;\vTM)Kui:i)  ori:uisTs. 


wasli  in,  iiiul  I  own  that  il  is  very  useful  in  manufac- 

I'^or  au'jlit  tluit  I 


turc 


S.   (' 


,^  • ' 


|jrf\\in!j  and  (lislilliiii 


know  t(»  the   contraiy,  il   ma)'  e\en  be  palatable  as  a 
drink.      It  is  true  that  I  disapprove  of  niixinc^  it  with 


upiors,  kiiowin: 


how 


;"ra\e  a  responsibilit}'  is  involv 


cd  in  tlu'  dilution  ;  for  it  is  manifest  that  when  spirits 
have  lost  their  body  they  become  disembodied 
spirits  !  \\'h>',  then,  while  I  concede  the  merits  of 
Iheir  beverai;e,  do  prohibitionists  remain  blind  to  the 
virtues  of  mine  ?  When  I  j^rant  them  the  unlimited 
cnjo)-ment  o(  tJic'ir  faxorite  water  and  milk,  why  do 
lliey  refuse  me  a  limited  induls^'ence  in  my  fa\(.)rite 
^in  and  bitters?  l)en\'  it  as  lhe\'  may,  they  are 
actuated  b\' an  unchristian  spirit  of  bitter  persecution. 
I  am  unable  to  discove*r  an\'  sweeping-  scriptur.d 
pr(jhibition  of  wine  ;  and  whiskey,  rum  and  brandy 
arc  not  even  alluded  to  by  the  inspired  writers,  many 
of  whom — it  is  important  to  recollect — were  proi)hets. 
On  the  other  hand,  some  commentators  trace  the  fall 
of  the  first  man  to  the  demoraliziuL^  influence  of  total 
abstinence.  In  support  of  this  position  they  uri;e 
the  fact  that  Wiilcr  was  Adam's  ale  ;  while  Noah,  the 
introducer  of  the  vine,  was  sinL;"led  out  for  preserva- 
tion from  the  Delu;_^e.  The  publicans  of  the  Christian 
era,  too,  are  favorably  contrasted  with  the  I'liarisecs, 
who  correspond  to  the  temperance  fanatics  of  to-day." 


riiK   iiKwii.Dr.Kr.i)  (irKRisTS. 


23 


(iinii 


{  which  n  O  urist 


{Cries  of ''  Order  f  order, 
lh\i:^iii'(i  to  remind  the  speaker  that  the  piiblitans  of 
'ere  a  totally  dijfereiit  class  from  modern 


that 


aire 


public-house  keepers. ) 

•'T'"      ncinbcr's  correction  was  iimiccdcd,"  MiiLT'Jfs 


COlUl    iic'l 


'i   scvcrit)' 


i'Mioraiit  as    I  ma\'  be.  I 


was  iioL  unaware  of  that  tlistinctio 


n, 


Tlu 


e  spreat 


1  of 


civilization,  I  know,  li. is  made  the  Anieric.m  bar  very 
ludike  its  Jiahean  prototN'pe.  SIinL;s,  smashes,  eye- 
openers,  and  all  iced  innovations,  were  <jf  course 
wantini,^  in  the  latter.  Indeetl  there  is  reason  to  be- 
lieve that  mixed  concoctions  were  wholly  unknown 
to  ancient  Hebrew  g^entlemen,  with  the  sini^le  excep- 
tion that  they  were  commonly  addicted  to  julips,  as 
may  be  inferred  from  bas-reliefs  of  the  periotl.  The 
l)oints  of  resemblance,  which  I  had  in  view  when  I 
was  interrupted,  between  Pharisees  and  teetotalers 
are  their  self-complacency  and  public  prayers.  A 
war  of  words  between  tipplers  and  praying;  bands 
reminds  me  of  that  historical  combat,  th  .  eve  of 
which  the  Iuic;iish  spent  in  supplic;ititm  and  the 
I'^rench  in  revelry.  *  Treaters  and  Entreaters,'  or 
'The  l^attle   of  A-Gin-Court,'  would  make   a   h^vely 

sound   the   praises  o 


title    for   a  tract,    wherei)".    to 


f 


Ciood  Temjilars  and  errant  damosels." 

The    President    failed    to    discern    the    moral 


am 


24 


Till:   i5i:\vii.i)i;i<i:i)  (HI'.risis. 


b''i> 


11'  \ 


material  aclvantaL^cs  claimed  for  ardent  liquors.  If 
the  L^entleman's  reproach  TiVvv  true,  that  tobacco 
sent  youni,^  men  i^radually  to  weeds,  it  couKl  be  said 
with  equal  truth  that  drunkenness  made  i'/s  votaries 
go  rapidly  to  pot.  To  the  frequent  occurrence  of 
delirium  tremens  he  attributed  the  d-t-rioration  of  the 
human  race.  It  was  noteworthy  that  rabid  doc;"s 
abandoned  water  and  took  to  wine  ;  and  he  viewed 
the  first  sips  of  this  allurinj^  liquid  as  sii^ns  of  incip- 
ient insanity  in  men.  At  the  same  time  he  admitted 
that  the  uncompromising  disposition  of  teetotalers  was 
injurious  to  their  cause,  although  it  was  not  unnatural 
that  their  antipathy  to  cordials  should  be  a  cordial 
detestation.  Intemperance,  lie  felt  sure,  would  be 
more  eftectually  checked  by  social  ostracism  than  by 
legislative  prohibitio.  or  praying  bands.  Those 
loose  characters  who  were  habitually  tight  should  be 
excluded  from  every  respectable  circle. 

Miss  Taack  also  wished  to  make  a  few  remarks  on 
what  she  called  "the  fluid  but  pernicious  speech  of 
Mr.  ^Iiiggs."  In  her  opinion  one  of  the  greatest 
nuisances  connected  with  taverns  was  the  crowds  of 
leeriuLT  loafers  who  infestctl  their  doors.  It  often 
re([uired  a  bold  woman  to  run  the  gauntlet  of  gam- 
blers, politicians  antl  vulgai  spendthrifts,  with  their 
wonted    retinue  of   ])urseless    parricides,  tittering  at 


Tin:    r-KWILDERKD    (UKRISTS. 


u.-; 


their  jokes.  Spirits  she  C(JiisidcreJ  were  injurio 
at  the  best;  but  tliosc  wliich  wore  perniittetl  to  l)e 
sold  were  simply  murderous.  What  was  commonly 
retailed    as    brandy  was,   as    she  was    creditabh'  iu- 


f( 


ormec 


no 


thincr    more    than    colored    alcohol 


a  II  c 


water,  deluded  with  vitriol  to  increase  its  strenirth. 


No    fraud  was  more    execrable    tha 


n 


tl 


le 


ilmmir 


off  of  these    impure    mixtures    and    adulterous  co 


m- 


)0unds. 


Here    O'Callahan,    noticiuLT    what   he    stieniatized 


fc> 


as  "impolite  exhibitions  of  suppressed  mirth,"  whis 
pered    to   a    neighbor    that    the    offence    undeniably 
7i'(7s  committed  in  the  spirit  ! 

The  Querist  addressed  answered  ungallanth'  that 
ladies  who  wielded  to(j  heavy  w  eapons  were  alw  a)'s 
liable  to  wound  themselves. 

At  this  imputation,  which  unfortunately  reached 
her  ears,  ]\Iiss  Taark  fired  up.  She  protested  that 
she  had  no  preference  for  lengthy  words,  if  that 
was  what  the  gentleman  meant.  ICrrors  slie  might 
make  ;  but  at  least  she  '*  //v'tv/  to  use  the  plainest 
and  most  idiotic   I'Jiglish," 

Mr.  Muggs  m(jved  an  adjournment,  remarking 
that  it  was  growing  unconscionably  late.  Consider- 
ing the  hour,  he  thought  a  treatment  of  the  (  hierists 
preleiTible  to  an}'  further  treatment  of  the   subject. 


li 


m 


3' 


26  THE    15E\V[LDKKKD    OUl.RISTS. 


'I'his  resolution  being  unanimously  carried,  Mugf^s 
led  a  majority  of  the  members  on  the  broad  path 
which  conducted  to  a  contij^uous  sample-room, 
where  be  alarmed  his  victims  with  the  foUowint^ 
conundrum  : 

Vhy   is  a  rabid    clown    like  a  glass    of  bottled 


<  I  ^ 


bcei 


Ans7ucr  of  audience  y  suffering  from  Jiope  deferred  : 

Ciive  it  up. 
Anszvcr  to  conundrum : 
"Because  lie's  a  foaming  tumbler!" 
Effect  upon  the  crowd — l^ig  drinks. 
J^hral  for  publicans:    Discourage   riddles   before 


drinl 


\S. 


1:  .  1' 

1 

i 

\ 
! 

1 
i 

J 

THE    BEWILDERED    (.)UKKISTS. 


SESSION    III. 


MOTTOES   AND    SAWS. 


Tins  short  session  was  mainly  occupied  by  anec- 
dotes narrated  by  Miss  Taack,  which  are  here  re- 
ported verbatim : 


V. 


MA 


I' 
J 


Fi:i.LOW  OiKKisrs 


Certain  circumstances  have  lately  couic  under 
my  notice  which  liave  revolutionized  my  reelinL;s 
on  the  subject  of  mottoes,  and  made  me  rci^ard 
them  as  a  dilution    and  a  snare.      I  am    acquainted 


\\ 


rth 


k 


a  woman  wno  keeps    one  oi  tnosc    numan  ex- 


f  th 


changes  which  some  one  with  bitter  irony  has  named 
intelligence  offices.  This  lady  informed  mc  of  her 
design  to  embellish  her  shop-front  with  a  motto. 
I  ventured  to  suggest  'Ivxcelsior'  as  peculiarly  ap- 
propriate, having  learned  from  the  Professor  that 
the  word  meant  '  hire.'  Shortly  after  she  had  adopt- 
ed my  suggestion  I  had  occasion  to  visit  the  office 
again,  and  was  told  by  the  proprietress  that  the 
business    had    fallen    off  in    some     incomprchensivc 


i\ 


II'' 


!r,  ' 


HH'    '! 


1[      I 


28 


THE    P.F.Wir.DKRF.D    QUERISTS. 


manner,  it  liaving  c]^()t  abroad  that  she  had  raised 
her  fees  or  was  encouraging^  help  to  ask  for  liiglier 
terms. 

The  other  day  I  assisted  at  the  birth  of  an  l^arly 
Rising  Association.  The  question  of  a  motto  was 
the  very  first  that  came  up.  Some  one  proposed 
'The  early  bird  catches  the  worm.'  But  one  of 
the  members  sensibly  observed  that  unfeathered 
bipeds  could  unfortunately  catch  the  worms  without 
early  rising.  'Let  us  then  be  ?(/^,'  recommended  an 
admirer  of  Longfellow. 

'  And  doing,'  added  a  fraudulent  looking  member. 

'  With  a  heart  for  any  f(."'tc,'  said  a  gay  x'otary  of 
fashion. 

'With  a  hart  for  any  fete,'  echoed  a  lover  of 
venison. 

'  Sti/l  achieving,'  said  a  gentleman  interested  in 
the  manufacture  of  stills. 

'  ^7///  pursuing,'  put  in  a  revenue  policeman. 

'  Learn  to  labor  and  to  ■iK.'ait,  said  an  honest  foot- 
man. 

'  And  to  wait,'  chimed  in  an  indolent  member. 

Hy  this  time  I  became  convinced  that,  what  with 
the  cunning  of  their  adopters,  and  the  double  inten- 
dcrs  of  their  authors,  mottoes  were  capable  of  chang- 
ing their  hues  lil.e   camelopards.      And   1  have  come 


TIIK     r,K\VII-DKRKD   QUERISTS. 


29 


to  almost   the   same   conclusion  about  qr.otations  of 


e\er\'  sort. 


There  was  my  t^reat-tj^randfather  who  suffered  twice 
from  his  veneration  for  Shakespeare.  lie  once  re- 
fused a  baronetc}',  so  penetrated  was  he  by  the  KinL;'s 
despair   in    Ilainlct, 


wlien   lie    rem(  .se 


fully 


exclaims, 


Oh,    my    offence    is     rank 


I 


suppose   )'ou    arc 


aware  that  m\'  ancestor  was  a  believer  in  the  emi- 
gration of  souls.  lie  held  that  our  spirit  sucees- 
si\ely  went  through  the  whole  scale  of  cpiadrupeds. 
During  a  warm  discussion  on  the  subject  he  wagered 
a  hundred  pounds  that  \V.  Shakespeare  shared  his  be- 
lief. This  he  endeavored  to  prove  by  pointing  out 
that  the  poet  makes  Hamlet  observe  that  the  dreamy 
state  following  death  'must  give  ws  paws,"  and  that 
in  alluding"  to  deceased   persons   the    dramatist  nn^re 


than 


once    uses 


tl 


le    re  mar 


kabl 


c    expression, 


uid 


thereby  hangs  a  tail.'  Ihit  on  reference  it  was  found 
that  the  author  in  his  ignorance  had  misspelt  the 
W(^rds  ;  and  my  great-grandfather  lost  the  stakes  be- 
cause l^acon  had  not  written  .Shakespeare.  l-)Ut  what 
can  we  expect  from  a  fellow  who  could  not  sj)e]l  his 
own  name  !  Other  members  of  our  famih'  have  been 
similarl)'  misled  b}'  gnive  authorities.  My  uncle,  a 
missionary  on  the  west  coast  of  Africa,  dictl  of  a  text. 
While  flying  from  a  zebra,  which  hap[)ened  to  be  at 


m 

'I 


I 

,!:: 


HKI 


•  ( 


If 


30 


'iiiK   r,i:\vii,Di:RT:D  oukrists. 


ii^ 


i' 


i 


I  I' 


i"'  : 


iir 


:i 


i      I 


■I 


u 

Ik 


the  same  time  flx-iiiL;"  from  him,  he  fearlessl)'  advanced 
to  witliin  a  few  \-ards  of  a  family  o(  leopards,  havin<; 
full  faith  in  the  scriptural  assurance  that  the  leopards 
could  not  chani^e  their  spots.  Ikit  ihcy  did  ;  and 
what  was  more  unpleasant,  they  '  knock  :d  spots' 
out  of  him." 

Mr.  Mug^^s  felicitated  the  lady  on  her  j^reat-grand- 
father's  declension  of  the  baronetcy.  Vov  his  own 
part  he  thought  the  title  of  a  gentleman  fully  equiva- 
lent to  a  peerage.  As  for  the  importance  which  the 
benighted  liritish  attached  to  the  petty  style  of  bar- 
onet, it  was  simply  sirprizing. 

Miss  Taack  said  she  was  herself  opposed  to  obso- 
lete monarchy  and  indeed  to  the  enjoyment  of  special 
amenities  by  any  class  ;  but  she  owned  a  weakness 
for  the  sound  of  **  Lady  Taack." 

A  member  remarked  that  a  baronetage  in  the  fami- 
ly would  hardly  make  her  a  titled  lady. 

Muggs  perceived  the  Querist  was  unaware  that  all 
invidious  distinctions  between  aristocrats  had  been 
abolished  by  the  American  weekly  romancists,  who 
ought  to  be  the  best  authorities  on  the  subject,  judg- 
ing from  their  apparent  familiarity  with  people  of 
rank.  According  to  these  popular  writers,  the 
daughter  of  a  baronet  had  as  good  a  right  to  be  Lady 
Ilonoria  or  Lady  Lsmeralda  as  the  daughter  of  a  duke. 


Tin:    IJKWII.DKKKI)    (H'KKISTS. 


31 


I\Tr.    O'Callahan   boltllv  avowed   himself  an  aristo- 
crat,  as  became  one  of  the  numerous  descendants  of 


1 


>iian 


W 


oru. 


He  liked  to  see  the   old  Milesian  titles 


ke[)t  up  —The  O'Donohue,  The  O'Grad)-,  The  O'Cal- 
lahan, and  The  Devil.  I  le  himself  used  always  to  as- 
sert his  rii^ht  to  the  ancestral  prefix,  which  he  had 
printed  on  his  cards  ;  but  soon  after  his  arrival  in  this 
country  he  was  constrained  by  a  second-hand  insult 
to  abandon  the  style.  A  low-lived  Irish  Yankee, 
named  Pat  O'Callahan,  had. left  a  card  upon  him  bear- 
ing the  inscription,  "  I'he  other  O'Callahan  !  "  Such 
radicals,  he  was  glad  to  say,  were  generally  no-tory- 
ous  characters. 

Miss  Taack  expressed  her  pleasure  at  discovcing 
that  The.  Tilton  was    a   nobleman 
the  Third  Session. 


an 


d  th 


us  en 


dcd 


m 


'\ 


% 


m 
•if 


ii 


32 


TiiK   i;i:\vii,Dr.ki:D  (^lkkists. 


SESSION  IV. 

The  President  said  that  no  Querist  had  expressed 
an  intention  of  addressini;  tlie  meetint;,  and  he  would 
therefore  take  this  opportunity  to  brini;"  before  the 
Society  an  important  AIS.,  discovered  by  him,  during 
a  recent  ItaHan  tour,  at  the  town  of  Assisi.  In  de- 
ciphering its  bhu'red  and  illegible  characters  he  Nvas 
greatly  indebted  to  the  kind  assistance  of  their  learned 
confrere,  Prof.  Pundit.  The  lucubration,  he  was  sorry 
to  say,  was  incomplete,  being  only  a 


FRAGMENT  OF  A  MEDI/EVAL  MIRACLE 

PLAY. 

Ascribed  to  St.  Fraiuisd'Assisi. 

Dramatis  Personm:.— Balaam  and  his  Ass. 

Enter  Balaam  on  ass-hack.      Tents  of  Ascaloii  in  the 
background. 

Balaam  {beating  his  donkey).   "  Will  you  go  on  ?  " 
A?>^  {kickiug).  "  Willjw/ go  off?  " 
Bal.    "  By  the  holy  Moses,  no  !  " 


TIIK    JiKWILDl'RKI)    (QUERISTS. 


33 


Ass  (lookiiii^  askance).   "  Let  your  nay  be  nay." 

Bal.  {astointdcii  at  his  assiira/icc).  "  Let  your 
b..iy  be  bray.     Speak  to  your  associates." 

Ass.   "  Cease  to  assimilate  yourself  to  us." 

/fcrc  Inilaaui  on  the  SPUR  of  the  moment  commits 
an  assan/t. 

Ass  "  Ila  !  assaults  and  damages  !  Recollect  the 
assizes  and  Old  l^ailey." 

]?AL.  {pnlling  the  cnrb).   "  How  do  you  like  that  ?  " 

Ass.   "  Not  a  /;//." 

Bal.  {p/yi-";-  his  spnrs).  "  No  longer  shall  I  be  a 
standing  ]o\<.Q,'' 

Ass  [satirically).  "  Why  not  ralher  try  the  pow- 
er of  moving  speeches  ?  " 

]]al.  {spni'j'ing  assiduously).  "Ha!  you  mock  me!" 

Ass.  [a'ith  asperity).  "  Ungodly  man,  pause  ere 
you  become  an  assassin." 

Bal.  {zcith  unbridled  wrath).  *' Nay,  if  you  be  a 
spirit,  I'll  try  a  boater  means  of  communicating  with 
you.      {Heats  him.)     How's  that  for  spirit-rapping  ?  " 

Ass  {throwing  his  rider).  "  How's  that  for  tablc- 
turninir?" 


The  donkey  gains  a  complete  ascendency.     Exit  Ba- 
laam i?i  a  Jit  of  asthma.     * 


?  rr 


-  ; 


i 


*        *         # 


The  MS.  lie;e  concludes  with  asterisks. 


34 


TIIK    l!i;\VIM)Kki:D    OUKRISTS. 


i 


Tlic  Professor  opined  tliat  the  donkey  showed  such 
u  marked  superiority  in  his  asides  that  the  prophet 
must  liave  felt  quite  ashamed. 

Muggs  always  considered  the  ass  a  mean  and  frac- 
tious creature  which  would  never  assent  to  reason. 
Wlicn  you  say  *  i^o  !  '  he  goes  not,  and  when  you  say 
*  wo  !  '  he  won't.  lie  believed  in  treating  them  ho- 
nuL'opathically — when  they  stick,  apply  the  stick.  A 
friend  of  his  realized  a  thousand  dollars  by  backing 
iA\  obstinate  donkey  against  another  equally  cantan- 
kerous. He  turned  the  beast's  hind-quarters  to  the 
goal  and  flogged  steadily.  He  made  the  mile  in 
fifty  minutes,  distancing  his  competitor. 

The  Professor  suggested  that  this  obstinacy  might 
often  be  due  to  the  cruelty  of  riders.  He  had  known 
donkeys  quite  **  bowed  down  with  weight  of  wo  !  " 

In  reply  to  an  inquiry  the  President  explained  that 
the  original  was  written  in  Leonine  verse  ;  and  after 
some  further  discussion  the  meeting  adjourned. 


THE    IJEWILDKRKl)   ()UI:RISTS. 


31 


SESSION  V. 

"  Ladies  and  Genteemen,"  observed  the  rrcsident 
in  opening  the  proceedings,  "  Mr.  Pundit  had  purpos- 
ed introducing  an  important  and  vexed  question  at 
our  present  nieeting.  But  perceiving  an  exception- 
ally large  muster  of  classical  members,  he  has  acted 
upon  my  advice,  and,  deferring  to  a  future  occasion 
his  remarks  upon  the  subject  alluded  to,  will  take 
this  favorable  opportunity  of  submitting  to  your  criti- 
cism an  academical  paper  which  marks  a  new  and  pro- 
gressive era  in  Collegiate  education." 

AVhereupon,  the  President  having  duly  rapped  for 
silence.  Professor  Pundit  proceeded  to  read,  amid  the 
rapt  attention  of  the  Querists,  the  following  examina- 
tion paper : 


I 


ABNORMAL  COLLEGE. 

CLASSICAL   EXAMINATION   OF    FRESHMEN, •• 
April  1st,  1874. 

L  Did  the  m)'th  of  Jupiter's  descent  in  a  shower  of 


*  Some  of  these  questions  were  publihlied  in  llic  A'oiind  'J al'lc,  as  "a 
melancholy  evidence  uf  the  effects  of  prolonged  classical  training  u[)on 
a  vigorous  and  creative  intellect!  " 


'W'\. 

1*1 


ft  % 


3<5 


TiiK   r.i;\vii,i)KRi:i)  quicrists. 


„i?i 


;! 


li 


^old,   ori;^Mn;ite    in  the   fact   of  his    bcin^^  a  reigning 


sovereign  ? 


II.  (d)  Did  Achilles  after  his  immersion  in  the  Styx 
originate  the  phrase  "no  heel-taps  ?  "  (/>>)  ICxploilcthc 
paradox  that  his  wound  "  on  the  heal  "  could  not  be 
cured.  * 

III.  Refute  the  theory  that  the  smoke  of  Mount 
/I'ltna  proceeded  from  the  briar-root  of  Briarcus  con- 
fmed  there. 

IV.  (d)  May  a  lady's  trunk  be  compared  with  the 
Vocative  because  it  is  the  case  of  a  dress  ?  {l>)  Prove 
the  identity  of  a  Christmas  box  with  the  Dative 
Case. 

V.  Docs  Virgil's  phrase,  "  ficto  pcctorc  fatur,"  es- 
tablish the  fact  that  tl  ancients  had  anticipated  one 
of  the  modern  fashions  ?  In  this  connection  also  ex- 
amine the  expression  addressed  to  the  Queen  of 
Beauty,  "  Quid  natum  falsis  ludis  imaginibus" — 
JlVij'  do  you  mock  your  son  with  false  forms  ^ 

VI.  If  Julius  Agricola  in  his  invasion  of  Caledonia 
penetrated  to  Forfar,  did  he  go  twice  two  far  ? 

VII.  Construe  the  words  of  the  ^Eneid,  *'  Hcu,  mis- 


TiiK   1)i;\vii.I)i;ki:d  (^ikkists. 


11 


crandc  pucr  !  "  and  show  that  the  rciulcrin<^,  "  A  lass, 
unhappy  hid  !  "  is  no  less  objectionable  than  "  Hugh, 
}-ou  wretched  boy!  " 

VIII.  Can  the  legend  of  the  birth  of  Castor  and 
Pollux  from  an  egg  be  correctly  termed  a  Lay  of 
Ancient  Greece? 


IX.  May  the  unprofitableness  of  literature  among 
the  Romans  be  inferred  from  the  statement  of  Sallust 
and  other  writers,  that  they  did  not  possess  the  price 
of  admission  to  the  Opera  (non  operiu  pretium  est)  ? 
Or  is  the  phrase  only  a  delicate  mode  of  "  putting 
in  "  for  "  dead-head  "  tickets  ? 

X.  Arc  we  to  suppose  that  vegetable  as  well  as  ani- 
mal life  was  suspended  in  the  realms  of  Pluto  ?  Is  the 
supposition  warranted  by  Virgil's  allusion  to  "  lucos 
vStygis,"  groves  of  sticks  / 

XI.  Does  the  fervent  exclamation  of  Anna,  '*  O 
luce  magis  dilecta  sorori,"  show  that  she  loved  Dido 
more  than  her  other  sister  Lucy  ? 

XII.  Who  was  the  tall  general  referred  to  by  the 
poet  in  the  following  lines — - 

*'  The  kites  know  well  the  long  stern  Swell 
That  bidb  the  Romans  close  "  ? 


I 


i 


i 


!l' 


I 


It  .| 


MMi' 


•8 


'nil':   i!i:\vii.i)i:Ri:r)  (,)Ui:Ris'rs. 


XII  I.  Is  llic  existence  of  a  financial  crisis  in  Olym- 
pus to  be  presumed  from  Juno's  going  to  /Eolus  to 
"  rai.~e"  the  wind?"  Would  the  advances  made  by 
the  King  of  the  Winds  naturally  take  the  shape  of 
inflated  currency  or  some  other  circulating  medium? 


XIV.  Show  by  etymological  deduction  that  the  tale 
of  the  founding  of  Rome  was  merely  a  sailor's  yarn, 
giving  its  duv,  importance  to  the  fact  that  Remus 
meant  an  oar,  coupled  with  the  manifest  derivation  of 
/vVu'-mulus. 

Does  this  satisfactorily  account  for  the  celebrated 
row  between  the  brothers  ? 


^11 


l\Iiss  Taack  complimented  the  Professor  unon  his 
searching  and  suggestive  paper.  *'  What  an  inesti- 
jiial)le  benefit,"  she  wen.t  on  to  say,  "  the  undergrad- 
uates of  the  Abnormal  College  must  enjo}",  whose  la- 
bors are  persecuted  under  such  capable  direction! 
For  me  entomolog)-  has  always  had  a  peculiar  fascina- 
tion. What  wondrous  moral  truths  we  gather  from 
the  study  of  words  !  I3\'  it  we  corroborate  our  belief 
that  the  7cickcd  will  bo  lighted  at  the  last,  and  that 
ciiicyatioi!  is  the  nahiral  i)rocess  for  disposing  of  the 
remains  of  sinners.  I'liv'sical  and  historical  facts  also 
are  often    strangely  proved   by  derivations.       In  my 


I 


THK     BKWILDKKKI)    ( U'KKISI'S. 


39 


school  days  I  was  taught  the  interesting  coincidence 
that  the  Greek  verb  ao,  to  breathe,  was  compounded 
of  a  and  o,  embodying  the  fact  that  breath  is  the 
alpha  and  omega  of  human  existence.  Willi 
what  honest  pride  did  I  discover  that  the  intellectu- 
al  supremacy   of  my  nati\-e  city  was  verihed    by  the 


m( 


eaning  of  its   name — Boston,  the  boss-town  !     O 


n 


the  other  hand  the  degrading  descent  of  the  Aryan 
race,  now  the  noblest  family  of  mankind,  is  too  plainly 
prox'ed  by  its  humiliating  derivation,  hairy  'un  !  " 

The  fair  Querist  paused  with  visible  emotion. 

"  i\nd  with  what  edification,"  she  presently  resum- 
ed, "  I  listened  to  a  self-educated  Cockney  divine  ex- 
posing the  entomological  baseness  of  Satan  !  *  Xot 
onh','  said  the  learned  preacher,  '  do  his  Greek  names 
signify  Slatidcrcr  and  Destroyer,  but  his  common 
luiglish  appellation  is  the  vilest  word  in  our  language. 
Complete,  il  is  the  devil ;  diminished  b\-  a  letter,  it  be- 
comes evil ;  by  two,  it  appears  as  vil[e)  ;  b\'  three,  it 
leaves  us  //(/) ;  by  four,  and  it  is  'ell /  '  i\nd  the  im- 
aginative minister,  perhaps  mistaking  his  pulpit  for 
the  whole  word  and  having  faith  in  the  text  which 
counsels  resistance,  concluded  his  displa\'  of  su[)crl.i- 
tive  philology  with  an  edifying  exhibition  of  muscular 
ChristianitN'." 

JMuggs  agreed  with  the  lady  and  Archbishop  Trench 


',   t  r. 


i  > 


f 


^1 


!■; 


40 


THE    BEWILDERED    QUERISTS. 


I   it 


thilt  sonic  very  important  truths  were  contained 
in  words.  Luscious,  for  example,  as  he  begged  to 
inibrm  teetotalers,  was  derived  from  "  lush."  He 
could  vouch  for  the  correctness  of  this  etymology, 
for  he  was  very  familiar  with  the  root.  And  this 
suggestive  derivation  reminded  him  that  the  session 
had  been  protracted  to  a  degree  that  would  have  dis- 
tressed a  certain  estimable  Governor  of  North  Caro- 
lina, justly  famed  for  a  short  and  pithy  speech. 

I'he    member    hereupon   moving  to   adjourn,    the 
Society  unanimously  carried  out  the  motion. 


V. 


THE    BEWILDKRKD    QUERISTS. 


41 


SESSION   VI. 


"  *  To  beat  or  not  to  beat,  that  is  the  question  '  of 
the    eveninji,"   announced    the    President,   assumiuLr 


the  insignia  of  office. 


The  quotation   is   not   exact 
is  more  strikinir  tlian 


to  a  /,  but  I  flatter  myself  that  it 
tlie  original.  I  shall  now  leave  my  friend  the  Pro- 
fessor, to  continue  the  soliloquy.  The  learned  Que- 
rist had  hoped  to  present  an  illustrated  lecture,  but 
was  sini^ularly  unsuccessful  in  sccurinij  a  corpus  vile, 
or  recipient,  for  his  illustrations." 

With  the  alacrity  of  one  entering  upon  a  congenial 
subject,  the  Professor  took  the  floor  and  said  : 


■% 


I'i- 

m 

i  .   i 

■V  ■ 

:,- 


"  Mr.  President,  Ladies  and  Gexteemex  : 

My  subject  maybe  conveniently  divided  into  four 
heads  :  (i)  the  persons  to  flog,  (2)  the  persons  to  be 
flogged,  (3)  the  instruments  with  which  to  flog,  (4)  and 
lastl}'  the  acUisability  of  flogging.  In  this  arrange- 
ment it  will  be  obscr\'ed  that  1  have  followed  the  ex- 
ample (>{  that  impulsi\'e  judge  who  was  wont  to 
hang  first  and  try  at'terwards.  In  the  correction  of 
youth  1  have  founil  this  a  most  effective  mode  of  pro- 


n 


I 
•   ! 


■I  " 


;li 


n 


I 


42 


THE    r>i:wrLDERED   QUERISTS. 


ccdiirc.      Tnvcsti'jatc  tlic  offence  hcfov'  tlic  flocrsjincr 
and   tlie    ciili)rit  will  tliink  of  a   hundred    perplexins. 


fall; 


icies 


lecessity    is    the    mother   of    in\enti( 


Ml. 


Investigate  the  offence  after  the  floirginL^,  and  the  de- 


incjuen 


t.    h 


Ki\  incr   nothing  now   to    iear,  will    iisua 


11 


illy 


make  an  open  confession,  always  proxided  that  lie 
has  an)'thini.^^  to  confess.  If  it  should  haj^pcn  to  be 
otherwise,  my  usual  course  is  to  credit  the  youth  with 
one  caning  in  advance,  and  dismiss  him  with  full  for- 
giveness for  all  the  mental  agitation  he  has  caused  mc 
— for,  s'o  far  as  the  bodily  exertion  goes,  it  is  a  hcal- 
th}'  and  exhilarating"  exercise. 

And  this  leads  me  to  the  first  division  of  my  sub- 
ject. The  wieldcr  of  the  rod  should  be  endowed  with 
peculiar  moral  and  physical  gifts.  The  sliglitest  in- 
dication of  hilarity  on  liis  part  will  destroy  the  moral 
effect,  which  on  th.,  cc^n'rary  is  often  enhanced  by 
earnest  protestations  of  '  the  sorrow  with  which  he 
executes  his  painful  dut\*.'   He  should  remember  also 


to  make  tlie  concludinij  strokes  the  most  sex'er 


I 


n 


fact  the  philosophic  flagellant  should  imitate  the  prin- 
cii)le  of  an  oratorical  climax,  wliich  should  grow 
stronger  and  more  impressi\-e  at  each  stage,  for  what 
ma\'  be  in  itself  ca[)ab!e  of  thrilling  the  intellect  or  the 


ner\'es  loses  its  eUicacy  when  succeeding  a  more  [)ow- 
erful  shock.      A  good  knowledge  of  human  anatomy 


THK    r.KWILDKRKD    QUI-KIS'1'S. 


43 


rr 


^k^ 


IC 


and  an  accurate  car  for  sou 


ind 


arc  va 


luabl( 


qu 


alifi- 


cations  in  a|)pl\-ini;'  the  ari:;itiiicntuii!  a postcrioi-i,  for 
some  boys  have  extensive  wardrobes  and  a  fair  idea 


of  fortification. 


'or  is  a  cross-e\x'  Avithout  its  uses 


to  the  castigator  ;  for  it  is  often  hiL^liI}-  inth'screet  to 
look  directl)'  at  your  oljjective  poini:,  and  an  nn- 
j:,ruarded  ghmce  at  the  thumb-joint  cm-  tlie  nails  of  the 
floirnec  is  ahnost  inwiriabh^  followed  b\'  a  fiinch.    To 


t5j5 


all  these  natural  advanta<^es  a  good  wine'  is  a  desirable 
adjunct,  particularly  durini;  iier\erse  exhibitions  of 
}'outhful  ability.  At  the  same  time  it  is  important 
that  the  pursuit  be  alwa\'s  conducted  in  L;"ood  order  ; 
nor  can  I  approve  the  spectacle  of  a  learned  preceptor 
wadini^  streams  or  climbin*^  trees  in  a  probably  inef- 
fectual chase.  Finally,  the  rod  should  not  be  per- 
mitted to  the  \c 


)un'. 


n( 


au 


,  the  weak,  or  the   uni;"overned  : 
for    it    is    symbolic    of  parental 
thorit}' ;  not  to  the  weak,  lest  they  learn  by  cxpcri- 


)t    to    the   V 


ounc 


ence  that  to  bear  i 


s  not  SN'nonymous  with  to  carry 


not  to  the  uni^overned,  lest  they  use  it  capriciously, 
or  )'ield  to  a  passion  for  variety — like  Squeers  in  the 
stor\-,  who  could  not  resist  the  charm  of  thrashincr  a 


b 


ov  m  a  ca 


b. 


The   President  bcL-'jed  leave  t(^  susicjest  the  desir 


abililN'  of  dele<'"atintj'  the   i)ainful   task  to  salaried  ex- 
perts.     \  corps  of  corpulent  corporals,  after  a  proper 


i' 


p 

I 

:. 

i> 

i- 

1: 
• 

li 

t«  c 


w 


44 


TIIK     r.KWILDl.KKI)    (  )UI-:K[S'I"S, 


I 

Is 

I 


course   of  correction,  mi^lit  inflict 'corporal  pun-ish- 
ment  in  every  sense  of  the  term. 

A  (Querist  thouiiht  it  would  be  a  refinement  of  bar- 
barity  thus  to  wound  the  sensibilities  simultaneously 
with  the  senses.  The  sons  of  Mars  should  only  wield 
their  weapons  in  the  wars. 

Another  member  :   "  Punic  wars  ?  " 

This  act  of  hardihood  having  been  duly  rebuked 
by  groans,  Prof.  Pundit  explained  that  he  could 
never  countenance  the  withdrawal  of  the  ferule  from 
the  hands  of  responsible  preceptors.  Some  of  them 
doubtless  were  badly  qualified  for  its  exercise. 
Indeed  one  pedagogue  had  owned  to  him  an  over- 
mastering desire  to  "  pandy  "  with  his  walking-stick 
the  outstretched  palms  of  a  certain  blind  beggar, 
which  the  latter  was  wont  to  present  to  passers-by  in 
a  most  convenient  and  alluring  manner.  But  the  in- 
stincts of  amateurs,  he  believed,  were  still  more  fre- 
quently cruel.  One  of  his  own  earliest  recollections 
was  being  spanked  under  false  pretences  by  a  sister 
only  slightly  his  senior.  l)efore  he  was  four  years 
old,  she  had  approached  him  with  a  countenance 
more  in  sorrow  than  in  anger,  and  sophistically  per- 
suaded him,  first,  that  he  hatl  just  conmiitted  a  mortal 
sin  in  eating  too  much  dinner,  and,  secondly,  that  it 
was  her  painful  duty  to  give,  and  his  painful  duty  to 


THE  r.Kwii.Di'.Rr.T)  (;ui:rists. 


45 


1- 


>y 


receive  a  wliippinj^  — \vhich  wbippini:;;  --Aas  c;ravely 
inflicted  behind  a  curtain  in  a  must  ;mprcssi\c  and 
humiliating'  mod  A  favorite  pastime  of  a  beautiful 
livini;'  member  of  the  English  aristocracy  was  to  tie  a 
spoon-bait  to  the  lee;"  of  a  duck  and  let  it  loose  in  a 
lake  swarming  with  pike,  and,  when  one  of  these  had 
hooked  itself,  to  watch  the  struggle  of  the  fish  to 
drown  the  bird  and  of  the  bird  to  land  the  fish.  The 
narration  of  this  last  fact  might  perhaps  seem  out  of 
place  ;  but  it  was  not  really  so,  for  a  cruel  substitute 
for  the  flogging-rod  was  quite  as  much  to  be  expected 
from  amateurs  as  a  cruel  substitute  for  the  fishing- 
rod.  A  mythical  tyrant  has  been  credited  with  a 
very  ingenious  experiment  in  flagellation,  which  was, 
like  the  nightingale,  "  most  musical  and  melancholy." 
One  morning  aP  breakfast,  while  regaling  himself 
as  usual  by  witnessing  the  administration  of  the  bas- 
tinado, he  was  forcibly  struck  by  the  variety  of  tone 
developed  in  the  groans  of  different  victims.  An  idea 
flashed  upon  him  to  select  eight  criminals  whose  in- 
variable custom  it  was  to  moan  promptly  on  the  re- 
ceipt of  each  lash,  and  whc^sc  moans  should  be  found 
to  form  a  complete  octave.  On  this  human  harp  he 
purposed  to  practise  simple  airs.  He  expected,  he 
said,  by  skilful  whaling  t(^  elicit  wailing  melodies, 
and  to  play  sole- stirring  tunes  upon  the   malefactors' 


Ai 


m  91 


ft 
'•I 

'si 

if 

■  'I- 


Hil! 

•'tf: 


I 


I 


II  'I 


46 


TiiK  i]i;\vii.I)i:ki:i)  (; 


TS. 


feet.     The  pr()l(3n!4"atioii  of  tli  j  could  possibly  be 

rc^L;"ul cited  by  the  violence  of  tue  blow,  and  he  ho[)ed 
eventuall}'  to  succeed  in  strikin<4-  quavers,  crotchets, 
minims  and  semibreves  at  will.  Accordingly  vari- 
ous aiTan<;emcnts  of  the  convicts  were  tried,  but  none 
produced  a  faultless  scale  ;  whereupon  some  of  the 
spectators  having  been  seized  and  pressed  into  the 
service,  a  perfect  gamut  was  at  length  obtained.  A 
few  bars  were  played  with  gratif)'ing  success,  and  the 
despot  was  facetiously  congratulating  himself  upon  his 
"musical  feet,"  when  it  was  found  that  the  vocal  in- 
strument was  extremely  liable  to  being  knocked  out 
of  tunc,  a  note,  when  struck  the  third  or  fourth  time, 
often  responding  in  an  urexpected  ke}\  Thus  the  in- 
ventive tyrant,  failingto  detect  the  principle  which  un- 
derlay this  mutability  of  tone,  was  forced  to  abandon 
his  musical  experiment,  and  content  himself  with  the 
bare  discc/ery  of  foot-notes.  Were  his  sj'stcm  ever 
to  be  perfected  and  introduced  into  our  schools,  the 
instructor  could  convert  eight  liars  into  a  compound 
whole,  and,  in    one  sense  more    than  Gray's  Pyard, 

"  Willi  a  ma'-tci's  liaiul  and  prophet's  fire 
vStiikc  ihc  deep  sorrows  of  his  lyre  !  " 

"  In  entering  upon   my  second  division,  the  per- 
sons to  be  flogged,"  continued  the  Professor,  return- 


THE    BF.WILDKRr.I)   <u'i:rists. 


47 


in 


u:  from  his  di'j-rcssion,  "  I  woukl  exclude  frcjiii  that 


category  all    persons  amenable    to  moral   inHuence.- 


To   chastise   his    thouL:htless   error 


s    \vi 


th    tl 


le    rattan 


demoralizes  a  high-spirited  youth,  and  tends  to  re- 
move the  stigma  which  corporal  punishment  should 
carry  with  it.  I  am  thus  led  *^o  propounf'  a  seeming 
paradox — that  both  slight  offenders  and  stout  offend- 
ers should  be  exempted  from  the  rod.  And  the  lat- 
ter exemption,  it  is  to  be  observed,  should  be  made 
in  no  unworthy  or  pusillanimous  spirit,  but  sinn)ly 
because  superior  physical  endowments,  no  less  than 
superior  mental  endowments,  are  the  gifts  of  Provi- 
dence and  should  be  respected  accordingly  by  the  pi- 
ous preceptor.  What  precise  limit  of  size,  positive  or 
rehitive,  should  confer  an  immunity  from  the  lash,  it 
would  be  rash  to  specify  ;  but  I  cannot  hesitate  to 
say  for  myself  that  I  view  a  youth  six  feet  high  and 
broad  in  proportion  as  decidedly  exceeding  that  limit. 

Whipping  is  the  fittest  and  most  efficacious  chas- 
tisement for  impure,  deceitful  and  dishonest  juveniles  ; 
and  it  is  all  nonsense  to  say  that  it  degrades  characters 
of  this  description,  A  box  on  the  ear  is  a  hand)'  and 
instantaneous  mode  of  su])pressing  an  insubordinate 
or  cheeky  boy." 

The  President  feared  that  too  hard  a  cuff  might 
ha\'e  the  opposite  effect  of  increasing  the  lad's  cheek  ; 


i:j 


'TT 


i  f   I 


48 


TiiK   i;i:\viLi)i:Ki:i)  tuiKKisTS. 


ami  tin.'  unblusliiiiL,^  AIui;l(s  exclaimed  that  in  his  opin- 
ion it  would  be  an  iin\vi>rtl'.y  act  to  lick  a  saucer! 


'I'his   odious  idea,"  retorted  the  I'l'ofessor 


niav 


have  naturally  su<^'^"ested  itself  to  the  irrepressible 
Querist  over  his  cujis  ;  and  considering  his  besetting 
propensity,  I  am  willing  to  pardon  the  atrocity.  On 
the  whole  I  am  opposed  to  the  flogging  of  adults,  ex- 
cepting criminals  guilty  of  extraordinary  brutality.  I 
am  especially  pleased  that  the  old  statute  has  been 
repealed  which  permitted  a  man  to  beat  his  wife  with 
a  rod  no  thicker  than  his  little  fmger.  It  would  spoil  a 
good  or  a  middling  woman,  and  be  too  thin  for  a  bad 
one.  The  corporal  punishment  of  enlisted  men  I 
deem  injudicious  as  well  as  tyrannical,  for  I  believe, 
with  Horace,  that  warriors  accustomed  to  be  whipped 
in  time  of  peace  arc  the  more  likely  to  let  themselves 
be  whipped  in  time  of  war. 

Thirdly,  in  deciding  upon  the  instrument  to  be 
employed,  it  will  be  necessary  first  to  consider  the 
nature  of  the  offence.  I"or  we  must  not,  Draco-like, 
chastise  all  faults  with  equal  severity,  nor,  as  the  Ro- 
man poet  puts  it. 


'  Nee  sculic.a  (li}j;mim  ln)rril)iU  sectcre  nagello,' 
'  Nor  visit  with  the  cruel  scourge  a  boy  that  wauts  the  strap.' 


Next   we    should    have   regard   to  the  sound  and  the 


THE    r.EWILDr.Ur.D   OUKKISTS. 


49 


sensation  produced  by  tlic  corrective  itn[)lenient,  and 
the  circumstances  under  which  it  is  to  be  used. 
Wlien,  for  the  i)urp()se  of  inliniitlatiiiL;  the  deprj\cd, 
the  execution  takes  place  coram  populo,  that  is  bcfoie 
the  school,  a  resoundin<^  rod  or  cat-of-nine-tails  should 
be  called  into  requisition,  and  applied  with  a  \  iew  to 
the  acoustir  effect,  mainly  to  the  back,  with,  of 
course,  occasional  visits  to  the  legs,  where  the  feel- 
ings are  more  acute.  During  the  presence  of  visitors, 
lunvevcr,  the  deterrent  benefit  of  publicit)-  must  be 
waived,  and  recourse  had  to  the  private  stud\-  and 
the  whip,  to  be  addressed  exclusively  to  the  tenderer 
points.  On  such  occasions  it  is  well  to  divest  the  cul- 
prit of  his  shoes,  or  to  revive  the  anticpiated  but  con- 
venient system  of  '  horsing,'  in  order  to  preclude  noisy 
and  inopportune  stampings  on  the  floor.  I  lia\e  e\en 
f(.)und  it  expedient,  during  the  session  of  a  meddling 
board  of  trustees,  to  replace  the  whip  by  a  bunch  of  net- 
tles, wielded,  I  need  hardly  observe,  with  gloved  hands. 
Having  on  that  occasion,  with  prudent  forethought, 
ordered  the  delinquent  to  his  bed,  I  both  found  the 
process  less  laborious,  and  the  few  cries  which  pene- 
trated from  the  dormitory  to  the  board-room  were 
ha})pily  mistaken  for  the  whinings  of  an  inwilid.  A 
supple  rod  is  generally  more  durable  than  a  stiff  one, 
but  must  be  warily  used.  In  the  hands  of  a  too  en- 
3 


v.. 


>-i     :( 


1: 


i 


50 


TFiF,  i;i:\vir,i)i:Ri:i)  qljf:rists. 


^ 


t  i 


!  i 


I 


i. 


tluisiaS'ic  noLTircr  it  is  liable  to  miss  the  Iciis  of  a  nim- 
blc  malefactor  and  come  in  contact  with  the  striker's 
person — niakini^  the  misunderstandinLj  a  most  un- 
pleasant one. 

I  had  intended  to  touch  li^jhtly  upon  those 
portions  of  the  human  anatomy  which  arc  the 
most  sensitive  to  pain,  but,  beini^  unhappily  with- 
out an  assistant,  I  must  needs  omit  this  interest- 
infj  department  of  my  subject,  unless,  indeed,  some 
Querist  will  kindly  volunteer  to  be  the  medium  of 
illustration. 

*  The  advisability  of  flogging,'  which  forms  my 
fourth  heading,  is  sufficiently  established  by  the 
marked  deterioration  of  the  young,  incident  upon  the 
general  disuse  of  this  mode  of  discipline  in  our  pub- 
lic and  private  schools,  lioys  of  from  seven  to  seven- 
teen enjoy  almost  a  monopoly  of  certahi  streets  in  the 
metropolis  and  other  cities  for  the  practice  of  base- 
ball and  pyrotechnics,  single  combats  and  e\'il  com- 
munications ;  and  rash  citi/.ens  who  venture  to  ques- 
tion their  proprietary  rights  are  treated  to  a  volley 
of  slang,  stones,  or  saliva,  according  to  their  size,  age, 
and  sex.  In  the  more  plebeian  neighborhoods  bands 
of  pubescent  bravos,  w^ell  known  to  the  police,  infest 
the  thoroughfares  and  emulate  their  exemplars,  Dick 
Turpin  and  Sixteen-String  Jack,  with  a  boldness  in- 


THE    r.EWlLDKkED   QUERISTS. 


51 


'  i? 


ducccl  by  past  immunity  from  tlio  lash  and  (too  prob- 
ably) future  immunity  from  the  L;allo\vs." 

Miss  Taack  observed  that  she  couUl  vouch  for  the 
alarming  spread  of  youthful  degeneracy.  It  was  im- 
possible to  say  where  it  would  end  ;  but  she  noticed 
with  consternation  that  we  already  had  thousands  o( 
uband(jncd  infants  ! 

"  In  the  public  schools,"  the  Professor  proceeded  to 
say,  "  half  of  the  teacher's  time  is  occupied  in  watch- 
ing and  ter^iporizing  with  tricksters,  who  smile  at  ac- 
cumulated punishments  which  they  know  must  be 
partly,  if  not  entirely,  condoned,  because  otherwise 
their  preceptors  would  be  exclusively  occupied  in  re- 
cording and  examining  impositions.  Thus  the  poor 
instructors  are  becoming  a  byword  and  scorn  to  the 
scholars  and  their  parents,  for  while  the  improvement 
of  well-meaning  pupils  is  their  most  important  and 
expected  task,  they  are  diverted  from  its  due  per- 
formance by  the  tricks  of  the  ill  disposed." 

The  speaker  was  here  again  interrupted  by  Miss 
Taack,  who  exclaimed  that  a  teacher's  notions  of  "  di- 
version "  must  be  somewhat  different  to  hers  !  She 
had  imagined  that  the  fun  was  all  on  the  side  of  the 
scholars  ;  for  in  her  own  school-days  she  had  often 
seen  the  French  mistress  de[)loral)ly  agitated,  and  the 
unfeeling  pupils  dilated  at  her  distress. 


m 


u 


it 


I; 
ill 


n 


■-A   I 


J  \ 


52 


THE    BEWILDERED    QUERISTS. 


I 


w 


1^    i 


"But  perhaps,"  continued  the  learned  orator,  "  all 
this  will  never  be  remedied  until  school  trustees  and 
commissioners  are  obliged  to  qualify  for  their  respon- 
sible offices  by  undertaking  for  one  month  the  man- 
agement of  a  large  school-room  and  class,  simultane- 
ously, by  the  sole  means  of  *  moral  suasion,'  or  an 
'approved  system  of  grading.'  I  shrewdly  suspect 
that  the  humanitarians  would  learn  from  such  a  prac- 
tical ordeal  that  the  most  reliable  method  of  '  awaken- 
ing a  sense  of  honor  in  the  young  '  frequently  is  to 
appeal  directly  to  the  seat  of  that  virtue." 

The  President  was  opposed  to  this  stern  mode  of 
administering  correction  ;  and,  like  Tom  Hood,  he 
had  often  in  his  boyhood  consigned  a  switching  peda- 
gogue to  the  bottomless  pit. 

"  Or  invoked  upon  him  the  curse  of  Cane  !  "  ejacu- 
lated the  irrepressible  Querist. 

"  It  was  with  admirable  judgment,"  said  the  Pro- 
fessor, not  noticing  the  interruption,  "that  the  older 
Greek  grammarians  selected  *  to  strike  *  as  their  first 
example  of  a  verb.  By  the  aid  of  a  similar  selection, 
with  just  a  few  practical  illustrations  of  its  active  and 
passive  voices,  I  have  generally  managed  to  convey 
a  distinct  idea  of  a  transitive  verb,  and  to  lead  my 
pupils  speedily  and  successfully  through  a  somewhat 
crucial  stage  in  the  study  of  language.     Nor  is  it  in 


THE    r.EWILDKRKD    QUERISTS. 


53 


grammar  alone  that  the  instrument  of  correction  pos- 
sesses    the    faculty    of    quickenin^^    the     intellectual 


)i)\vers. 


A 


cane  bent  into   a  hoop,  two  canes  whose 


adjacent  extremities  are  equidistant,  and  three  canes 
enclosint^  a  space,  I  have  found  to  produce  clear  and 


lastmi^  conccptKMis  ol  the  respective  natures  of  a  cir- 
cle, parallel  lines  and  a  triangle.  And  in  the  rare 
cases  where  these  conceptions  have  become  oblitera- 
ted, I  have  ascertained  that  mathematical  figures  de- 
scribed by  a  stick  upon  the  back  of  the  t\'ro  will  re- 
main indelibly  graven  on  his  memory.  In  short, 
whatever  may  be  the  subject  that  is  being  taught,  an 
efficient  application  of  the  rod  can  never  fail  to  pro- 
duce upon  the  stut 


dent 


a  very  mar 


ked 


impression. 


At  the  conclusion  of  the  Professor's  remarks  ATiss 
Taack  prevented  all  further  debate  by  reminding  the 
President  that  the  switching  hour  of  night  was  past. 


t: 


54 


THE    ]'E\VILDERED   QUERISTS. 


I 


In 


SESSION  VII. 

The  countenance  of  the  Chairman,  as  he  appeared 
upon  the  scene  on  this  occasion,  was  unwontedly 
downcast  and  severe.  He  comphuned  that  the 
Society  had  disap[)ointed  him.  Instead  of  a  gen- 
erous rivahy  as  to  priority  in  presenting  papers, 
there  appeared  to  be  a  general  desire  to  shirk  the 
responsibihties  of  authorship  and  to  pick  holes  in 
the  contributions  of  the  few  productive  Querists. 
One  silent  member,  with  whom  he  had  remonstrated 
about  his  apathy,  had  expressed  a  readiness  to  take 
his  turn  upon  the  rostrum,  and  when  the  day  of 
meeting  came  he  7l'(Is  ready — with  his  "  I'lxcuses," 
which  his  modesty  forsooth  forbade  him  to  deliver 
in  person.  lie  v^the  chairman)  was  therefore  to 
be    victimized     into     reading     this     apology    for    a 


j)aper 


I 


EXCUSES. 


"The  most  effective  excuses  generally  rest  upon 
some    illustrious   precedent   or   authority ;    and   the 


THE    BEWILDERED   QUERISTS. 


55 


reference  should  be  calculated  either  to  convince 
the  reason  or  to  excite  laughter.  The  Devil,  who 
is  as  great  an  adept  in  excusing  as  in  accusing — 


'  The  Devil  can  ([uole  Scripture  for  his  purpose. 
An  evil  soul  producing  holy  witness 
Is  like  a  villain  witli  a  smiling  cheek, 
A  goodly  apple  rotten  at  tlie  core.' 

In  spite  of  this  strong  language  of  the  poet  the 
example  of  His  Satanic  Majesfy  seems  to  be  very 
catching.  '  Sir,'  said  somebody — possibly  Dr.  John- 
son— when  his  pastor  remonstrated  with  him  for 
ogling  pretty  girls  in  church,  'the  text  which  forbids 
me  to  behold  tlic  mote  that  is  in  my  brother's  eye 
does  not  prohibit  me  from  regarding  the  beam  that 


is  in  a  sister's    eye. 


A    certain,  or    rather    a 


n    un- 


certain, convict,  sentenced  to  be  flo[rcred  for  a  breach 


t>t>" 


of  jail  discipline,  was  being  divested  of  his  prisoner's 
uniform  prior  to  undergoing  flagellation.  He  begged 
hard  not  to  be  stript,  but  was  reftiscd  on  the  ground 
that  he  was  an  old  offender,  and  perfectly  aware  of 


more    reason, 


the    gravity    of  his    offence.       '  Tlu 

cried  the  sinner,  '  that  I  should  be  allowed  ni}'  coat, 


for    it    is  written, 


He    that    knoweth    his    master's 


\\\\\   and    docth  it  not   shall    be   beaten  with    uuxiiy 


As.' 


wit 


M 


: 

11- : 

1 

1 

! 

ii 

;i 

1 

1 

i 

J 

1 
1 

i 

t 

1 

i 

1  >i 


I  ! 


'im       I 


56 


TIIi:    JJKWILDERED    OUKRISTS. 


s/ri/)rs."'  Hard  bargainers  have  more  than  once 
sent  their  censors  home  smiling  by  adducing,  with 
an  unusual  stress,  the  precept,  '  Go  thou  and  do 
hkewise.' 

A  jolly  Irish  rector  of  the  old  school,  who  belong- 
ed to  the  diocese  of  Tuam,  kept  a  pack  of  harriers.. 
This  circumstance  was  long  unknown  to  his  diocesan, 
thanks  to  the  general  aversion  of  the  Irish  peas- 
antry to  *  peaching' — an  aversion  which  is  seldom 
overcome,  except  in  political  conspiracies.  But  a 
sudden  visit  of  the  prelate  took  the  sporting  parson 
by  surprise,  and  he  had  only  just  time  to  remove 
the  dogs  to  a  distant  outhouse.  As  luck  would 
have  it,  the  bishop  expressed  a  desire  to  sec  the 
grounds,  and,  as  he  neared  the  place  of  its  confine- 
ment, the  whole  pack  gave  tongue.  *  My  lord,' 
cried  the  rector,  hoping  that  a  ready  compliment  to 
his  superior's  own  youthOd  fame  in  the  gentle  art 
of  venery  might  provoke  that  dignitary  into  smiling, 
'it  is  clear  that  they  have  smelt  an  old  sportsman.' 
A  shadow  of  a  smile  crossed  the  episcopal  features, 
and  they  relapsed  into  austerity.  '  Don't  you  think, 
my  lord,'  asked  the  clergyman,  pursuing  his  advan- 
tage, *  that  the  New  Testament  sanctions  this  healthy 
recreation  ?  ' 

'  I  should  like  to  know  where  ! '  said  the  bishop. 


THE    BEWILDKREl)    ()UERISTS. 


57 


k 


'  "  It  is  the  hare  ;  come  let  us  kill  him,"  '  answered 
the  unabashed  parson. 

The  Right  Reverend  gentleman  remonstrated  that 
a  quotation  should  always  be  correct. 

'  15ut  surely,'  rejoined  the  rector,  '  you  can't  expect 
me  to  be  particular  to  a  Jiair  ?  '  - 

This  unexpected  atrocity  completed  the  prelate's 
demoralization.  lie  smiled,  and  the  daring  incum- 
bent kept  his  living,  at  the  expense,  it  is  true,  of  the 
harriers." 

"  Of  course,"  said  Miss  Taack  dubiously,  "  that 
may  be  one  mode  of  interpreting  the  text." 

Mr.  JMitggs. — "  It  is  the  oily  interpretation  of 
coursed 

The  President. — "  The  Querist  is  too  much  given 
to  running  commentaries." 

JMr.  Mui^gs. — "  Our  President  is  given  to  a  baser 
vice — he  seems  inclined  to  'ave  a  rise  !  " 

(.  i  ery  of  Oh  !  and  with  staring  eyes  and  perpen- 
dieular  neir,  a  sensitive  jii ember  sank  to  earth.) 

"  'Tis  al\va)'s  so,"  said  the  unfeeling  Muggs, 
hounded  on  by  the  reproaches  of  the  b}'standcrs, 
"  the  timid  hair  starts  from  the  inanimate  form  when 
it  hears  the  '  cry.'  " 

Shade  of  Hahnemann!  the  last  enormity  neutral- 
ized the  first,  and  the  prostrate  member  rose. 


r 


?« 


( 


HB 


58 


THE    HKWILDKRKD   QUERISTS. 


I! 


i 


"  A  feint  !  "  observed  the  President,  as  he  proceeded 
to  resume  his  readinc^. 

"  Useful  and  ingenious  pleas  in  arrest  of  judgment 
may  of  course  be  devised  without  dragging  in  any 
quotation  whatever.  In  the  school  where  I  learned 
that  ignorance  is  not  always  bliss,  all  new  rules  and 
regulations  were  duly  read  out  by  a  drill  sergeant, 
whose  duty  was  to  execute  the  sentences  of  the  mas- 
ters, and  assume  control  of  the  boys  during  play- 
hours.  On  one  occasion  a  fresh  arrival,  nicknamed 
l^'oxy,  was  detected  in  a  lie,  into  which  his  penchant 
for  excuses  had  betrayed  him.  Our  head-master  had 
invited  him  into  his  study  and  was  commencing  the 
dissertation  upon  the  heinousncss  of  the  offence,  etc., 
whicli  commonly  preceded  correction,  when  l'\)xy 
abruj)tly  informed  him  that  he  was  not  aware  of  its 
bcincr  against  the  rules  to  tell  a  lie. 

'  Didn't  know  it  was  against  rule  to  tell  a  lie  ?  ' 
roared  the  astounded  pedag(jguc. 

*  No,  sir,'  explained  the  urchin  ;  '  for  I  never 
heard  the  sergeant  giving  out  any  rule  against  it.' 

Foxy  used  to  tell  us  that  once  before,  when  he  was 
eight  years  old,  he  evaded  a  whipping  by  tearfully 
confessing  to  his  governess  an  offence  (which  he  feared 
to  be  convicted  of),  and  attributing  it,  in  language 
prudently  recollected  from  a  previous  lecture  of  hers, 


THE  1)i:\viij)i:ri:i)  ()i'i;kisTS. 


59 


to  a  '  Satanic  delusion.'  In  his  *  Ouatrc-vinfrt 
Trcizc,'  Victor  Hugo  mentions  that  Pitou,  a  royahst 
ballad-writer,  beini;  arrested  during  the  Reign  of 
Terror  for  slapping  his  coat-tails  at  the  word  civism, 
only  escaped  the  guillotine  by  aptly  observing  that 
'  it  was  the  very  opposite  of  his  head  which  de- 
served punishment.'  Under  the  regime  of  *  moral 
influences '  there  remain  few  sharp  incentives 
to  apologetic  wit,  and  this  pleasing  accomplish- 
ment threatens  to  be  numbered  among  the  lost 
arts. 

In  a  story  which  somebody  tells,  a  very  ingenious 
pretext  is  credited  to  a  Scotch  parson  under  the  stim- 
ulus of  an  irrepressible  craving  for  a  pinch  of  snuff. 
Unfortunately  when  the  longing  came  upon  him  he 
was  in  the  middle  of  an  impressive  sermon  against 
tobacco.  Happening,  just  as  the  desire  was  becom- 
ing irresistible,  to  notice  his  ancient  clerk  snuffmg 
away  right  under  the  pulpit,  an  inspiration  seized 
him.  He  stretched  his  hand  down,  and  commanded 
the  delinquent  to  pass  up  that  snuff-box.  '  ]\Iy 
brethren,'  he  resumed,  as  he  clutched  the  be  ,  '  while 
I  am  slri\ing  to  aw'iken  your  minds  to  tlic  c\ils  of 
tobacco,  here  is  my  own  clerk,  Sand}'  }JcSand\',  de- 
stroying the  effect  of  my  words.  He  goes  on  this  way 
dipping  in  hrst  one  hand  and  then  the  other  and  lift- 


m 


tiv; 
f 


P^  *! 


f  n  11 


Co 


TIIK    1!I;\VII.1)1:KKI)   qukkists. 


iiifj  thctii  to  Ill's  nose  (/ii^rc  Jiis  reverence  suited  tJie 
action  to  t/ie  zvord),  and  snuffing  up  the  abomi- 
nation !  You  know  you  did,  Sandy !  *  added  he, 
as  if  that  discomfited  sinner  were  about  to  deny  the 
imputation. 

Wlien  it  is  necessary  to  excuse  ourselves  by  proxy, 
we  should  be  very  careful  in  choosing  our  spokesmen. 
Servants,  especially  Irish  ones,  are  seldom  to  be 
trusted.  An  acquaintance  of  mine  once  directed 
her  footman  to  inform  visitors  that  she  was  not  at 
home.  One  incredulous  caller  asked  him  if  he  was 
s?trc  his  mistress  was  out. 

'  Yes,  ma'am,'  said  he,  *  for  she  tould  mc  so  this 
minnit.'  " 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  reading,  Miss  Taack 
remarked  that  she  could  not  answer  for  flunkies, 
as  she  never  kept  one  ;  but  she  agreed  with 
]\Ir.  O'Callahan  that  servant  girls  '  were  imminent- 
ly  unsuited  to  be  spokesmen.'  She  had  known 
their  statements  to  be  so  mixed  up  that  it  was 
quite  impossible  to  execrate  them  from  their  con- 
fusion. 

]\Iuggs  thought  that  in  one  respect  they  were 
n7/able  mouthpieces — they  didn't  object  to  repeat- 
ing a  lie  a  dozen  times  in  an  afternoon.  Talking 
of  servants  reminded   him   of  a  conundrum  printed 


W' 


THE    ]JI<:\VlLDEki:D   QUERISTS. 


6i 


1' 


by   a    certain    Querist,   whom    modesty    forbade  his 


iianiinLT : 


"Why  is  the  German  ICmperor's  coachman  Hkc 
his  master  ?  A;/s.  Because  he  carries  out  his 
sovereign,  Will  !  " 

7otii^  and  disordered  rout  of  jncmbcrs. 


i 


M- ■ 


If] 


% 

ii. 


62 


'iiii;   i;i;\\  ii,I)i;ki:i)  oukrists. 


SF.SSION  VIII. 

WllKN  it  appeared  that  a  quorum  had  taken  tlieir 
seats,  the  President  rose  to  say  that  his  remonstrances 
about  their  indolence  seemed  to  have  been  wasted  on 
tile  desert  air.  Perliaps,  this  being  their  hist  meet- 
in;j^  for  the  present  season,  Querists  had  antedated  or 
anticipated  their  vacation  :  at  all  events  no  one  had 
as  yet  come  forward  with  a  contribution.  Any 
literary  remarks  would  therefore  be  in  order. 

A  mercenary  member  explained  that  his  leisure 
time  hatl  been  wholly  occupied  in  elaborating^  the 
scheme  of  a  great  newspaper,  "  The  Winding  Sheet," 
to  be  devoted  to  the  interests  of  cremation,  inhu- 
mation and  suspension.  It  was  expected  to  triple 
the  circulation  of  the  Daily  Noose,  which  owed  its 
poi)ularity  to  the  unaided  charms  of  the  last  topic, 
and  an  appropriate  mispronunciation.  To  secure 
a  perennial  supply  of  casualties,  the  "  Sheet  "  would 
denounce,  as  despotic  and  inimical  to  enterprise,  the 
testing  or  condemnation  of  boilers,  the  liability  of 
railway  companies  for  the  lives  of  their  passengers, 
the  interference  with  the  right  of  carrying  concealed 


Tin:  iii:\vii.i)i;Ri:i)  (jlkrists. 


r^3 


id  th 


weapons,  and  the  conipulsdry  examination  ot  dispcns- 


inir  chemists.     With  tlie  same  view  it 


won 


Id  ad 


vocate 


the  free  sale  of  poisons,  tiie  license  to  adulterate  food 
and  drink,  the  nobility  of  revenge,  the  duty  of  acquit- 
ting the  fair  chastisers  of  masculine  turpitude,  the 
spread  of  fire  Insurance,  the  fiery  celebration  of 
[national  anniversaries,  the  petting  of  inebriates,  the 
exclusively  medical  treatment  of  kleptomaniacs  and 
emotioned  criminals,  and  the  manumission  of  convert- 
ed felons.  lie  respectfully  solicited  the  co-opera- 
tion of  the  society. 

O'Callahan  hoped  he  would  shortly  be  able  to  offer 
the  gentleman  the   MS.  of  a  serial  eminently  suited 


to    tl 


le    proposed    jourm 


It    was    entitled    "The 


IVIartyrs  at  the  Steak,"  or  "  Mrs.  Boggs's  hoarders," 
and  contained  some  startling  revelations. 

Muggs    said    that   the   enterprising    publisher    had 


omitted    one    grand     incentive    to    homicidt 


II 


e 


should    establish    a    column  of   'fashionable    intelli- 


^^ 


nee,'   interview   milliners    and    footmen   for  it 


ems, 


and  in  playful  and  familiar  phrases  parade  the  names 
of  modest  and  unblemished  ladies  side  by  side  with 
the  females  who  pay  for  notoriety.  At  first  sight  the 
proprietor  might  apprehend  unpleasant  coiiseciucn- 
ces  for  number  one,  if  he  should  add  this  to  the  other 
attractions  of  his  journal  ;  but  with  a  little  judicious 


Pi 


ill 


64 


TIIK    HEWILDKRF.I)   (  )U1:KIS  IS. 


f 


; 


) 


manajiijcincnt  the  mortality  nii^ht  be  confiiicd  to  re- 
porters and  matia^in,L(  editors.  And  it  ou^ht  to  be 
considered  that  nothin<^  increases  the  circulation  of  a 
paper  like  thrillin^^  accidents  or  scandals  anioni,^  its 
staff,  for  the  public  easterly  buy  the  sheet  which  is 
sure  to  contain  the  freshest  and  fullest  particulars. 
lie  would  further  suL;i;est  that  tlic  paper  should  be 
printed  in  crimson,  which,  besides  beini;  typical  of 
the  contents,  would  insure  its  being  always  red  from 
bey,inning'  to  end. 

The  mercenary  member  flattered  himself  it  would 
be  read  with  an  a. 

"There  certainly  is  a  difference  between  tlic 
words,"  Mr.  Mugi^s  admitted. 

A  modest  member  trusted  that  the  "  Sheet"  would 
not  seek  its  sensations  in  personals  and  personalities, 
or  delude  the  simple  by  puffing  patent  panaceas. 

"Malicious  libels,"  said  Miss  Taack,  "will  never 
cease  until  writers  arc  compelled  to  sign  their  contri- 
butions and  become  directly  responsible  therefor. 
Under  the  present  system  the  purest  characters  arc 
not  secure  from  synonymous  insinuations.  With  the 
several  improvements  indicated,  I  daresay  the  con- 
templative daily  will  be  a  commercial  success,  for  it  is 
painful  to  see  the  avidity  with  which  people  devour 
the  details  of  hairbreath  scrapes  and  melancholic  ac- 


!i! 


'^1 


riiK   iu;\vii,i)i:ki:i)  (U'kkis'I's. 


OS 


cidcnts.  The  editor  of  the  '  Sheet,'  however, 
should  avoid  the  nianv  conventual  absunlities  which 
are  now  current  in  newspaper  market  reports.  How 
•hops'  cu\  be  'steady,'  how  there  can  exist  'a  lirni 
feelini;  in  coffee,'  or  how  opium  can  be  '  no  Ioniser  a 
druL;  on  the  market,'  is  more  than  I  can  comprehend. 
It  may  be  news  to  so/zir  people  to  be  told  by  a  repor- 
ter that  at  an  AL^ricultural  Fair  '  cattle  are  L^oiuf;  at 
fair  prices,'  while  'swine  are  dull,'  or  that  in  a  com- 
mercial mart  *  offcriiij^s  arc  limited  '  in  leather  !  I 
once  saw  in  a  Southern  paper  that  '  l^arbadoes 
'lasses  were  selling  at  45  c.  per  gal!'  but  I  suppose 
this  must  have  been  before  the  abolition  of  slavery. 
It  is  strange  but  true  that  all  these  ridiculous  market 
*  quotations  '  are  published  by  their  illiterate  writers 
without  a  single  pair  of  converted  commas  !  Now, 
as  hints  which  our  enterprising  fellow-Querist  is 
welcome  to  adopt,  I  shall  just  give  a  few  specimens 
(chiefly  from  the  poets)  of  what  /call  genuine 


'  '1 


I 


% 


■■■! 

] 
i 


TRADE  OUOTATIONS. 


Patronize  a  good  tailor  and  butcher  :  *  for  it  is  fit 
and  meat  so  to  do.' 

Motto  for  a  baker :  *  Tell  me  where  is  fancy 
bread  ?  '     (Inquire  within.) 


r 


HI 


66 


TIIK    ];i:\VII,DERED    QUERISTS. 


i 


Maxim  for  a  confidini^  florist  :  '  Charge  for  the 
n;ol(lcn  lilies  now.' 

Mode  of  addressinir  a  musician  of  the  name  of 
James :  *  Bright  Jem  instinct  with  music,  vocal 
spark  ! ' 

Song  for  would-be  borrower,  when  money  is  re- 
ported '  close  :  '   '  Thou  art  so  near  and  yet  so  far.'  " 

The  mercenary  member  passed  a  flattering  eulo- 
gium  upon  the  lady's  originality  and  discernment. 
With  a  little  practice  on  the  press,  she  would  doubt- 
less become  a  literary  star.  Me  would  be  happy  to 
afford  her  ample  opportunity  to  cultivate  her  powers 
of  composition,  and  was  willing  to  engage  her  for  a 
year  to  furnish  a  daily  column  of  similar  citations — 
two  copies  of  the  paper  to  be  taken  in  payment,  with 
an  extra  one  if  she  should  organize  a  club  of  ten. 
At  the  close  of  their  contract,  if  she  had  grown 
famous,  he  woul'd  make  a  handsome  proportional  in- 
crease to  her  stipend,  or  even — if  she  should  ungrate- 
fully desire  to  forsake  him — he  would  waive  his 
equitable  claims  to  her  services. 

O'Callahan  protested  that  the  rendezvous  of  the 
Querists  was  not  quite  the  place  for  getting  up  bar- 
gains or  sells — of  this  descri])ti()n.  It  was  foreign  to 
his  conception  of  a  polite  society  that  members 
should  derive  profit  from  their  membership.     He  did 


THE    BEWILDERED    QUERISTS. 


^7 


not,  however,  want  to  influence  the  lady  adversely  to 
the  gentleman's  proposition  ;  but  he  strongly  advised 
her  to  ask  for  an  indefinite  time  to  decide,  and  at  its 
expiration  to  request  an  extension. 

At  this  point  the  mercenary  member  angrily  started 
to  his  feet,  and  the  harmonious  decorum  of  the  Met- 
ropolitan Society  might  have  been  rudely  interrupted 
for  the  first  time,  had  not  ]\Iuggs  created  an  oppor- 
tune diversion  by  abruptly  proposing  what  he  fanci- 
fully styled  a  conundrum  : 

"  Why  is  a  Bewildered  Querist  like  the  yolk  of  an 
^St?  ? "  Anszucr. — "Because  he  is  an  egg-centric 
fellow  !  " 

Completely  riddled  by  this  unexpected  discharge, 
the  irate  Querists  promptly  shared  in  the  general  col- 
lapse. On  returning  to  his  senses,  the  Professor 
gasped  that  such  an  atrocity  was  unworthy  of  one 
who  professed  to  be  a  '*  scientific  gent." 

"The  learned  Querist,"  cried  Muggs,  with  more 
than  usual  emphasis,  "  is  utterly  mistaken  :  I  neither 
claim  nor  desire  to  be  a  '  gent.'  The  Querists'  Web- 
ster, if  I  live  to  introduce  that  vali!able  compilation 
to  the  public,  will  contain  the  following  definition  : 
'  (iKNT.— A  vulgar  fraction  of  a  gentleman.'  " 

The  Professor  hastened  to  explain  that  he  sympa- 
thized with  Mr.  Muggs'  aversion  to  the  abbreviation, 


'f 


I; 
I 


68 


THE    liEWILDERED   QUERISTS. 


which  he  had  used  only  as  part  of  a  quotation.  In 
his  own  opinion  this  contraction  conveyed  a  very  con- 
tracted idea  of  a  <^entleman. 

Symptoms  of  thirst  and  restlessness  having  now 
displayed  themselves,  the  President  said  : 

**  Ladies  and  Gentlemen  : 

I  have  now  to  announce  the  termination  of  the 
first  season  of  the  Metropolitan  Society  of  Bewildered 
Querists.  Not  beincf  a  tailor,  I  have  no  wish  to  cut 
up  members  about  the  close,  and  then  to  draw  tears, 
by  a  touching  valedictory.  I  therefore,  without  fur- 
ther adieu,  dismiss  you  with  my  benediction,  con- 
gratulating you  upon  the  curious  results  already 
attained  by  the  Society,  and  trusting  that  during  your 
recess  you  will  strenuously  continue  the  pursuit  of 
heterogeneous  know' -dge  under  difficulties." 


i 


i  ii: 


\\ 


n 


WOMAN  S   WORTH. 


n 


WOMAN'S     WORTH.* 


On  the  315-/  of  September,  1872,  iJic  foUoiving  cJiar- 
act eristic  address  ivas  delivered  before  the  Auti-Man 
Assoeiation  of  the  United  States,  assembled  in  secret 
session,  by  Mrs.  ,  a  tall  and  spiritualistic  aspi- 
rant for  the  Presidential  chair  : 

MY   FELLOW-COUNTRYWOMEN  : 

Even  within  the  restricted  sphere  in  which  she  has 
been  forced  to  move,  the  achievements  of  woman 
have  been  wondrous.  Indeed,  it  has  been  sensibly 
remarked  that  all  eminent  personages  of  ancient  and 
modern  times  have  been  either  women  or  Irishmen, 
and  that  the  exceptions  would  have  been  women,  but 
for  circumstances  over  which  we  have  no  control. 
In  demonstrating  the  truth  of  this  statement,  we  must 
not  always  accept  current  reports.  History  was  writ- 
ten by  man,  and  Jiis  story  naturally  exaggerates  the 


I 


*  Rcpuljlislicd,  \\\i\\  l.nrgc  addilions  ainl  cIiiiu^l's,  from  the  Xlu  N'oik 
"  World."  In  tliis  s|k'ccIi  a  few  IioriDwcd  jokci  appear,  in  eoiUKetioii ; 
vvliicli  it  is  hoped  may  excuse  their  re>iirrectioi\, 


-s 


1 1| 

'    ■ 
HI 


.  1 


M 


72 


WOMAN  S    WOkTFI. 


exploits  of  liis  own  sex.     Comparative  philology  and 
the  inspired  writers  are  more  trustworthy  guides. 

Thus  there  are  good  grounds  for  supposing  that 
ships  were  invented  by  a  female.  The  word  for  a 
vessel  is  feminine  in  English  and  most  other  languages, 
and  a  ship,  as  you  are  all  aware,  has  many  other 
points  of  resemblance  to  a  woman.  Sometimes  she 
is  attached  to  a  buoy,  sometimes  she  is  tender  to  a 
man-of-war,  or  hankers  after  a  swell.  On  other  oc- 
casions she  goes  into  stays,  or  makes  up  to  an  old 
pier.  It  has  even  been  suggested  by  some  commen- 
tators that  the  first  vessel  was  named  after  a  female, 
probably  its  inventor.  Ar^,  they  say,  is  a  well- 
known  woman's  name,  as  in  J^oau  of  Arc  ;  and  as  it  has 
been  recorded  of  Joan  of  Arc  that  she  was  Maid  of 
Orleans,  so  it  has  been  written  of  Noah's  Ark  that 
she  was  jiiadc  of  gopher  wood.  St.  Paul  himself, 
apparently,  recognizes  the  striking  analogy  between 
gals  and  galleys  when  he  speaks  of  woman  as  "  the 
weaker  vessel."  lUit  beyond  this  there  is  reason  to 
suppose  that  Eve  herself  was  a  ivJialcr,  for  we  read 
in  the  fourth  chapter  of  Genesis,  "  Adam,  Seth, 
*  live,  Cain,  Abel.'  "  Many  modern  women  succeed 
capitally  in  the  same  line  of  business.  Mow  well  I 
remember,  when  my  mother  took  me  on  her  knee, 
what   a   lot  of  blubber  she  would   tret   after  a   little 


I 


tV. 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


n 


zvhaling  !  Indeed,  I  was  once  so  much  struck  by  her 
performance,  that  I  took  to  wailinLj  nn-self.  Women 
are  no  less  adroit  as  fishers  for  phiice  and  other  flat 
fish,  while  in  fishing  for  compliments  they  are  most 
acute  anglers.  They  have  always  shown  a  marked  par- 
tiality for  water,  insomuch  so  that  they  have  c^ften 
been  appropriately  called  ducks.  Our  depreciators 
may  say  that  we  cannot  man  the  navy  ;  but  it  is  from 
us  that  all  sensible  men  select  their  mates,  and  no  man 
can  deny  that  from  our  very  girlhood  we  make  the 
best  of  skippers  ! 

In  chemistry  the  services  of  woman  have  been  con- 
siderable. Besides  givinq;  their  names  to  such  useful 
therapeutic  agents  as  vSW-volatilc,  />'r/^?-donna  and 
J/cj'^-nesia,  she  was  the  first  to  employ  a  very  valu- 
able preparation  of  potash.  "  lo  died  of  love  for 
Jupiter,"  the  fable  tells  us;  but  we  know  better — 
Iodide  of  potassium,  a  martyr  to  the  noble  cause  of 
science. 

Ladies'  qualifications  as  logicians  are  of  the  high- 
est order.  For  the  ari^uutentum  ad  Jiomiiiem,  for 
begging  the  question,  for  eluding  the  point,  and  for 
never  giving  in,  give  me  a  woman. 

In  art^uiiiL;,  too,  jill  men  must  own  lier  skill, 
l'\ir  c'cii  tliouyli  vanquished,  slic  can  argue  ^till. 


\ 


% 


i 


8 


:j   ■' 


^MW 


74 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


And  combined  Avitli  these  ai)pLirently  contradictory 
gifts  is  tliat  calm  and  unbiased  judt^ment,  that  habit 
of  impartial  decision,  which  has  \vr'.in<j  from  men  the 
unwillini^  confession  that  we  are  indeed  the  fair  sex. 
If  Aristotle  introduced  the  synthetic  method  of  rea- 
soning^, it  seems  beyond  a  doubt  that  a  woman  ori- 
ginated the  analytic  system.  And  yet  historians 
must  pluck  even  this  laurel  from  our  brow,  and  claim 
the  credit  for  an  luigHsh  philosopher.  As  if  the  first 
Ann  Elizer  could  have  been  a  man  !  That  our  con- 
tributions to  science  might  have  been  more  numerous, 
I  cannot  deny  ;  but  then  so  great  is  our  attachment 
to  \.\\c  pursuit  of  truth  that  we  don't  want  to  overtake 
it,  and  end  the  chase. 

In  the  realms  of  literature,  however,  woman  has 
roamed  untrammeled  by  any  such  restriction,  and  her 
career  has  been  proportionately  glorious.  Owing  to 
her  natural  aptitude  for  tclii/i^^  stories,  she  has  already 
in  a  great  degree  supplanted  her  competitor  in  the 

er    superiority  in    the 


)ro 


ducti 


ion  of    romances. 


M 


poetic  art  would  be  still  more  marked  were  it  not 
that  she  devotes  so  many  of  her  imaginative  efTorts  to 
those  sublime  but  impracticable  subjects — babies — 
and  that  many  of  her  genuine  triumphs  have  been 
coolly  claimed    and     a})propriated     by  ma 


n. 


Th 


us 


Horace  insidiously  talks  of  the  "  masculine  "  Sappho 


WOMAN  S   WOR'llf. 


75 


'.'mI 


ami  they  actually  teach  in  our  collet^cs  that  the  cele- 
brated poetesses,  .///-acreon  and  /,//-cretius,  belonj^ed 
to  the  u<;ly  sex  !  It  woukl  hardl)-  become  nic  to 
dwell  upon  our  well-known  success  as  lecturers— both 
before  and  behind  the  curtain. 


It   is   not   my   opinion   that  wc  m; 


\v 


vocation    lies 


amoni:   the   trades  or  mechanical   arts.      She  feels  a 


'fc) 


natural  attraction  to  teas  ;  but  yet  her  finer  instincts 
revolt  ai^ainst  u.  i^Torcr's  sphere  of  duties.  Lot's  wife 
may  have  been  changed  into  a  pillar  of  salt ;  but, 
thank  goodness,  it  is  only  men  who  voluntarily  con- 
vert themselves  into  salt-cellars  !  Our  fair  hands  are 
naturally  suited  for  marketing,  yet  they  would  shrink 


tl 


om  tne  erne 


1  offi 


ces  o 


f  tl 


le  snamoies 


bl( 


Th 


e  woman 


of  high  aspirations  should  not  descend  to  the  low 
plane  of  the  carpenter  ;  nor,  though  she  may  favor 
sweeping  reform,  should  she  soil  her  skirts  in  clean- 
ing streets  or  chimneys.  It  is  not  for  her  to  waste  her 
restless  energies  in  mending  shoes,  in  grinding  knives, 
or  repairing  the  fastenings  of  doors.  And  }'et — to 
their  shame  be  it  spoken — many  of  our  most  ad- 
vanced females  are  to  be  seen  going  about  with  dis- 
ordered loeks  !  They  charge  us  with  neglecting  the 
homelier  feminine  accomplish  aents  :  few  of  us,  they 
say,  can  cut  or  alter,  gopher  or  take  in.  This  petty 
reproach   is   most   unfair.      Any  well-trained   girl  of 


1^1 


?  )\ 


■  '■>  f3 


76 


k'V- 


WOMAN  S   WORTH. 


i|: 


the  present  generation  (and  what  girl  who  can  afford 
the  material  is  uot  well-trained  ?)  can  cut  a  body  in 
the  most  approved  style,  and  alter  or  take  in  a  bean  ; 
and  our  own  husbands  and  fathers  are  ready  to  avouch 
that  we  ci\n  go  for  a  new  dress,  whenever  we  see  the 
ghost  of  a  chance  ! 

The  proficiency  of  woman  in  painting  has  not  been 
particularly  remarkable.  It  is  nevertheless  true, 
that  with  characteristic  boldness  she  has  usually 
selected  the  highest  and  most  delicate  of  subjects, 
and  is  most  devoted  to  painting  herself,  and  that, 
in  another  field,  master  pieces  of  design  have  been 
executed  by  various  designing  females.  Ikit  our 
triumphs  in  the  symphonious  art,  from  the  days 
"  when  Music,  heavenly  maid,  was  young,"  more 
than  atone  for  our  comparative  remissness  with 
the  brush.  Fluting  is  supposed  to  have  been  in- 
vented by  the  same  talented  lady  who  introduced 
crinolines,  and  who  composed,  in  commemoration 
of  the  latter  invention,  that  celebrated  opera,  "  The 
Rows  of  Cast-Steel.''  Even  Handel  cannot  hold 
a  candle  to  the  famous  ^//-dante,  whose  name  ap- 
pears on  so  many  lovely  compositions.  Yet  I 
do  not  grudge  to  man  his  proper  meed  of  praise  : 
he  may  claim  his  Mozarts,  his  Verdis,  and  his  Offen- 
bachs  ;    he  can   blow    his    own  trumpet,  and    count 


If 


WOMAN  S    WOKI'II. 


77 


by  millions  his  fiddlcrSy  and  pcM'formcrs  on  the 
pipe.  I  will  even  tulniit  that  the  goddess  of  harmony 
;iy  have   had  a  male  associate,  in    accordance  with 


m 


th 


le  views  of    the  poet,    who  o 


bserves  that    "  ]\Iiisic 


itl 


irose  witn  iier  vo 


hipt 


nous  swl 


11. 


'l'houL;h  the  pulpit  has  been  closed  to  women 
before  the  era  of  the  Rev.  Olympia  ]^rown,  )'ct  even 
under  this  disability  they  have  won  many  theolos^ical 
distinctions,  and  from  the  earliest  aj^es  the  belles 
have  called  sinners  to  church.  If  most  of  the  pro- 
phets have  been  men,  the  Mdrtas  were  without  ex- 
ception females.  If  wc  have  had  one  yohii  the  J^ap- 
tist,  we  ha\'e  had  many  y/////^/-I)aptists.  Indeed 
women  ha\e  always  been  addicted  to  schisms — 
especially  \\ittir/.sv//i'.  Clergymen  themselves  ha\'e 
selected  the  ^i^V7i>/i  as  the  proper  garment  for  their 
sacerdotal  office,  and  after  taking  our  dress  they 
leave  us  in  the  cold  !  And  yet  it  is  peculiarly  un- 
fair to  debar  us  from  the  ministerial  profession.  We 
have  always  been  favored  mediums  of  communica- 
tion  between  mankind  and  the  spirit-workl.  We 
were  chosen  to  tend  the  nu'stcrious  Vestal  flame, 
and  were  the  mouth-pieces  for  the  utterances  of 
the  Delphic  oracles.  Two  sisters  invented  the 
Rochester  knockinijs, — as   Colli 


t->-  ' 


ins    says,   "  rap/,   i 


n- 


spir 


-and    it   remained    for    another    woman    to 


'I 


i 


Ml 


ir 


l  V 


78 


Woman's  worth, 


span  a  cliasni  of  l\\cnt)--t\vo  centuries  and  com- 
niiine,  in  the  best  of  (jieek,  with  the  manes  of 
Deniostlienes  ! 

I  take  this  opportunit)'  to  remove  a  shir  cast  upon 
mociern    spiritualism.        Performances    <;iven     in    the 
dark,    it   is   said,    cannot   bear  the  li^dit.      Now,  just 
consider  tlie  facts.      It  is  well  known  that  flames  have 
a    tendency    to    burn     blue    in     the    presence    of   a 
genuine    apparition,  and    a  £;limpse  of    one  puts  all 
natural  hair  into  a  perpendicular  attitude.      Could  a 
ghost    with    the  slightest   pretensions    to    politeness, 
such  a  ghost  in  fact  as  would  accept  a  civil  invitation, 
be  so  ill-natured  to  the  wearers  of  artificial  rincrlets  as 
to  make  his  appearance  in   the   light.       besides,  the 
duty  on  imported  spirits  is  very  high,  and  the  dark- 
ness  aids  them  in  eluding  the  guardians  of  the  law. 
It  is,  further,  to  be  considered  that  at  midnight,  when 
spirits  usually  take  their  recess,  the   excise    law  goes 
into   operation.      And  if  the  gas  was   //o/  turned  off, 
ilu'ir  revilers  would  talk  o{  i^hasfly  apparitions,  or  of 
mediums  ^i,'v?.s\s7'//^^'"  the  audience  !     Would  any  spectre, 
I  ask,  with  the   smallest  vestige  of  benevolence,  ex- 
pose its  patrons  or  itself  to  such  atrocities  ? 

Our  sex,  which  many  of  its  detractors  own  to  be 
cucJiantiiif^,  c1iaruii)ig\  and  hci^'itcJi'utg,  constitutes 
the  greater  part  of  the  most  interesting  supernatural 


II  ii 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


79 


bciiiLjs.  The  N\'niplis,  Sirens  ami  Mermaids,  the 
IMuses  and  Graces,  were  all  female.  So  were  the 
()riental  Peris,  and,  with  few  exceptions,  our  own 
I'airies,  while  even  men  allow  us  a  majority  amoni; 
the  ani;els. 

Our   fitness   for  the  healing  art  has  been  freely  ad- 
mitted by  the  rouL^her  sex  : 

'' O  woniaii,  ill  wur  Imur-  of  ca>c 
I'lHC'iUiiii,  ens,  ami  lianl  to  please, 
Anil  variahic  a-,  llic  >-!iailc 
liy  tliu  Hl^Iu,  iiuivi'riiiL;  a>iu'n  mailc, 
Wlicii  paia  ami  anL;ui->li  wiIhl;  the  brow, 
A  ininislcring  ant;L'l  lliou  !  " 


A  handsome  houKeopathic  doctrcss  miL;ht  be  ex- 
pected to  Ileal  numerous  cases  of  bliL;hted  [iffection, 
on  the  principle  that  "  like  cures  like.'"  Her  charms, 
reawakeniuL];  the  susceptibilities  of  love-sick  swains, 
would  often  ]:)rove  an  effectual  anti-c/tV^'.  Tlumsands 
of  men  of  all  classes,  but  especially  clerks  and  stu- 
dents, are  pining  to  experience  woman's  gentle  treat- 
ment. Indeed  the  profession  should  be  exclusively 
her  own  ;  for,  as  Dr.  ]\Iar\-  \V.  .  .  r  has  forcibly  re- 
marked, with  indignation  stamped  upon  her  manly 
brow,  e\ery  male  doctor  who  pockets  his  professional 
fee  unsexes  himself  and  becomes  a/cr-malc. 


t!       S 


a  t 


'   .1  fi 


80 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


]»ut  it  is  not  in  this  direction  [ilonc  th:it  man  has 
usurped  our  fcMiiininc  vocations.  Ih-cwin;^,  baking, 
wcavinL,^  etc.,  were  once  conducted  entirely  by  wo- 
men, a.;  any  one  acquainted  with  etymoloij^y  might 
infer  from  such  once  common  names  as  '  brcwstcr,' 
'  malster,'  *  bagstcr,'  and  *  spinster.'  Of  these  trades 
they  liavc  only  left  us  the  last— a  business  which  is 
unfortui.atoly  rather  overcrowded  just  now.  In  all 
past  ages  the  art  of  7/iatc/i-m'dk\ng  was  confined  to 
us  ;  but  lately  even  this,  our  ancient  monopoly,  has 
been  encroached  upon  by  the  matrimonial  columns 
of  certain  journals.  And,  as  if  it  was  not  enough  to 
invade  our  various  spheres  of  usefulness  insidiously 
and  by  degrees,  we  have  often  been  legislated  en 
masse  out  of  our  legitimate  callings.  Statutes  throw- 
ing  thousands  of  women  out  of  employment  were 
enacted  against  the  luxurious  habits  of  the  Roman 
matrons.  And  yet  those  paragons  of  Arcadian  sim- 
plicity, their  lords  and  masters,  by  the  aid  of  drastic 
prescriptions  used  to  manage  three  dinners  or  so  a 
daA',  and  probably  wanted  to  secure  the  price  of  a 
fourth  b)'  reducing  their  wi\'es'  expenditures.  lUit 
the  most  atrocious  persecution  of  this  natvire  was  the 
notorious  Salic  Law,  a  measure  disqualifying  women 
from  holding  public  offices,  but  originally  aimed — 
according  to  certain  unknown  and  talented  historians 


m 


WOMAN'S    WORTH, 


8t 


who  have  conducted  their  researches  on  the  princi- 
ples of  Nicbuhr — at  a  popuhir  Oucen  Sally.  The 
misguided  enemies  of  this  princess  may  have  thought 
It  a  capital  joke  to  make  an  idle  sally  ! 

Our   dcpreciators   will   have  it  that  we  are  incapa- 
ble of  performing  military  service,  and  therefore  un- 


)f 


cscrvinci  ot    a  voice  ni 


th 


e  frovernmen 


t  of 


our  coun- 


try. Now,  in  spite  of  all  the  disadvantages  imposed 
upon  her,  and  notwithstanding  her  want  of  training, 
woman  has  fought,  and  fought  heroically,  on  many 
memorable  occasions.  Need  I  allude  to  the  Cartha- 
ginian ladies  who  tore  their  han*  out  to  make  bow- 
strings, and  threw  themselves  into  the  flames  of  their 


■i-,'1 


n 


•itive  city  ?  Need  I  mention  Scmiramis  or  Zenobia, 
the  warlike  Clorinda,  immortalized  bv  Tasso,  or  the 
chivalrous  Britomart,  celebrated  in  Spenser's  "  Faery 
Oucene "  ?     And    the  fire  that  warmed    our  grand- 


m 


others    and  aunts'   sisters  burns  as  briMitlv  i 


^>' 


n  our 


bosoms  to-day.  Each  modern  war  has  produced  its 
heroines— the  Commune  its  Petroleuses,  the  Italian 
strufTLfle  its  Delia  Torres,  the  Southern  Rebellion  its 
Jjclle  Iv""'ds,  and  other  fair  creatures  "  who  cher- 
islied  noble  lon<jings  for  the  strife."     If,  as  X^ircril  re- 


't)'"!r5 


cor 


Penthesilea  led  her  bands  of  iVmazons,  and, 


though    a    viruin,    dared    to    engage    with    men,"    I 


!-."^>^ 


know  scores  of  maidens  who  would   not  shrink  from 


■•  u 


m 


i 


II: 


M 


>   i 


82 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


\    ii- 


r//i,77^^'", 


///C  uitli    anv  cliu'iblc  male    even    if  he    were 


twice  tlieir  si/e,  and  wiio  need  but  a  slight  hint  to 
rush  to  arms.  W  Judith  is  lauded  in  the  sacred  nar- 
rative for  having  fearlessly  tv// ^^  a  tyrant's  head, 
more  memorable  exploits  occasionally  pass  unrecord- 
ed before  our  eyes.  The  other  day,  in  one  of  our 
most  crowded  streets,  a  brawny  colored  girl  seized  a 
youth  who  had  offered  an  insignificant  price  for  her 
luxuriant   waterfall,   and,  grasping    him  by  the   hair, 


1 


)roceeded    to 


)ut    a 


head 


o/i 


him. 


II 


IS 


IfT 


brother  shared  his  fate,  being  speedily  knocked  out 
of  time  b)'  the  l^thiopian  pet,  who,  at  the  b(;ginning 
of  each  round,  came  promptly  and  spitefully  to  the 
scraU/i.  If  Jael,  the  wife  of  Ileber  the  Kenite, 
snK^te  an  iron  nail  into  the  temple  of  the  sleeping 
Sisera,  did   not  Molly  O'Dowd,  the  Billingsgate  fish- 


ith  th( 


woman,  whi[)  live  policemen  m  five  minutes  wi 
natural  nails  of  her  hands?  Who  has  not  heard  of 
the  gigantic  yV//;'-phemus,  or  of  the  gallant  Lou-El- 
len, the  Welsh  princess  who  checked  the  victorious 
army  of  King  lulward  ?  Who  has  not  read  how  the 
stout  German  matrons,  of  the  Two-ton  race,  fired 
with  the  true  spirit  of  Mars  — and  grandmars,  fought 


lie  by  sidi 


th  th 


iliant 


Bef( 


sicie  Dv  sKie  witu  tneir  \'aiiant  sons  .■'  lieiore  tne  in- 
vention of  gunpowder,  women  loved  to  r//v?Ti'  the 
long  bozu  ;  and  when    contrasted  with    the    most    re- 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


83 


doubted  male  archers,  our  archer  graces  were  invari- 
ably conspicuous.  Almost  c\'cry  girl  had  her  bow- 
some,  it  is  said,  a  dozen  beaux  at  the  same  time,  each 
of  course  "  upon  a  string."  We  have  exhibited  to  the 
world  a  number  of  brilliant  and  successful  S(7///i's  ;  we 
march  with  the  infantry  in  arms,  and  skilfully /'^/'(^/r///t? 
brcccJics.  We  are  never  wholly  shiftless,  and  when  most 
tightly  pressed  on  both  flanks  by  hostile  bands,  we 
extricate  ourselves  by  timely  faints.  We  smile  as  we 
scent  tJic  powder  ;  the  sound  of  tlie  luill  is  music  to 
our  cars,  and  even  in  the  ;■('///  we  remain  irresistible  ! 
l^ven  the  gentlest  and  most  sensitive  of  our  sex 
may  be  roused  into  combatixeness  by  great  and  sud- 
den provocation.  vSome  time  ago  I  myself  was  strol- 
ling quietly  along,  musing  upon  the  chances  of  the 
Presidential  election — as  Shakspcare  beautifully  ex- 
presses it,  "in  maiden  meditation,  fancy  free" — 
when  an  impudent  scamp  fixed  his  eyes  upon  my  bon- 
net, and  asked  if  it  was  cold  \.\\)  tJicrc !  Thinking 
this  a  rather   cool   question,  I  was  r.'ioving  on,  when 


the  scoundrel   called  me  his   Lilliputian.      Now  this 
a^   a    little  too   much.      •'  Lilly  who,  sir  ?  "  said  I  : 


w 


n 


I'll  have  you  to  know  that  Lm  neither  Li!l_\'  this 
or  Lill)'  that,  but  a  respectable  married  lady." 
With  that,  I  lifted  him  up  gently  by  the  two  ears, 
and   made  him  reoard  the  situation  from  a  somewhat 


I 


iw  1 


m 


84 


\Vf)MA\  S   WORTH. 


I 


different  point  of  view.  As  his  education  had  evi- 
dently been  sadly  nei;iectcd,  I  devoted  a  minute  to 
polishinc;  him  off.  He  tried  to  whistle  it  off"  as  he 
retreated,  but  I  noticed  that  the  tunc  was,  **  Put  me 
in  my  little  bed." 

After   this    knock   doivn    argument,   why  should  I 
seek  further  for  examples  of  woman's  fighting  quali- 


ties. 


That  she  would  make  a  "-reat  hit  in  the  glad- 


iatorial arena,  has  been  proved   beyond  a  doubt  by 
the  striking  illustrations  I  have  given. 

My  fellow-countrywomen,  in  the  hope  that  I  may 
more  signally  display  our  executive  ability  and  aid  in 
transplanting  our  undeveloped  energies  to  other  and 
wider  fields  of  usefulness,  I  have  consented  to  make 
myself  a  candidate  for  the  Presidency  of  the  United 
States.  For  the  salvation  of  our  sex,  I  have  master- 
ed my  natural  diffidence  ;  I  have  defied  the  voice  of 
calumny,   and   borne  the    reproach   of  almost   every 

uf- 


d 


isrepu 


tabl 


e  '  ism. 


You 


see 


befo 


re  you  a  loiig^  su_ 


fcring  creature !  They  say  that  1  advocate  poly- 
gamy, though  my  bosom  friends  can  bear  me  witness 
that  I  despise  a  woman  who  would  undertake  the  du- 
ties and  responsibilities  of  married  life  with  more  than 
three  husbands  at  the  same  period  of  her  existence, 
lliey  insinuate  that  in  the  approaching  era  I  would 
confine    man   to   the   care  of  the  household  and  the 


;       f : 


WOMAN  S    WORTH. 


8=; 


nurture  of  children.  Ladies,  I  have  no  such  desire. 
I  hold  that  (in  families  too  poor  to  keep  a  nursery 
boy)  no  true  wife  should  object  to  takinn;  charge  of 
the  baby  once  in  a  while,  especially  on  emergencies 
which  may  require  tact  and  dissimulation.  They 
even  accuse  me  of  favoring  free  love  !  They  might 
as  well  say  that  I  wanted  to  populate  the  Great 
American  Desert  by  means  of  the  multiplication 
table.       Free   love,    indeed  !      Why,    if  there's    one 


thinir    I    scorn,    it's    a 


man   \\ 


ho    wants  to  have  his 


courtship  free  of  expense — to  make  love  on  the 
cheap  !  I  consider  it  an  inalienable  right  and  privi- 
lege of  the  males  to  invite  us  to  theatres,  balls,  drives 
and  champagne  suppers  —not  that  /  ever  imbibe — 
and  to  present  us  with  l^rench  candies,  bouquets, 
diamonds,   necklaces     and     chai 


ns. 


If  they  want 
woman  to  ling  her  chain,  that's  the  way  to  do  it. 
And  yet  they  say  that  I  wish  to  deprive  men  of  all 
their  privileges  ! 

I\Iy  enemies   have   even   directed  the  most  odious 


id   absurd  buff 


id  th( 


.bl( 


ana  aosura  ouiiooncries  against  me  ana  tne  n(jtJle 
ladies  who  labor  with  me.  One  jester  forgets  that  I 
am  not  a  spinster,  and  apprehends  that  my  Presiden- 
tial term  will  be  an  era  of  mis-vnXc,  and  mv  electors 
////.s--c'/!/V/-makers  !  Another  says  I  remind  him  of  a 
Crusader,  because  I  am  champion  of  the  cross  !     The 


1 


% 


PS, 


■11 


m 


•ii 


86 


WOMAN  S   WOKTII. 


i  't 


SaL^c  (^f  Clinppaqua — wlio,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  Is 
more  <4i\'cii  to  saus  than  wise  sayings — suggests  tliat 
I  should  gi\'e  up  silks  and  satins,  because  I  want 
Diuslni  during  the  dog-days  !  Some  learned  philol- 
ogist observes  that  we  are  on  the  f.iir  road  to  prove 
that  woman  is  derived  from  Ik.wc  and  man,  and  virgin 
from  vir  (a  man)  and  gin  (a  snare).  This  vile  lam- 
poon up(Mi  the  worthy  Dr.  Mary  \V r  has  appear- 
ed in  a  public  journal  : 

"The  personal  appearance  of  Dr.  W r  is   not 

attractive.  lie  is  not  particularly  neat  in  her  cloth- 
ing, and  his  hair  is  not  nicely  put  up  in  a  way  to  let 
you  know  if  he  is  a  woman  or  she  is  a  man.  He 
wears  a  sort  of  a  cross  between  a  frock  coat  antl  a 
})etlicoat,  which  comes  down  to  her  knees,  beneath 
which  are  conspicuous  his  pantaloons  and  boots. 
Wd  thought  he  was  somewhat  rutle  when  she  step- 
ped off  the  platform,  as  he  did  not  olTer  us  her  hand 
to  aid  us  in  alighting.  lie  asked  us  to  attend  her 
lecture,  but  she  did  not  offer  us  any  of  his  tickets." 

And  just  because  this  lady,  smarting  under  a  sense 
of  her  sex's  wrongs,  has  adopted  a  practical  mode  of 
rc-dicss,  another  scribbler  must  needs  stigmatize  her 
■^i^  i\  pautalooiialii  !  I  sui)pose  it  is  masculine  l(\gic 
to  condemn  the  breeches  which  etiquette  prescribes 
for  males  a'-  breaches  of  etiquette  in  a  female  ! 


woman's    WokTU, 


S7 


But  I  pursue  my  course  uiulismaycd  by  these 
shafts  of  sarcasm  and  detraction.  I  feel  that  the 
crisis   has   come   when   tiic  political  trickery  of  man 


mu 


st  )'ield   to  the  winnini,^  ways  of  woman. 


T 


lere 


are  three  factions  in  the  field,  exclusive  of  George 
Francis  Train  ;  autl  each  of  them  is  weakened  by  in- 
ternal dissensions,  except  that  of  George  Francis — 
whose  party  consists  of  himself !  Now  is  the  time 
to   strike.      Let  us  combine  for  a  few  weeks,  and  the 


male    creation    will    be    at   our   feet.      Where    is   th 


c 


o 


vaunted   politeness  of  our  opi)ressors,  if  a  lady  is  t 
stand  for  office,  and  a  man  to  occuiiv  the  Presidential 


ch 


air 


They  may  boast  that  Grant  is  a  man  vt{  fuic  presents, 
or  speak  of  him  as  a  \\vj\\\y  gifted  personai^e.  They 
may  talk  of  his  having  been  a  tanner,  or  of  Wilson's 
having  been  a  cobbler,  hoping  to  make  their  support- 
ers true  to  the  last.  As  if  it  were  a  credit  to  public 
men  that  they  had  sold  their  own  soles  for  gain  ! 
But  these  official  freebooters  will  soon  have  to 
abandon  their  booty  for  the  thread  of  their  political 
existence  is  zva.ving'  to  an  end  f 

One  moon-light  night,  not  long  ago,  I  stood  beneath 
the  sky  awaiting  the  approach  of  my  spiritual  aniiiily, 
through  whose  assistance  T  sought  to  read  the  secrets 
of  the  stars.     The  rapturous  and  sublime  emotions  of 


§1 


I; 


|.i 


I 


88 


WOMAN  S    WORIH. 


the  liour  were  presently  interrupted  by  an  inaudible 
voice.  "  J)cnio.sthenes  !  "  I  murnuired,  as  our  spirits 
iuL^led,  "say,  what  is  the  mystic  sentence  of  the 
I4ht?  "      "  l\>ndapanieibomenos,  thui;  domh  po^j^ue, 


ni 


^nia  colleen  og',"  replied  the  orator  with  true  oracular 
ambiguity — which  means,  wlicn  translated  from  the 
orii'-inai  Greek,  "  To  the  tanner  tannincr,  and  leather- 
ing  to  the  leatherer."  "And  what  of  Greeley?" 
I  inquired  breathlessly.  '*  Will  Horace  cope  success- 
fully with  the  great  star-comljination  ?  "  "His  horos- 
cope says,  no,"  was  the  reassuring  answer. 

It  is  theref(M'e  with  much  assurance  my  country- 
W(jmen,  of  assurance  derived  from  spirits  and  from 
the  bier,  that  I  enter  the  political  arena  as  your  can- 
didate, the  exponent  of  your  aspirations,  and  reformer 
of  )'our  grievances.  In  your  behalf  I  advocate  the 
recfMistruction  of  our  postal  system  -a  thorough  re- 
gulation of  the  mails.  I  favor  the  one  term  prin- 
ciple, which  suits  my  own  retiring"  disposition.  I 
maintain  the  importance  of  reducing  taxation  and 
cutting  down  the  public  expenditure.  And  who  is 
so  fit  as  woman  to  bear  the  standard  of  economical 
reform  ?  1  [as  she  not  al\va}'s  protested  against  the 
'  extravagance  of  man,  and  often  raised  an  immense 
bustle  abt)ut  a  little  ivaist  /  I  insist  on  the  abolition 
of  the  oppressive  duties  upon  silks,  satins,  laces  and 


WOMAN  S    WOKTII. 


So 


gloves — dyes,  pcM-fumcs  and  cosmetics — and  otlicr 
necessaries  of  life  ;  and,  as  it  is  an  axiom  in  political 
economy  that  the  public  burdens  sIkjuKI  rest  most 
heavily  upon  articles  of  luxury,  I  propose  to  increase 
the  imposts  upon  tobacco  and  liquors,  firearms  and 
fishinL;-rods,  base-balls,  and  billiard  tables,  and  all 
such  incentives  to  idleness  and  dissipation. 

You  have  lone;"  sought,  as  your  candidate  for  the 
White  House,  a  representative  of  /i/'o-/i  sfaiidiui^ — a 
person  of  some  z^'cio-/it  in  the  coramunity — a  woman 
capable  c>{ fiilii/o-  the  Presidential  chair,  or  any  other 
chair  in  the  United  States.  Now  that  you  have  found 
a  fU  and  .s7///able  executive — as  they  said  of  Andy 
Johnson,  because  he  was  a  tailor — stick  to  )'Our  colors. 
Practice  )-our  favorite  motto,  and  "  let  your  light  shine 
before  inoiy  If  you  meet  with  some  discomforts,  or 
lose  a  few  silly  admirers  more  or  less,  recollect  that  we 
must  sometimes  "  stoop  to  conquer," — as  I  once  re- 
marked when  I  gave  a  small  boy  a  box  on  the  ear. 
Go  boldly  to  the  polls  :  take  with  you  your  credulous 
husbands,  beaux  and  brothers.  Let  us  occu])y  the 
place  intended  for  the  last  and  best  of  created  beings  : 

"  l'\)r  XatuiL'  swears  ns  lovely  dears 
Her  ni)l)Iesl  work  slio  elasses,  ()  ; 

Her  'prentice  hau'  she  trieil  on  man, 
Aihl  tlien  the  nuuie  llie  Ia>ses,  ()." 


Ill 


Ill 


\ 


90 


CU'IS   AM)    (..LAUDS. 


I 


CUTS  AND    GUARDS.* 

Tx  a  dislurbcd  stale  of  society,  and  at  an  epoch 
whicli  we  fnul  it  unnecessary  anil  indeed  impossible 
to  particularize,  a  rather  truculent  and  hairy  custom- 
er, richly  garnished  with  bowie  knives  and  pistols, 
recjuesled  the  ser\'ices  of  a  barber,  offering  the  liberal 
fee  of  a  sovereign  for  a  clean  shave  in  five  minutes, 
but  threatening  in  a  decidedl}'  business-like  way  in- 
stant death  as  the  penalty  for  a  single  abrasion  of  the 
skin,  ilis  conditions  being  cheerfully  acquiesced  in, 
at  the  successful  close  of  the  operation  the  eccentric 
customer  expressed  his  surprise  at  the  other's  tem- 
erity, adding  that  he  was  quite  in  earnest  himself. 
"  i^ut,"  explained  the  tonsorial  artist,  calmly  and 
suggestiveh\  "  1  should  ha\e  seen  the  blood  first  !  " 
lie  had  probabh'  heard  the  prox'erb  about  a  stitch  in 
time,  and  believed  a  seasonable  cut  quite  as  efficacious 
on  occasions.  The  history  of  gladiators  and  pugilists 
strikingly  illustrates  the  same  principle  ;  but  the 
merits   of  the   cut   preventive   are  just  as  clearly  e.\- 


*  From  "The  Round  Tabic." 


(TTS    AND    Cl'AKDS. 


91 


hihitcd  ill  the  social  arena,  and  our   i)rcscnt   l)usincss 
is  with  the  tactics  of  those  more  pohshed  combatants 


A\ 


ho    aim    to    pierce    the    feeHiiLrs.    not    the    liid 


e  s .  o 


f 


their  antaj^onists.  Have  }'ou  wounded  a  confidini;' 
friend  in  any  tender  point?  Ilax'e  \'ou  sneered  at 
his  morals  before  divines,  at  h.is  tailor  before  the   fair 


sex. 


at  1 
1 


lis  person  before  an\ 


■l)od' 


ant 


1  d 


o    \-ou    mia- 


gme    Jimi    aw 


are    of  the     fact  ?      I'.iss    him     ( 


)n 


tl 


ic 


earliest  opportunit}'  with  an  abstracted  mien,  and  a 
countenance  more  in  sorrow  than  in  anirer.  Startled 
at  being  anticipated,  he  perhaps  fancies  that  he  has 
himself  been  misrepresented  to  you,  and,  with  a  new 
insiLiht  into  the  malice  of  human    nature,  he   believes 


}' 


on  anotlier  o 


th 


)f    it: 


victims. 


Perl 


ia[)s,    anL;-r\'   at  the 


hicl 


1,   pr 


indignity,  he  seeks  an  explanation,  in  w 
pared  and  cool,  }'ou  lia\'e  a  double  ad\'aiitage.  }^ven 
should  pride  or  a  ccrtaintx'  of  wrongs  recei\'ed  pre- 
vent his  taking  any  action,  you   lia\e   still   gained  by 


a 


ddiii! 


insult    to    injury 


You    have    disturbed    his 


equilibrium,  while  you  have  maintained  )'our  own 
gentlemanlike  repose  ;  you  have  snubbed,  and  not 
been  snubbed.  And  if  the  motive  of  a  meditated 
slight  be  interest  or  caprice  instead  of  righteous    in- 


dignation, the  antidote  or  solace   is   the   s;i 


me. 


h 


or 


example,    when    a    long -descended    simpleton    or    a 
noui'caii  richc  desires  to  drop   an    obscure  or  a   po(jr 


ui 


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WEBSTER,  NY    14580 

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92 


CUTS   AND   eiUAKDS. 


i 


! 


acquaintance,  it  is  better  for  both  parties  that  the 
latter  should  take  the  initiative.  It  preserves  the 
self-respect  of  the  one,  while  it  wounds  the  self- 
love  of  the  other.  So  far  for  the  philosophy  of  the 
cut  defensive  or  anticipatory. 

A  readiness  to  take  offence  is  generally  a  mark  of 
conscious  inferiority  or  an  exacting  egotism.  In  the 
crowded  assembly,  in  the  commercial  or  fashionable 
thoroughfare,  the  detective  may  notice  everything, 
the  reporter  rather  more.  But  ordinary  mortals  are 
apt  to  be  occasionally  distracted  by  tlieir  thoughts 
and  snrroiindingr.  hidic.-.  to  be  ininiCrscd  ui  a  study 
of  the  fashions,  the  ruder  sex  entranced  by  pass- 
ing beauty.  Society  men  are  embarrassed  by  the 
multiplicity  of  their  acquaintances,  who,  like  mis- 
fortunes, will  come  in  battalions,  and  often  on  both 
flanks  at  once  ;  while  strangers  are  not  on  the  qui 
vivc  to  notice  unexpected  friends.  Philosophers  and 
short-sighted  people  have  a  prescriptive  claim  tc 
forbearance,  always  allowed  by  people  unconscious 
of  any  social  inferiority  or  injury  done  ;  and  the  vic- 
tim of  a  squint  may  simultaneously  offend  two  un- 
reflecting strangers  by  unwarranted  nods  and  stares, 
while  the  real  recipient  of  his  oblique  regards  may 
smart  under  an  imaginary  cut.  Indeed,  wc  have 
seen  it  in  print  that  a  squinting  man  of  fortune,  lost 


CUTS  AND   GUARDS. 


93 


in  admiration  of  a  lovely  dvbutante  at  a  dance,  was 
asked  his  intentions  by  the  mothers  of  two  ladies  of 
an  uncertam  age. 

But  if  in  many  cases  it  is  narrow-minded  or  even 
vulgar  to  magnify  a  non-recognition  into  a  social 
casus  belli,  the  animus  of  some  cuts  is  unmistakable, 
and  is  indicated  by  signs  intelligible  to  all  but  the 
naturally  or  artificially  obtuse.  The  cut  ideal,  it  is 
true,  ignores  the  existence  of  its  unhappy  object  with 
a  look  so  exempt  from  anger,  regret,  and  every  other 
emotion,  so  naturally  occupied  by  othor  ^ictIus  nnH 
sounds,  frivolous  or  serious,  of  the  time  being,  that 
it  has  absolutely  no  discernible  traces.  Perhaps  the 
recipient  of  that  animated  but  unrecognizing  glance, 
aware  of  some  growing  coolness,  of  some  wrong  re- 
ceived or  done,  comprehends  and  excepts  its  mean- 
ing —  accepts  it  even  with  well-bred  indifference. 
Yet  it  leaves  some  sting  ;  his  society  has  been  drop- 
ped and  has  created  no  necessary  vacuum — he  feels 
at  least  a  little  smaller.  The  ideal  has,  however, 
been  more  fully  attained  when  the  puzzled  victim 
has  exposed  or  re-exposed  himself  to  the  same 
neglect ;  and  the  closer  the  tics  of  blood  or  affection 
that  have  been  so  nonchalantly  severed,  the  more 
complete  the  artistic  triumi)h.  A  coquette  who  gives 
his  conge   to  an   ineligible  or  superfluous  conquest, 


liil 


94 


CUTS   AND   CLA'DS. 


especially  relishes  his  non-accoptance  of  the  dis- 
missal, and  gracefully  renews  the  ^'^^l^'^  pleased  with 
the  mingled  tribute  to  her  histrc  i^  trJents  and  her 
charms.  Between  this  exception  il  perfection  of  dis- 
guise and  the  wanton  display  cf  |u  v.ty  spite  there  are 
many  intervals.  For  if  volui.  iry  abstraciion,  as 
philosophers  say,  distinguishes  n  ai  from  the  odier 
animals,  the  nearer  he  approacht «  iie  brute  creation 
the  less  will  be  the  development  of  tl;is  faculty.  And, 
beneath  a  would-be  imperturbcblc  exterior,  some 
gleam  of  consciousness  —  an  o^  ->l»M!e  gayety,  a 
shadow  of  regret  —  will  usually  ^L'tray  the  absence 
of  the  "  nil  admirari."  Where,  ..:c!ccd,  the  pcsou 
we  ignore  has  become  an  object  of  our  posi:ive 
aversion,  a  voluntary  infusion  of  superciliousness, 
if  it  does  not  enhance  the  venom  of  the  cut,  may  at 
least  spare  us  the  recurrence  of  an  unwelcome  pres- 
ence ;  and  candor  is  surely  allowable  when  it  can 
be  utilized.  On  a  tioscitur  a  sociis  principle  the  cut 
prononce  is  equally  effective  when  an  acquaintance 
labors  under  an  unpopularity  deserved  or  undeserved, 
or  when  he  has  become  so  hopelessly  seedy  as  to 
detract  from  our  status,  social  or  professional.  It  is 
gossiped,  indeed,  that  some  of  our  modern  million- 
aries  owe  much  of  their  success  to  such  prompt  vindica- 
tions of  their  sensitive  respectability.      In  a  majority 


CUTS  AND   CIUAKDS. 


95 


of  instances,  however,  all  signs  of  feeling  and  marJ.- 
festations  of  intention  are  involuntary  shortcomings 
from  the  self-created  ideal  or  the  finished  exemplar. 
Yet  we  are  cognizant  of  a  few  cases  where  such 
weaknesses  of  the  flesh  have  worked  out  satisfactory 
consummations,  A  glance  of  ingenuous  indignation 
from  a  wrongly  aspersed  friend  may  lead  one  to  in- 
vestigation and  amends;  a  quiver  of  the  lip,  a  soften- 
ing of  the  eye,  a  flush  of  the  cheek,  while  it  betrays 
an  assumed  indifieronce,  may  bring  back  a  truant 
lover  in  sackcloth  and  ashes  to  his  discarded  flame. 

If  the  excellence  of  a  cut  varies  according  to  the 
training  and  self-posscsri.  n  nf  thv?  a:;  m'.  the  mode  of 
procedure  is  generally  regulated  by  the  motive.  In 
this  country  of  ups  and  downs  men  of  the  world  have 
found  it  injudicious  to  adopt  the  direct  with  an  em- 
barrassed acquaintance  who  may  be  blessed  with 
either  character  or  friends.  A  quiet  avoidance  an- 
swers their  immediate  purpose  quite  as  well,  while  it 
exempts  them  from  indignant  remarks  about  their 
insincerity  or  selfishness,  and  reserves  to  them  the 
privilege  of  welcoming  or  possibly  sharing  in  tlie 
contingent  prosperity  o(  ihc'iv  fric/u/.  In  the  execu- 
tion of  this  judicious  plan  shops  and  offices  become 
sudden  havens  of  refuge  from  inopportune  col- 
lisions ;  and   the  self-possessed  may  utilize  even  pri- 


9^ 


CUTS  AND   r.UARDS. 


vatc  houses  by  vague  yet  affectionate  inquiries  for  an 
ideal  Smith  or  Jones.  A  meetinj^  with  a  man  "  who 
has  seen  better  thincjs,"  on  a  country  road,  if  less 
hkely  to  compromise  one,  is  much  more  perplexing 
to  evade,  though  an  inventive  genius  might  impro- 
vise the  chase  of  an  imaginary  rat.  A  gambler  of 
versatility  and  assurance  used  to  anticipate  the  tem- 
porarily embarrassed  members  of  his  fraternity  by 
lamenting  his  own  disasters  and  requesting  a  loan — 
throwing  thereby  the  burden  of  evasion  on  another's 
shoulders.  But  this  last  ruse  may  have  a  disadvan- 
tage of  its  own.  The  poor  are  notoriously  charita- 
ble— lion  ii^nara  Jiiali,  miser  is  succnrrcre  disco — and 
it  is  distressing  to  be  offered  half  of  a  disappointed 
man's  last  dollar.  The  indirect  cut  is  often  suggest- 
ed by  pure  amiability.  Arm-in-arm  with  Brown,  a 
quiet  Roman  Catholic,  you  naturally  shirk  Cantwell, 
the  nasal  controversialist.  Warned  by  an  angry  sire 
against  the  society  of  Gay,  a  ne'er-do-weel,  young 
hopeful,  side  by  side  with  that  fascinating  scamp, 
descries  his  parent  in  the  distance,  and  filially  re- 
solves to  alter  his  course  —to  spare  a  father's  feelings. 
And  doubtless  a  somewhat  similar  delicacy  leads 
married  people,  under  somewhat  similar  circumstan- 
ces, to  elude  their  better  halves. 

Besides   rustics,  and   those  who  glory    in    exhibit- 


mfman^w/jim^ 


CUTS  AND   GUARDS, 


97 


ing  an  expression  of  petty  malice,  and  who,  tr.  ,    ^  to 
look  contemptuous,  become  c<)ntcmptii)Io,  some  poo- 
pie  labor  under  peculiar  disadvantages,  in  L;i\  ini;-  ;.  .d 
receiving  cuts.     A  snub-nose   or  natural  contoj-i  )i. 
of  the  mouth  under  such  circumstances  may  scei?/  ;  ;\ 
ill-bred  exhibition  of  spite  ;  and  short-sighted   oco- 
ple  who  do  not  wear  glasses  must  be  slightly  abrupt. 
On  the  contrary,  the  single  eye-glass,  adjunct  o^  the 
scenic    fop    and  object   of  the    vulgar  sneer,  r- ikcs 
some  amends  to  its  ill-used  wearer  when   h.   nc  pc- 
trates  a  premeditated  cut.     The  inexpressivenes>  <  l 
the   unassisted,  the   glassy  stare  of  the  assisted  <^\  -. 
coupled  with  a  steadying  of  the   facial   nerves  and  a 
general  air  of  superciliousness,  envenom   the   wou'  .\ 
of   tins    vitreous    weapon,    and    rendei    it    liie    nicst 
effective,    gorgon-like,     icy,     and    apparently    "  tlv 
most  unkindest  cut  of  all." 


1^:    1 


98 


THE   LOGIC  OF  SLOTH. 


THE   LOGIC   OF   SLOTH.* 


I  i 


If  our  ideas  originate  in  reflection  as  well  as  in  sen- 
sation, our  earliest  morning  thoughts  are,  Hke  those 
of  our  childhood,  generally  drawn  from  the  latter 
source.  Unless  lately  the  winners  or  recipients  of 
rare  good  fortune,  or  suffering  from  the  more  poign- 
ant ills  that  flesh  is  heir  to,  our  first  waking  impres- 
sion is  one  of  soul-absorbing  physical  repose.  Like 
lotos-eaters,  we  linger  in  the  soft  contentment  of  the 
present,  till  the  evanescence  of  human  enjoyment 
dawns  ungratefully  on  our  increasing  consciousness, 
phantoms  of  troubles  and  obligations  loom  before  the 
brain,  and  a  struggle,  from  which  the  resolute  only 
are  exempt,  ensues  between  interest  and  inclination. 
Perhaps  the  most  common  and  efficjent  argument  of 
the  bland  usurper,  sloth,,  is  what  may  be  called  the 
fallacy  of  accumulation —  the  same  that  regulates  the 
expenditures  of  the  spendthrift,  and  makes  procras- 
tination such  a  very  successful  thief.  We  claim,  gen- 
erally with  apparent  reason,  that  "  another  five  min- 


*    V 


From  "The  Round  Table." 


THE   LOCIC   or  ST/»TI[. 


99 


utcs  is  immaterial,"  and  forget  that  after  the  easily 
conceded  period  the  argument  will  probably  be  just 
as  conclusive  as  before.  Indeed,  this  fallacy  is  spe- 
cially dangerous  between  the  sheets.  Should  there 
flash  before  the  vacillating  sluggard  a  vague  and 
troublous  conception  of  such  a  truism  as  that  the 
ocean  is  composed  of  drops,  or  that  "  many  a  little 
makes  a  mickle,"  very  possibly  after  the  close  of 
"just  one  moment  more"  he  is  as  sweetly  uncon- 
scious of  the  thrifty  Scotch  maxim  in  particular,  as 
of  all  unpleasant  facts  in  general.  Such  was  his 
self-seductive  sophistry  who  yearned  for  ''yet  a  little 
sleep,  a  little  slumber,  a  little  folding  of  the  hands  to 
sleep."  Morpheus  is  a  logician  as  ready  as  ingenious. 
A  collegian  resolved  to  nerve  himself  against  his  be- 
setting sin  by  a  recital  of  the  spirit-stirring  passage 
from  the  Psalm  of  Life  : 

"  Let  us  then  he  up  and  doing 
With  a  heart  fornny  ffitc  ; 
ijtili  achicvintj,  still  inusuintj, 
Learn  to  laljor  anil  to  xihiit ;  " 


and  brooding  more  and  more  softly  on  the  rnnrhidiui:^ 
beauties  of  the  stanza,  and  waiting  more  ami  more 
patiently,  he  subsided  in  the  arms  of  the  insidious 
god.     I5y  the   same  persuasive  induencc,  fixed   rcso- 


100 


THE   LOGIC   OF   SLOTH. 


\i 


lutions  of  early  rising,  even  solemn  assertions,  are 
often  nullified  by  the  testy  dignity  of  laziness,  as 
superseding  volition,  and  derogatory  to  the  pride  of 
intellectual,  if  sleepy,  beings.  The  proverb  that 
**  the  early  bird  catches  the  worm  "  is  easily  disposed 
of  by  the  melancholy  fact  that  Mf  car/}'  ivonn  is 
caugJit  by  the  aforesaid  bird.  Opposed  to  the  subtle 
disputant,  most  trains  of  thought  lead  to  the  same 
terminus,  sleep  ;  most  arguments  involve  the  same 
"  illicit  process  ;  "  and  we  reason  in  tt  circle  that  has 
an  end  in  obliviousness.  It  may  be  a  paradox  to 
assert,  that  matutinal  sloth  keeps  up  with  the  age,  and 
is  armed  against  every  innovation  that  threatens 
to  molest  "its  ancient  solitary  reign."  But  if  of 
yore  determined  sluggards  shut  their  ears  to  the 
cock's  shrill  clarion  or  the  echoing  horn,  and  other 
sounds  of  a  less  advnnr/^d  civilization,  so  .he  rush  of 
the  steam-engine,  the  shriek  of  the  whistle,  and  the 
droning  of  barrel-organs  are  equally  ineffectual  to 
rouse  them.  Perhaps  it  is  that  such  discords  are  not 
exclusively  of  the  morning,  but  last  all  day  if  not  all 
night ;  perhaps  it  is  that  every  unheeded  warning 
weakens  the  voice  ot  conscience. 

It  may  seem  hard  that  our  hours  of  repose  should 
be  also  dedicated  to  feline  loves  and  wars  ;  it  is  hard, 
when  nocturnal  catcrwaulings  are  finally  lulled,  and 


THE   LOCIC   OF   SI.OTII. 


lOI 


blood-tliirsty  mosquitoes  have  ceased  to  trouble,  that 
Ave  cannot  be  at  rest.  But  ue  should  bow  to  the 
imnnitable  thou^^h  stran^^e  arrangement.  The  sta- 
tistics of  loni^evity  offer  us  a  fair  chance  of  a  lonij 
and  healthy  life  by  so  doing,  and  a  well-known  adage 
assures  us  of  wealth  and  wisdom  in  addition.  l?ut  how 
are  the  irresolute  to  persevere  in  the  arduous  duty, 
and  the  lazy  to  conquer  their  besetting  sin  ?  At  a 
time  when  our  higher  impulses  are  commonly  rather 
dull,  the  most  generally  effective  logical  weapon  to 
oppose  to  laziness  is  the  art^iinicntnui  ad  cnimcuani  ; 
though  idlers  would  save  their  clothes  by  staying  in 
bed,  and  we  have  heard  of  a  man  selling  his  last  suit 
and  keei)ing  to  the  blankets  in  secure  defiance  <if  a 
modest  and  checkmntf^d  landlady.  Ocher  argmncnta 
ad  licmincr.i  may  be  equally  or  more  powerful  with 
certain  temperaments.  Thus,  the  savor  of  a  favorite 
dish,  coupled  with  the  reflection  that  it  was  probably 
growing  cold,  nay,  even  being  consumed,  has  effect- 
ually wakened  many  and  stirred  them  into  rapid  ac- 
tion ;  while  the  spectre  of  a  sallow  complexion 
forces  many  a  fair  and  willinp-  rnntive  from  the  thral- 
doni  of  sloth.  But  where  the  allegiance  is  undix'ided, 
Somnus  is  a  ruler  sufficiently  despotic,  and  a  diplo- 
mat wily  enough  to  evade  the  most  cogent  argu- 
ments ;   nor  will  solemn  oaths  always  serve  to  reform 


102 


TIIK   LOCIC   OK   SLOTH. 


^        f; 


his  insensate  votaries.  Temperance  plcdfjcs  may  be 
efficacious — liaccluis  is  a  lover  of  truth  ;  but,  like 
Cupitl,  the  drowsy  i;od  will  smile  at  perjuries.  In 
liardened  cases  we  would  rather  prescribe  some  prc- 
arraui^^'d  contrivance  unsusceptible  of  capricious 
cluuv^e,  and  such  as  might  stir  some  ruling  principle 
of  action  or  jar  against  the  sensibilities  of  the  indi- 
vidual under  treatment.  For  example,  Horace's 
cure  for  lethargy  might  be  happily  tried  by  the 
friends  of  the  miserly  faiiirant  ;  for  the  timid,  the 
sword  of  Damocles,  suspended  from  the  ceiling  lialf 
an  hour  before  breakfast,  w'oii]d  be  u  liuitablo  device  ; 
'^nd  M\c  musical  sloth  might  be  awakened  slowly  and 
sadly  by  the  wailing  of  a  bagpipe,  or  roused  by  in- 
fant howls  to  sudden  animation,  not  without   a  vivid 

appreciation  for  Herod  and   Mmc.  R 1.     lUit  let 

the  trusty  servant,  who  persists  in  repeating  and, 
splcndidc  vicndax,  in  misstating  the  hour,  be  long- 
suffering  and  meek  :  let  the  solicitous  or  funny  friend, 
who  gently  applies  the  water-cure,  be  swift  and 
wary.  For  in  truth  a  slugr^rd  roused  vies  in  fury 
witli  a  woman  scorned,  and  is  no  distinguisher  or 
rcsr^cctcr  of  persons  Indeed,  Lord  Bacon's  list  of 
deceptive  appearances,  the  sources  of  human  error, 
is  de[)lorably  incomplete  ;  for  to  his  Idols  of  the 
Tribe,  the  Den,  the  Theatre,  and  the   Market-place; 


THE   LOGIC   OF  SLOTH. 


103 


lie  should  have  added,  if  not  prefixed  the  Idols  of  the 
IJcd.  We  base  this  opinion  on  a  very  extensive  in- 
duction, embracin^r  instances  of  courteous  sluggards 
swearing  at  the  fair  sex  ;  of  constructive  sluggards 
smashing  inanimate  alarm  clocks  ;  of  bashful  sluggards 
in  their  night-clothes  urging  the  pursuit  of  their  dis- 
turber ;  of  forgiving  sluggards  vowing  eternal  en- 
mity;  and  of  sluggards  in  general  letting  their  angry 
passions  rise,  and  shocking  the  manes  of  Dr.  Watts 


■  .1 


I  > 


104 


AUTOniUTOCRVrilS. 


AUTOPIIOTOGRAPHS. 


Tin-:  following  leaves  from  imaginary  "  Mental 
riiotograph  Albums,"  supposed  to  be  the  self-drawn 
characters  of  Fisk,  Greeley,  and  Grant,  appeared 
respectively  in  the  New  York  "  Tribune,"  "  Com- 
mercial Atlvertiser,"  and  "  Frank  Leslie's  IHusl.  ted 
Newspaper."  Mr.  l^^isk's  caricature,  it  need  hardly 
be  remarked,  was  first  published  prior  to  his  decease, 
and  the  last  two  durinLT  the  height  of  the  Presidential 
campaign  of  1872.  The  author  neither  vouches  for 
nor  believes  many  of  the  insinuations  to  be  found  in 
the  subjoined  squibs,  of  which  the  last  two  were 
only  designed  to  travesty  the  unseemly  and  unscru- 
pulous  st}'le  of  political  warfare  adopted  by  some 


jou 


rnals. 


ArTOPIIOT(K;R.\VII    OF   JAMKS    FISK,    JR. 

What  is  your  favorite  color  ?  /wv/i,v  rt  noir. 
What  is  your  favorite  flower  ?  Wild  thyme. 
What  is  your  favorite  tree  ?     Rum  shrub. 


AUTOnrOTOGRAniS. 


105 


What   is   your   favorite    object    in   nature?      Bull 
rushes  on  the  Bank. 

What  is  your  favorite  season  of  the  year  ?     The 
month  o{  March. 

Wliat  is  your  favorite  gem  ?     Jem  Fisk. 

What    is   your   favorite    style  of  beauty?     "The 
loveliness  .  vcr  in  motion  that/^?r^." 

Who  is  your  favorite  architect  ?     Jn-I-go  Jones. 

Who  is  your  favorite  painter  ?     Phiz. 

Who  is  your  favorite  musician  ?     IVIax  Maretzek. 

What    is   your   favorite    piece   of  sculpture  ?     An 
"  animated  bust.'' 

Who  is  )-our  favorite  poet  ?     Dr.  Watts. 

Who  is  )'our  favorite  prose  author  ?     Old  Burton. 

Who  is  your  favorite  character  in  romance  ?  "  Black 
J'ritlay.'' 

What  is  your  favorite  b.n-k  to  take  up  for  an  hour  ? 
"  The  Sad  History  of  Greedy  Jem." 

\Vhat  book  (not  religious)  would  you  part  with  last  ? 
"  Treasure-Trove." 

What  epoch  would  you  choose  to  have   lived  in  ? 
The  age  of  the  Golden  J'Veeee. 

.    Where  would  you  like  to  live  ?     In  "  the  Gard 
<.f6'///." 


ens 


What  is  your  favorite  amusement  ?     Reflection   (i 
tlie  mirror). 


n 


:  i 


1 06 


AUTOI'HOTOCRAPIIS. 


What  is  your  favorite  occupation  ?     Chiseling. 

If  not  yourself  who  would  you  choose  to  be  ? 
Brijiham  Youn<T. 

What  is  your  idea  of  happiness  ?  "  Oh  !  that  this 
too,  too  soHd  flesh  would  melt !  " 

What  is  your  idea  of  misery?  ''Water,  water 
everywhere,  and  not  a  drop  of  drink  !  " 

What  is  your  bete  noire?     A  curtain  lecture. 

What  is  your  dream  ?  "A  Dream  of  Fair  Wo- 
men." 

What  is  your  favorite  game  ?  The  Erie  stock- 
holders. 

What  do  you  consider  your  distinguishing  char- 
acteristic ?     Modesty. 

What  is  the  sublimcst  passion  of  which  human 
nature  is  capable  ?     T.ove  for  our  enemies'  wives. 

What  are  the  sweetest  words  in  the  world  ?  "  Not 
Guilty." 

What  are  the  saddest  ?  "  Gone  where  the  wood- 
bine twineth." 

What  is  your  aim  in  life  ?  To  encourage  the  Icg- 
itimate  drama. 

What  is  your  motto  ?     'Tis   as  well  to  be   hanged 


fo 


r  a  slieen  as  a 


lamb. 


AUTOPIIOTOCRAPIIS. 


107 


(rj^r. 


U.    S.    G.'S   MENTAL  PHOTOGRAPH. 

What  is  your  favorite  color  ?     Claret. 
What  is  your  favorite  flower?     A  toddy-blossoni. 
What  is  your  favorite  tree  ?     A  whiffle- ^ree. 
What  is  your  favorite  object  in  nature  ?     A  "  stone 
fence." 

What  is  your  favorite  letter  ?     "  The  alfsc/if  T." 

What  is  your  favorite  season  of  the  year  ?  The 
present  season. 

What  is  your  favorite  perfu"^e  ?     Jockey  Club. 

What  is  your  favorite  wine  ?     Muniui. 

What  is  your  favorite  style  of  beauty  ?  A  bull- 
l-up. 

What  arc  your  favorite  names  ?      Tom  and  Jerry. 

Who  is  your  favorite  painter  ?     Tommy  Nast. 

Wlio  arc  your  favorite  musicians.      Harpers. 

What  is  your  favorite  instrument  ?     The  pipe. 

Who  is  your  favorite  poet  ?     Longfellow. 

Who  is  your  favorite  prose  author  ?     More. 

Who  is  your  favorite  character  in  romance  ? 
Cit^arette. 

Who  arc  your  favorite  characters  in  history  ?  The 
last  of  the  Ihynrhons. 

What  is  your  favorite  book  to  take  up  for  an  hour  ? 
Job  (when  fat). 


io8 


AL'lOl'FloiOCUArilS. 


M 


i 


What  book  (not  religious)  would  you  part  with 
last?     "  Hard  Cash." 

What  iv^c  would  you  choose  to  live  in  ?     /V/Z-agc. 

Where  would  you  like  to  live  ?  In  a  palace  or  a 
cellar  (wine). 

What  is  your  favorite  amusement  ?  Travelling  {on 
a  free  pass). 

What  is  your  fav^orite  occupation  ?     Raking  {in). 

What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  admire  in 
man  ?     Generosity. 

What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  admire  in  wo- 
rn ;n  ?     Liberality. 

W^iat  trait  of  character  (\o  you  most  detest  in  each? 
Sponging. 

If  not  yourself,  who  would  you  rather  be?  The 
next  President  of  the  United  States. 

What  is  your  idea  of  happiness  ?  Four  Aces 
against  four  KiuLTS. 

What  is  }-our  idea  of  misery  ?  Four  Kings  against 
four  Aces. 

What  is  your  dream?  Ulvssks  I.,  Dei  Gratia 
Ami:k.  Imp. 

What  is  your  f  ivorite  game  ?     Grab. 

What  do  you  believe  to  be  your  distinguishing 
characteristics  ?     A  dogiied  and  stable  disposition. 

What   is  the   subliniest   passion   of  which    human 


AUTOniOTOGRAniS. 


109 


nature  is  capable  ?  Love  for  our  enemies —^nfo re  tJic 
election. 

What  arc  the  :  'vcetest  words  in  the  world  ?  "  All 
that  I  have  is  thine." 

What  are  the  saddest  words  ?     "It  was  my  last 


cigar. 


What  is  your  aim  in  life  ?     To  be  the  most  gifted 
man  of  the  age. 

What  is  your  motto?     "To  him  that  hath,  shall 


be  given." 


AUTOrilOTOC.RAl'II   OF   II.  (J. 


What  is   your   favorite   color  ?     The  pink  of  ele- 


gance. 


What  is  your  favorite  flower  ?      "iraham  Jlonr. 

What  is  your  favorite  tree  ?      Trea^ow. 

What  is  your  favorite  object  in  nature  ?      A  snake 
lying  in  "  The  Sun." 

What  is  your  favorite  season  of  the  year?      The 
Lecture  season. 

What    is    your    favorite    perfume  ?     An    odor    of 
sanctity. 

What  is  your  favorite  song?     "Woodman,  spare 

that  tree." 

What  is  your  favorite  style  of  beauty  ?     A  white 
hat :  //.  G.'s  tile  of  beauty. 


I 

i 


II 

I 


1  \o 


AUTOIMIOTOCRAIMIS. 


.    1 


Wliat  i?  your  favorite  name  for  a  man  ?     Pai  (on 
the  back). 

\\1iat  is  your  favorite  name   for  a   woman  ?     Fan 
(the  Grcele}'). 

What    are  your  favorite  musicians  ?     Trumpeters 
and  dninuners. 

What    are    your    favorite    instruments  ?      Brazen 
and  Re  id. 

Wlio  is  your  favorite  painter  ?      Turner. 

Wlio  is  your  favorite  poet  ?     Horace  (the  Roman). 

Who  is  your  favorite  prose  author  ?     Horace  (the 
rum  "un). 

Wiio  is  your  favorite  character  in  romance  ?     The 
Ceuiits  of  the  Ri/iX- 

Who  is  your  favorite  character  in  history  ?     Jeff. 
l)avis. 

What  is  your  favorite  book  to  take  up  for  an  hour  ? 
"  Und<>r  Two  Flaos." 

What   book    (not   relij^ious)  would  you    part    with 
last?     "  Recollections  of  a  Busybody." 

What    is   your   favorite    amusement?     Fishing  for 
plaiee. 

What  trait  of  character   do   you    nost  admire    in 
man  ?     Consistency. 

What  trait  of  character  do  y   u  most  admire  in  wo- 
man ?     Free  love. 


AUTOniOTUCiRAI'lIS. 


II  I 


What  trait  of  character  do  you  most  detest  in 
both  ?     A  tendency  to  cursory  remarks. 

If  not  yourself,  who  would  you  rather  be?  Grant 
— "  If  I  were  not  Diogenes,  I  would  be  Alexander  ?" 

What  is  your  idea  of  happiness  ?  A  country 
where  there  is  no  ail  or  bier :  a  land  of  departed 
spirits. 

What  is  your  idea  of  misery  ?  A  fall  between  two 
stools. 

What  is  your  dream  ?  **  I  dreamed  that  I  dwelt  in 
marble  lialls." 

What  is  your  favorite  game  ?  The  Aiucrican 
public. 

What  do  you  believe  to  be  your  distinguishing 
characteristic  ?  A  love  of  plants — especially  the 
beats  of  Cincinnati  and  the  sage  of  Chappaqua. 

What  is  the  sublimest  passion  of  \\hich  human  na- 
ture is  capable  ?  "  Clasping  hands  across  a  bloody 
chasm." 

What  are  the  sweetest  words  in  "The  Wt^ld  ?  " 
"  Anything  to  beat  Grant." 

What  arc  the  saddest  words  in  the  world? 
"  h^riend  after  friend  departs." 

What  is  your  aim  in  life?  To  raise  the  standard 
of  Ditty  (on  imported  products). 

What  is  your  motto  ?     **  Put  yourself  in  his  place." 


112 


EMPHASIS  AS  A  veiiicll:  of  malice. 


emphasis   as   a  vehicle   of 

malicp:.^ 

TiiK  late  Madame  Alice  Prepense,  cruelly  nick- 
named Malice  Prepense,  was  one  of  the  most  inter- 
esting^ women  I  ever  knew.  Her  outspoken  and 
in^i^^enuous  method  of  vindicatinij  her  absent  friends 
from  the  slanders  of  their  malijjners  was  a  cause  of 
wonder  and  admiration.  And  it  was  noticeable  that 
there  were  few  victims  of  scandal  within  her  circle 
who  were  not  her  friends.  In  fact,  no  sooner  did 
any  one  smart  under  the  tooth  of  envy  than  she  enlist- 
ed in  his  service  and  hastened  to  the  rescue.  Such 
was  her  zeal  in  championing  injured  innocents,  that 
she  was  invariably  "posted"  upon  the  latest  slander 
a  few  hours  after  its  inception.  Like  the  late  Mr. 
(ireeley,  she  loved  to  "  nail  a  lie  :  "  and  she  has 
been  known  to  contradict  several  before  they  were 
uttered.  She  evidently  thought  prevention  better 
than  cure.     That  her  advocacy  was  always  judicious 


/v '(•/>// /'//J //i(/,    zoitlt    one    additional    incident,  fioni    the   N.     Y. 


''  Lcd^ii-:' 


EMPHASIS   AS    A    VKIIICM;   OF    MALICE.         IIj 


has  been  questioned  by  some  cynics,  but  no  one 
could  deny  that  it  w  as  warm  and  spontaneous. 

About  this  time  three  years  a^o,  I  entered  her 
cosey  h'ttle  reception-room  one  afternoon,  and  found 
her  ap])arently  strug^yh'n^  with  suppressed  emotion. 
It  was  the  day  after  the  unpleasantness  in  the  Church 
of  the  Chosen,  when  the  Rev.  Dr.  Goodfellow  was 
accused  of  triflini,^  with  tlie  affections  of  Miss  Main- 
chance,  daughter  of  the  leading  trustee. 

"Oh,    Mr.    ,"    exclaimed    ni)'    hostess,    "can 

JO//  believe  those  dre;i(lful  things  about  poor  Dr. 
(ioodfellow?  I'm  sure  if  he  :.<as  h<:ard  calling  her  his 
dearest  Jane,  he  was  only  quoting  the  song.  You 
know  he  was  so  fond  of  talking  poetry  to  her.  And 
tlien  as  to  his  telling  Mr.  Mainchance  that  he  hoped 
to  make  her  his  own,  why  of  course  he  merely  im- 
plied to  take  her  into  \\h/o/(/." 

Smiling  at  the  strange  blending  of  stress  and  dis- 
tress in  the  intonation  of  Madame,  I  observed  that 
the  Doctor  had  denied  using  the  expression  attribu- 
ted to  him  either  literalh'  or  metaphorically.  I  added 
that  the  \-enomous  stories  uf^  a  few  Pharisees,  who 
wanted  a  })astor  UK^re  after  their  own  stripe,  could 
never  make  me  suspect  Dr.  Goodfellow  of  such 
frivol  it)-. 

"  Ah!  "  cried  Madame  Prepense,  "  the  very  senti- 


'i: 


"miwwwv^Hvi  I 


I  ■  p«<  I  .,ii^ 


114         KMI'IIASIS    AS    A    VKIIICLK    OV   MALICE. 

nicnt  1  just  expressed  to  Mrs.  Brown,  when  she 
called  him  a  youn.i^  Lothario!  'My  dear  Mrs. 
Jiroun,'  said  I,  *  )'ou  might  bring  the  whole  congre- 
gation to  reason  with  me  consecutively,  but  you 
ne\er  could  persuade  me  that  he  was  a  young 
Lothario.'  " 

The  said  Mrs.  Brown,  to  judge  from  her  subsjC- 
quent  conversation,  went  liomc  impressed  with  two 
new  ideas  -that  the  parson's  parishioners  believed  in 
his  guilt,  and  tliat  that  guilt  was  enhanced  by  his  age, 

"Apropos  of  Mrs.  Brown,"  Madame  presently  re- 
sumed, **  I  can't  imagine  how  Sophia  Atkinson  can 
go  prying  into  her  connubial  relations.  What  on 
earth  is  it  to  Sophy  if  Mr.  Brown  did  propose  for  his 
wife  onl}'  to  spite  her  sister  who  jilted  him  ?  That, 
I  suppose,  must  be  what  Sophy  is  trying  to  find  out. 
Did  tJicy  go  talking  about  her  when  Col.  Jenkins 
went  to  Europe  for  his  health  and  stayed  there,  after 
visiting  her  for  ever  so  many  months  ?  And  the 
Jh'owns  have  always  been  so  kind  to  her.  I  recol- 
lect Mrs.  Brown  (]uite  agreed  with  mc  that  there  was 
not  a  icord  of  truth  in  that  horrible  scory  about 
Sophy's  uncle." 

"What  story?"  I  inquired,  somewhat  anxiously, 
for  1  had  hitherto  rather  esteemed  the  gentleman  in 
question. 


EMPHASIS   AS   A    VEIHCMC   OF    MAEICK.         1 15 

"  Why.  that  he  had  actually  married  that  Creole 
in  the  West  Indies." 

"  Jiiit  in  Heaven's  name!"  I  exclaimed,  "  what 
woman  do  \-ou  allude  to  ?  " 

"  Oh,  )'()u  don't  know,  then— to  be  sure,  you 
were  South  at  the  time  ;  and  they  did  hi.,  h  up 
the  report  so  suddenly.  If  I'd  only  recollected,  I 
shouldn't  have  said  a  word  abcut  it.  Far  be  it  from 
me,"  she  added,  fearing  that  I  was  about  to  press 
the  question,  "to  aid  in  i)ropagating  ill  natured 
gossip- -especially  as  you  are  a  friend  of  his." 

With  a  sense  of  misplaced  confidence  I  made  my 
adieux. 

S^H^rtly  afterward  Madame  Pre[)ense  had  a  crrcat 
misfortune,  as  she  herself  asseverated.  In  emphati- 
cally contradicting  a  scau'/al  (which  her  usual  vigi- 
lance had  scented  in  advance  of  her  neighbors)  in 
the  same  distinct  terms  on  four  separate  occasions, 
she  was  yet  the  unconscious  cause,  she  lamented  to 
say,  of  starting  four  different  versions  of  the  story. 
This  happened  the  day  after  the  second  great  bond 
robbery  of  the  Implicit  Trust  and  Banking  Co.. 
about  which  there  was  so  much  mystery.  Prior  to 
the  hrst  robbery  the  president,  William  O.  Cipher, 
had  appointed  his  eldest  son  John  to  a  vacant  clerk- 
ship in  the  bank. 


ii6 


KMniASIS   AS   A    VKIIICLi:   OF   MALICE. 


M.'ul.'inic  took  care  to  be  at  lioine  tliat  day.  The 
Ciplicrs  were  friends  of  her  friends  ;  and,  as  she  ob- 
served, she  was  not  the  woman  to  ^o  alwut  dissenii- 
natin<;  mischief.  Four  ladies  happened  to  call 
separately  in  the  forenoon.  I  shall  call  them  Num- 
bers One,  Two,  Three,  and  Four. 

Number  One  was  not  slow  in  introducing  the  ab- 
sorbing topic. 

"Oh!"  interrupted  M'  '  lie,  "  j^leasc  don't  ask 
me  to  talk  of  that.  /  ca  b  .  nvinccd  that  John 
Cipher  stole  those  bonds." 

After  a  short  visit  Number  One  withdrew  to  cir- 
culate a  rumor  that  almost  every  one  thought  young 
Mr.  Cipher  the  delinquent. 

Number  Two,  when  she  alluded  to  the  same  sub- 
ject, was  also  cut  short  by  Madame. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  ■ ,"  said  the  latter,  "  you  know 

I  dislike  scandal ;  and,  besides,  I'm  sure  it  was  not 
JoJin  Cipher  that  stole  those  bonds." 

rixit  Number  Two,  persuaded  that  old  Mr.  Cipher 
was  the  man. 

Number  Three,  an  old  but  not  ill-natured  news- 
monger, in  answer  to  an  inquiry  of  hers,  was  inform- 
ed by  Madame,  with  an  air  of  commiseration,  that 
she  did  "  not  think  John  Cipher  stole  those  bonds." 
Number  Three  went  out  and  told  her  friends  that 


LMPIIASrS   AS   A   VF.IIICLi:   Or   MALICE. 


117 


tli.'it  poor  young  man  liacl  alwaj's  meant  to  return  the 
bonds,  but  was  prevented  by  a  strange  series  of  mis- 
fortunes, etc. 

Number  Four  had  quite  another  story  to  tell.  To 
her  IVIadame  liad  expressed  her  conviction  that 
"  Mr.  Cipher  did  not  steal  tJiosc  bonds  ;"  and  Num- 
ber Four  had  left  with  the  impression  that  he  did 
steal  the  ones  which  had  disappeared  on  the  former 
occasion. 

I  understand  that  my  departed  friend,  on  the  same 
day,  stated  to  a  fifth  caller  her  italicized  belief  that 
tl:e  aspersed  gentleman  "  did  not  steal  the  bonds  ;"" 
exciting  thereby  a  vague  suspicion  in  her  visitor  that 
Cipher  did  steal,  or  was  capable  of  stealing  some- 
thing else.  Luckily  Number  Five  was  not  given  to 
acting  upon  vague  suspicions. 

A  Mr.  Jones,  a  neighbor  of  ours,  had  a  young, 
fond,  and  impulsive  wife.  This  lady  once  undertook 
to  beard  Madame,  and  charge  her  with  defaming  her 
husband's  character.  "  My  dear  Mrs.  Jones,"  cried 
that  indignant  matron,  "if  we  had  been  better  ac- 
quainted, you  would  have  known  that  I  never  utter 
an  ill-natured  remark  unless  it  be  to  contradict  it. 
It  is  true  that  somebody  did  observe  in  my  hearing 
that  your  husband  was  '  more  knave  than  fool,'  and 
I  emphatically  denied  the  insinuation,  word  for  word." 


n8        KMPIIASIS   AS   A   VKIIICLK   OF    MAMCK. 


hi 


"  Ah  !  "  said  the  implacable  wife,  "  I  know  what 
you  meant  by  your  emphasis  ;  you  meant  to  reflect 
upon  my  husband's  intellect." 

*'  I  assure  you  I  never  thought  of  it;  but  if  any 
well-meant  remark  of  mine  has  made  ot/ui'  people 
rejieet   upon  it,  and  if  it  is  so  unpleasant  a  subject, 


I'm  sure  I  am  verv  sor 


ry. 


This  sadly  misinterpreted  woman  was  not  even 
appreciated  by  her  family  tradespeople.  A  sulky 
old  butcher  once  wanted  to  bring  an  action  against 
her  for  savinir  at  an  old  maid's  tea  that  "she  never 


thought  he  sold    horseflesh  for  inutton. 


Ih 


IS. 


complained,  had  injured  his  business  as  much  as  if 
she  had  libelled  him  in  the  papers.  But  she  made 
the  aineniie,  and  professed  herself  perfectly  willing  to 
retract  the  statement,  which,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  was 
far  from  satisfying  this    unreasonable    knight  of  the 


Uiambl 


es. 


rhe  <rii»cer,  who  waxed  wroth  with   her 


fc> 


for  affirming  her  belief  that  "  he  didn't  mix  pork  fat 
with  his  butter  Jiimself,''  got  about  equal  satisfaction  ; 
for  she  ma<'"nanimouslv  oftered  to  admit,  for  the  sake 
of  peace,  that  he  did  perform  the  mixture  in  person. 
Poor  Madame  !  she  was  an  infallible  antidote  to 
egotism— no  one  in  her  presence  wanted  to  turn  the 
conversation  on  himself. 


iuwmviiiiiiiiiij,m 


EUPHEMISMS. 


119 


EUPHEMISMS.* 

The  employment  of  euphemisms  among  the  an- 
cients was  usually  generated  by  a  peculiar  motive, 
now    almost  inoperative.     The  use  of  harsh  or  disa' 
grecablc  ep-thets  was  considered  inauspicious  when 
applied  to  malignant  supernatural    agents  or  things 
connected     therewith.     Thus  the  Greeks    sought  to 
avoid  the  wrath   of  the  Furies  and    the   threatening 
presages  oUcfthand  phenomena  by  the  most  sooth- 
ing expressions.     This  classical  notion  still  lingers  in 
some  rural  districts  of  the  Old  World  ;  and  we  haxe 
heard  an  old  Scotchwoman  object  to  an  innocent  re- 
mark about  the   devil    on   the   ground  that    it    was 
"  nae  gude  to  speak  of  sic  like."     ICven  in  New  York 
city  certain  people  of  "refinement"  shudder  at  the 
mention    of    Ilell-gate,     and    always    refer    to    that 
dangerous   passage  by  the   more  "  elegant  "  title  of 
Jfnrl-gatc.      More    frequent  traces    of  the    tendency 
alluded    to    remained   among    the    peasantry    of  the 


120 


ELTIIKMISMS. 


l\ 


Middle  Ages.  Ilcncc,  prob^ibly,  the  appellations 
gooii-folk  and  fairies  as  applied  to  whimsical  and 
often  mischievous  elves  ;  and  it  is  just  possible  that 
the  sobriquet  of  "The  Old  Gentleman"  may  have 
been  designed  as  a  sop  for  Cerberus. 

But  with  us  moderns  euphemisms  more  commonly 
serve  to  dress  wolves  in  sheep's  clothing,  or  silence 
the  qualms  of  quaint,old-fashioned  consciences.  The 
argot ,  or  cant  of  professional  thieves,  from  which  ex- 
amples of  this  figure  are  often  quoted,  was  originated 
merely  as  a  medium  of  secret  communication,  and 
not  to  act  as  a  narcotic  to  a  moral  sense  already  dor- 
mant or  defunct.  This  artificial  dialect,  so  far  as  it  is 
borrowed  from  our  vernacular  or  from  other  intelligi- 
ble sources,  seems  to  include  as  i-:any  of  those  terms 
that  enhance  as  of  those  that  extenuate,  to  an  unpro- 
fessional mind,  the  crimes  or  horrors  they  express — 
proving  thereby  to  outsiders  that,  if  there  be  honor 
among  thieves,  there  is  very  little  conscience.  IMany 
even  of  their  euphemistic  phrases,  such  as  the  "  ever- 
lasting staircase,"  otherwise  "  the  ho])per,"  for  the 
treadmill,  and  "  a  dance  upon  nothing"  for  an  ex- 
ecution, are  better  adapted  to  remove  fear  than 
moral  scruples.  \\\\\.  amateur  transgressors,  like  Pis- 
tol, who  called  stealing  "to  convey,"  avail  them- 
sehes  of  \\\\s  fa^on  dc  parlcr  more  particularly  as  an 


EUPHEMISMS. 


121 


antidote  against  inconvenient  conscientiousness. 
Thus  the  slang  of  many  schoolboys  betrays  a  very 
confused  discrimination  between  the  mciini  and  tnuui. 
With  them  to  "prig,"  to  "  crib,"  to  "  bone  "  or  to 
"  bag  "  contains  little  or  no  unpleasant  suggestion  of 
injustice  or  dishonor.  Drunkenness  conceals  its  va- 
rious phases  under  a  variety  of  figurative  expressions, 
including  "  half-seas-over,"  "  jolly  screwed,"  and 
"tight" — an  epithet  most  frequently  applied  to 
loose  characters.  The  same  tendency  is  further  evi- 
denced in  such  seductive  phrases  as  ''  parfait 
amour y'  "Cream  of  the  Valley"  gin,  "taking  a 
smile,"  Ilibernice  "  a  drop  of  the  crathur  ;  "  though 
perhaps  it  cannot  be  strictly  called  a  euphemism 
which  does  not  veil  something  essentially  wrong, 
coarse  or  disagreeable.  Among  the  verbal  courtesies 
prevalent  in  Western  bar-rooms  is  one  of  a  whc^Uy 
different  and  seemingly  more  deterrent  character. 
Immediately  before  taking  a  drink,  when  the  TLnglish 
bibber  ceremoniously  "looks  toward  you,"  and  the 
New  York  tippler  wishes  you  luck,  we  understand 
that  the  Western  "drinkist"  very  usually  remarks, 
"  Here  goes  another  nail  in  the  coffui  !  "  The  high- 
ly '  aphorical  language  in  which  the  rejiorters  of 
In'ir s  Life  in  f.otufoii  and  the  sporting  pai)ers  delight- 
ed to  cloak  the  barbarities  uf  a  "  rattling  mill,"  has 
6 


122 


EUniKMISMS. 


contributed  to  prolong  the  existence  of  the  "  P.R." 
until  it  has  become  an  anachronism.  By  the  aid  of 
this  typical  and  entertaining  slang  the  fistic  art  woukl 
probably  have  still  possessed  the  popular  sympathy 
and  the  patronage  of  a  few  well-meaning  gentlemen, 
if  the  traditional  pluck  and  straightforward  dealing 
of  pugilists  had  not  wholly  deserted  our  modern 
bruisers,  whose  ba  .kers,  umpires,  patrons  and  hang- 
ers-on are,  with  hardly  an  exception,  either  gamblers 
or  thieves.  "To  tap  the  claret,"  or  "draw  the 
ruby,"  "to  send  to  grass "  or  "on  a  visit  to  his 
mother,"  "to  let  out  the  left  mawley,"  "  to  close 
the  right  peeper,"  to  pay  attention  to  the  "potato- 
trap"  the  "bread-basket,"  or  the  "snorter,"  are 
terms  which  are  either  imaginative  or  grotesque,  and 
have  a  flavor  of  sport  and  humor.  "  To  counter  on 
the /;rrt■//^pan,"  even  conveys  a  soothing,  if  unground- 
ed, compliment  to  the  wounded  boxer.  And  the 
image  presented  by  such  phrases  becomes  still  less 
formidable  when  these  frolics  are  performed  by 
such  harmless  creatures  as  the  Birmingham  "  Pet," 
the  New  York  "  Novice,"  the  Chicago  "  Chicken," 
the  Ik'nicia  "  Boy,"  or  the  Irish  "  Infant." 

It  has  been  observed  that  the  misuse  of  "  play  " 
as  a  synonym  for  gambling  has  gone  far  toward  the 
toleration    and    diffusion  of  that    practice ;    and  the 


EUrilEMISMS. 


123 


sportinfT  terms  "  gamboling  on  the  green"  and 
"fighting  the  tiger"  contribute,  though  less  power- 
fully, to  the  same  result.  With  similar  effect  Ger- 
mans use  the  word  tcmpcln  (to  build  a  temple),  a 
rather  suggestive  substitute  for  playing  faro.  In  many 
cases  too,  it  is  the  studied  abuse  of  the  term  love  in- 
stead of  lust  or  passion,  and  oi  flirtation  w  here  coarse 
familiarity  would  be  a  more  fitting  expression,  that 
gives  success  to  the  seducer  ;  and  the  playful  phrase, 
pondrc  de  succession^  which  was  once  current  in 
France,  has  perhaps  more  than  once  nerved  a  vacil- 
lating poisoner,  or  even  made  him,  like  De  Ouincey's 
connoisseur,  regard  murder  as  one  of  the  fine  arts. 
Contracted  or  disguised  oaths  may  be  viewed  as 
euphemisms,  that  retain  the  efficacy  of  their  originals 
as  soothing  syrups  for  the  irritated  feelings,  while 
agreeing  better  with  the  moral  constitution.  Some 
of  these  have  a  further  advantage  for  the  etymologist, 
allowing  him  the  free  use  of  expletives  without  at 
all  compromising  his  dignity  before  the  majority  of  his 
hearers.  Most  people,  for  instance,  are  ignorant 
that  the  grotesque  "  odds  bodikins,"  is  corrupted 
from  God's  body,  as  "  'zounds  "  is  from  Cod's  wounds, 
or  that,  whoever  u.ses  the  unconnubial  and  antiquated 
"  marry,"  swears,  at  least  objectively,  by  the  Virgin 
Mary.     If  the  vulgar  '*  darn  "  is  a  rather  more  trans- 


124 


KUl'IIKMISMS. 


parent  incoc^nito  of  its  profane  ori^i^inal,  it  lias  a 
merit  of  its  own,  that,  while  professing-  an  insincere 
desire  that  we  may  be  mended,  it  really  consis^ns  us 
to  a  place  where  such  a  consummation  is  quite  im- 
possible. The  Irish  malediction,  "  bad  'cess  to 
you  !  "  is  just  as  thinly  veiled.  This  widespread 
yearning  to  secure  the  pleasures  without  the  pains  of 
profanity  appears  also  in  the  suppression  of  the  name 
of  the  Deity  in  the  once  popular  "  'slife  "  and 
"'sdeath,"  and  its  corruption  in  "egad,"  or  the 
colloquial  "  So  help  me  Bob,"  as  well  as  in  the 
Shaksperian  expletives  "  by  Gis  "  and  "  by  Chrish." 
In  the  examination  of  such  pitiful  shifts  and  hypoc- 
risies we  must  console  ourselves  with  the  borrowed 
reflection  that  they  are  so  many  acts  of  "  the  hom- 
age paid  by  vice  to  virtue." 

Of  certain  euphemisms  a  moral  eclipse  is  less  the 
object  than  the  cause,  as  when  the  terms  si7/_y,  sini- 
hlctoiis  ox  innocents — all  strictly  and  originally  expres- 
sive of  goodness — were  first  applied  to  fools  ;  when 
stupefied  topers  were  first  irreverently  said  to  be 
*'  maudlin,"  or  like  the  Weeping  Magdclcnc^  as  she  is 
commonly  depicted  ;  or  when  '*  smartness  "  becomes 
a  s}'nonym  for  successful  swindling. 

Delicacy,  genuine  and  spurious,  is  a  prolific  source 
of  analogous  expressions.     Thus,  in  relation  to  those 


KUrilEMISMS. 


125 


frail  and  outlawed  females  not  to  be  even  thought  of 
in  unvarnished  Anglo-Saxon,  what  a  variety  of 
pleasantly-sounding  foreign  terms — lorettes,  Aspasias, 
traviatas,  the  demi-monde — spare  the  modesty  of 
the  newspaper  corresponde'^it  and  the  ingenuous 
blushes  of  the  curious  reader  !  Such  illusive  para- 
phrases as  "gay  women,"  "  filles  dc  joie,"  and 
"  pretty  horse-breakers,"  are  part  of  the  hollow  ra- 
diance that  surrounds  the  unforgiven  sin,  and  is  the 
ruin  of  so  many  human  moths  of  either  sex.  The 
Latin  '*  conciliatrix "  must  have  been  much  more 
agreeable  to  the  creature  denoted  by  it  than  its  un- 
compromising ICnglish  translations.  Perhaps  the 
most  odious  and  demoralizing  euphemisms — which 
are  happily  becoming  somewhat  more  rare  in 
this  country — are  those  which  evade  the  use  of  a 
common  word  or  phrase,  in  itself  pure  and  harmless, 
merely  because  it  may  possibly  convey  a  foul  idea  to 
an  impure  mind.  Of  course  the  evil  ceases  when  the 
euphemistic  substitute,  as  is  rarely  the  case,  has  been 
universally  adopted  ;  but  while  it  is  being  forced 
into  use  and  is  struggling  for  existence,  each  repeti- 
tion  of  the  unaccustomed  word  must  remind  even 
the  most  innocent  of  the  reason  of  its  novel  usage, 
and,  consequently,  of  the  very  thing  which  it  is  pur- 
posed to  banish  from  our  thoughts.     The  vulgar  ori- 


120 


EUrilKMISMS. 


j^iiKitors,  of  such  nauscoi.s  innovations  rcaJly  insult 
tlicir  listeners,  by  infcrriuL^f  the  likelihootl  of  their 
attaching;-  a  base  and  uncommon  meaning;  to  a  term 
havinij^  also  a  pure  and  common  meaning,  when 
that  term  is  clearly  intended  to  be  understood  in  the 
latter  sense.     Iloiii  soit  qui  inal y  pcusc. 

The  misuse  of  the  words  "gentleman"  and 
"  lady,"  so  often  assumed  by  or  soothingly  address- 
ed to  the  most  degraded  classes,  is  a  striking  speci- 
men of  the  euphemisms  that  are  prompted  by  cour- 
tesy. We  are  not  without  some  misgivings  lest  "  the 
man  in  the  moon  "  or  "  the  man  at  the  wheel  "  may 
prefer  successful  claims  to  gentility  ;  thou.gh  it  might 
seem  that  this  specific  tendency  had  reached  its  Jic 
plus  ultra  when  four  families  occupying  the  corners 
of  one  room  assured  a  pitying  visitor  that  they  had 
been  pretty  comfortable  "  till  the  gentleman  in  the 
middle  took  a  lodger  !  "  **  Ijelle-nijre,"  to  express  a 
generally  unpopular  relation,  is  another  polite  mis- 
nomer, as  is  the  "  Dear  Sir  "  in  the  missive  of  an  in- 
dignant dun,  or  in  the  procrastinating  debtor's  reply, 
however  appropriate  the  epithet  may  be  in  a  purely 
commercial  sense.  Policemen  extend  further  the 
demulcent  influence  of  euphemisms,  and  politely 
notify  malefactors  that  they  are  "  wanted,"  occasion- 
ally even  presenting  them  with  "  a  pair  of  bracelets  ;" 


EUniF.MTSMS. 


1-V 


while  bailiffs  describe  the  most  iiri^^cnt  Ic^^al  claims — • 
sometimes  much  more  anno^iiv^  than  the  "law's 
delay  "—as  "little  matters."  Some  similar  verbal 
courtesies,  however,  are  lesi?  disinterested,  as  when 
one  advertises  for  "  a  valise  taken  by  mistake  from  the 
S.  S.  Daniel  Doo,"  or  offers  a  reward  for  the  retin-n 
of  $100  ''found  between  the  Grand  and  l^fth 
Avenue  Motels."  It  is  not  an  unselfish  politeness 
which  adds  the  assurance  that  "  no  questions  will  be 
asked." 

An  offset  to  the  general  perversion  of  this  figure 
of  speech  is  presented  in  those  poetical  expressions 
designed  to  mitigate  distress,  which  describe  death 
as  sleep,  the  dead  as  the  departed,  or  parting  as  bid- 
diu''- eood-bv.  "lintel  Dieu  "  is  a  beautiful  name 
for  a  hospital  :  with  some  such  equivalent  for  the 
contemp^..'as  "poor-house,"  so  many  would  not 
avoid  its  humiliating  hospitalities  by  starvation  or 
suicide.  "  Mont-de-piete,"  too,  is  a  pleasanter  eu- 
phemism than  the  accommodating  "  uncle,"  who  al- 
ways takes  considerable  interest  in  performing  the 
duties  of  a  kinsman. 


